In short, I believe my actions forced her into the MCLERS. I was needy, co-dependant and pretty self centered in our marraige. I took her for granted. Now she is like a women scorned. So the struggle I have is that I have forgiven myself, I continue to work on myself with every part of my being I have seen so many changes in me but I am still very impatient and I struggle with detaching. We do not argue, we are actually quite cordial to each other but I need to do some things for me, like go back to school, etc. and she seems like she is so disconnected it is not even funny. I know I need to total ignore her and GAL but this morning I was really so done that I said I needed to talk with her about where we are going. I have some ideas on how to "change the direction of the conversation to something else" i.e. I am going back to school (her concern is that we are incurring more debt - although i have explained to her that my company will reimburse me). I also want to bring up things like therapy for the kids, etc.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
All - I wanted to follow up with everyone on what transpired this weekend.
First off, I picked up the DR book and will begin reading it this week.
My in-laws came up this weekend and once again told me wife that she should give this marraige another chance. She reaffirmed that she has made her descion. One thing to note - she has yet to act on it; however, I did tell my in-laws to stop pushing her. Everytime they said this to her it allows her to reaffirm her stance, which does not help me.
In terms of our R convo...As I communicated earlier, I changed the focus on our conversation to...
1) I told her that I was going back to school - Note I did not ask her but told her.
2) I explained to her that I understood that she wanted to pay down the debt and that by me going to school it would increase the debt long terms since my company will reimurse me.
3) I asked her if she is able to take days off from her new job. She said she is not.
4) We spoke about start putting money away again for our oldest college fund. She agreed.
5) We agreed not to do any repairs to the house.
6) I did ask what made her put her ring back on and she said it was her job. She needed to keep the men away from her. The trust is that she told my MIL that they called her into the office (she just started at the company about 2 months ago) to tell her that rumors were spreading about her and a supervisor. According to my therapist she told her mother this partly due to guilt and because she knwo that the superviors phone calls would be on the phone bill. This is the new A that I mentioned a few days ago.
Interesting enough she did not wear the ring today so I am not sure how to take this.
I've read some or Bwrols post and they are quite inspirational.
I will try and detach as best as I can and continue with the GAL. I did get the tattoo this weekend by the way and W did ask when I got it. Once again she seems somewhat pleasent but still very very distant. It will interesting to read the DR book to see if I should treat her more as a WAS then someone with MLC. I think the approaches are very different.
When I think about her September date, I suspect that it is not confusion per se as much as it is her preparing herself to be able to pay the bills - but who knows. If it about her just positioning herself then maybe she is a WAS. Any thoughts anyone? I have read the MLC resources and still to this day struggle with if she is truly a MLC or a WAS. Hopefully the DR book will help me answer that question.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
When I think about her September date, I suspect that it is not confusion per se as much as it is her preparing herself to be able to pay the bills - but who knows.
My W gave me 6 months to come up with a "plan". I think that this is their way of putting off having to deal with anything. My IC told me not to worry about the date. That time has come and passed and we are still not D or separated. Your W has much internal confusion going on. She is hurting more than you. Whether you can see it or not.
Take the focus off of her. She will make her own journey. You have to worry about "eric"
I don't think the DR book is going to answer this question but you still need to read it. It does not truly matter whether she is a WAS or a MLC you still have to do the same things one way or the other.
Thanks OP. The questions I struggle with are (and I know I need to answer them)...
1) Do I love my S enough to deal with this for the long haul.
2) can I continue in a emotionaless marraige.
3) What is truly best for the kids...to have them witness a crappy marraige or to leave and focus on being the best dad I can.
I can't say this enough and I know you guys know this - this really sucks.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
3) What is truly best for the kids...to have them witness a crappy marraige or to leave and focus on being the best dad I can
You can be the best dad(and should try to be the best dad)whether you are M or not or not or whether you are with your W or not. Put the focus on being a dad not on your W.
1)"Do I love my S enough to deal with this for the long haul" A-Do I love myself to make the necessary changes to be a better man? B-IF my wife was sick with cancer...How long would I stay next to her side? C-Am I strong enough to be in this for the long run?
2)"can I continue in a emotionaless marraige." A-Can I become more comfortable and stronger with my emotions? B-Have I been emotionless and disconnected? C-Have I shown my children that it is OK to be a man with emotions? D-Does my wife also live in an emotionless world that I helped create?
3)"What is truly best for the kids...to have them witness a crappy marraige or to leave and focus on being the best dad I can." A-Does being married affect my ability to be a good father? B-Does not being married affect that ability? C-What will have a greater impact on my children to see me work and fail or give up and not try? D-Is this situation REALLY affecting my ability to be a good father or is that just an excuse?
You have good questions Eric....but you worded them in a reactive manner. Change them to a proactive manner (like I did) and see how they changed....think about it!
Thanks Lost. I need to keep reminded myself that she too is in pain and although I do not see it - she is.
I have a funny feeling that I'll need to refer back to this post quite often over the next few weeks.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Bworl - I have read about 1/4 of your post and all I can say is - Love ya man! You are a man of strength and character! heading home now to begin reading the DR. I noticed on several of your threads you idicate that WAW or MLC does not matter but I thought the approach one should take differs. The reality is that my W. has been for the most part....
1) Pleseant but very distant and firm in her desire for a D (per her Sept is when she will file due to finances)
2) All in all a very good mom although now that she is working full time (first time in 17 yrs) she does not have the time to spend with them.
3) Added my to her insurance but once again continues with the D stance.
4) has had on EA that I am aware of, although this seems to have stopped and may now being having a new one although I not sure if she is or is not. Then again it could be my own insecurities.
On a personal note, outside of GAL how did you deal with the lonliness - lack of a women touch, etc. I love my wife and will stand for her but I was wondering how did you deal with it?
I noticed in quite a few of your posts you refer to your relationship with GOD. I have been praying up a storm and continue to stand on the little faith that I do have.
By the way I have not heard from Jack3Beans lately...is he still on?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Once again thanks OP - I'll let you know when I'm up around your neck of woods.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
By the way I have not heard from Jack3Beans lately...is he still on?
I should let him answer this but he posted to you on Friday. Today is Monday of a holiday weekend. He is in a far western time zone so he is only on the boards later in the day. But today I would hope he is out GAL! Or shooting zombies!
