trytry, how encouraging! I guess this is the tricky part where you have to put the brakes on things and not jump into anything too quickly. Keep DBing!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
my goal is making my M work. i think in order to get there, i'm going to have to do a LOT of ignoring my mother's advice. in her eyes, people who love each other and are committed to their marriages do NOT move out into separate apartments, or say that they are unsure that they want to be married.
TTA - My mother and sister feel the exact same way. For a long time I never sought the advice of my family, only a very close friend. But when it got so bad, I disclosed my issues in my marriage to my Mother in November 2009. My H left on Christmas Eve 2009. My mother subscribes to the same belief as your mother. It is hard when my mother tells me.. "he is not coming back and I should just forget about things getting better because he would not have left if he REALLY loved you". She believes i have false hope and I tell you, I have succumbed at times to her words. Don't fall into that trap - keep your eyes on your goals (not our mother's).
I am trying to keep the faith. You continue to do the same, I am pulling for you.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
we did not talk about D, or really even being separated at all. he talked about how much he misses me and how he wants to get to a better place mentally before making any big decisions. but this is what DB is all about, right? just slowing down the talk and the idea of moving towards D?
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
It is hard when my mother tells me.. "he is not coming back and I should just forget about things getting better because he would not have left if he REALLY loved you". She believes i have false hope and I tell you, I have succumbed at times to her words. Don't fall into that trap - keep your eyes on your goals (not our mother's).
DU - thank you SO MUCH for the encouragement. sometimes i feel so silly even talking about my mom on this site. i am a married, grown woman, and my focus should be on my M, not on my R with my mom! i know she only wants what is best for me, and anyone who hurts me hurts her tenfold, but i am working really hard on setting boundaries with her. i need her encouragement and her support, not her negative attitudes towards my H. i told her on the phone recently that just because i don't react to my H the way she wants me to (which is the way she is reacting: vengefully, angrily and resentfully) doesn't mean i'm not hurting. i just hurt in a different way than she does. when she told me she will NEVER trust my H again or welcome him back to our family, i took a deep breath, cut her off in the middle of her rant and said, mom, you know i love you and appreciate you being there for me. but it really hurts me that you would say that about my H because it makes me feel like you've closed the door on my M and i am certainly not at that point. just because i'm not trying to stick it to him in every way possible doesn't mean i'm not sad, confused and upset. i'm dealing with this the best way that i know how to, and i need to know that if my H and i were to reconcile, it wouldn't drive a wedge between our family because you no longer welcome him. i know you don't want me to hurt right now, but that's just not an option, so if you can't be supportive, i would rather just not talk about this at all.
you know what her response was? an APOLOGY. a genuine, heartfelt apology. i wish i could have seen my face. it felt GOOD to set that boundary! i should have been doing this years ago!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
That really makes things better when they put their own needs or desires for you aside and respects your wishes. I am in the same boat, and have had to draw the same line. It does hurt though b/c if you want to share your feelings or pain w/ your parents, they immediately go into protective mode and try to get the solution they think is best into your head.
I'm glad you were able to establish that boundary w/ your mom.
TTA - No problem. I understand completely. We must stay focused on our goals to reconcile with our spouses (if possible) regardless of what our parents want us to do. As I am learning from the advice here in this forum, only we can chose what is right for us. Just like others say - we cannot control what our spouses say or do, neither should we allow our parents to do the same to us.
They care and they love us, but I know for me, I have to take a step back and just say thanks, but I can decide for myself.
You keep hanging in there.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
so, my H emailed today and said he has an appt with an IC on Wednesday. i think it's a good sign that he's willing to admit he needs to talk to someone - especially without me suggesting it. he said his mother has insisted that he should be seeing someone, but at least he hasn't felt that pressure from me.
he also asked me if we could meet up again this week. i said i had plans for the next 2 days but that Thursday was a possibility. any suggestions on where we could meet/what we could do? i don't want to suggest anything too "date-like" but would like to have a couple of thoughts to throw his way on where we could meet.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I guess while you are GAL, you probably don't want to forget the situation you are in now to avoid overdoing it/pursuing, but I'd guess you are feeling a lot better these days. I hope many of the good feelings you have you can remember are because of your hard work trying to understand him and you, and then making very hard choices.
Ideas... - low pressure, something new instead of something full of memories (excite vs remind)
- physical enough to get the good brain juices flowing, but relaxed enough to get in conversation that isn't all about R
- avoid getting drunk situation (alcohol is technically a depressant) or places that would make a single life seem care free and fun
Places... - bowling? - games night at your/his house?
Added idea - ask him if he found anything fun in the last month alone.
180 time? What happened in the past when you went out? Who decided? Did he always like your suggestions, or does he like being the "man" and deciding? What are your limits?
well, we tend to go to the same restaurants and bars, both of us dropping the "whatever you feel like" line. i think the biggest 180 in this situation would be for me to say something like, you know, i've been wanting to go ice skating this season, and i know you're so much better at it than i am, so maybe you could take me when we meet up.
i think i'll suggest ice skating and then dessert. both things we've never done together before.
usually for weekend outings i would suggest a museum, which he would not be all that thrilled with, so i think an activity we can do together like ice skating would be interesting to him. and me, since i've only done it about 3 times in my life!
thanks for the suggestions, OTM!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
