He said he is done!!

[lostnotgone]

CAUGHT H IN ANOTHER LIE. BIG SHOCK. He had told me that he had not spoke to OW for a while. Found that is big LIE! He has his mother fooled - just keeps lieing. The urge to call this OW is overwhelming. I have not contacted her H - family has told me this is wrong thing to do - that it will only distroy another family. My family structure has been distoyed.

How do I make H see that I do not want to end our M?

How do I make him see that this relationship with this OW is distroying his relationship with his children - with his family and friends. My D13 (14 today!!) told me yesterday that she has not talked to her dad since TUESDAY last week!! this keeps chipping away at my family.

I have a message typed and ready to go to the OW - basically telling her that I do have all the information and will use if needed. Maybe she did not believe what I have on her. Figured I would even put in the message all the information I do have. Maybe that will make her back off.

HELP - what do I do - do I send her the message? Do I call her and contront on the phone? I do not know if she has left her H - if she has then sending this message or calling her won't do a dang bit of good (will it?).

[lostnotgone]

Do I call my H and contront him again? the kids are suppose to go to his "house" this weekend and I just do not feel good about them being there if he is busy calling and texting HER!

[lostnotgone]

I have written the below email to my H - is this a mistake to send or call him and tell him?

(H),

First I want to say that I want you to be happy. I am working on being happy - I want our children to be happy.

I do not want to send this - (I have an email ready to send to OW) but I will if I have to. I woke up this morning with a bad feeling. Call it woman's intuition call it a gut feeling. I know that the relationship with (OW name) is not over. You need to know that I meant what I said about boundaries with the children. I will not have them around her - I will not have you around the children at the same time that you are texting or calling her. She is poison. You said that she has her own issues - let her work through her issues WITH OUT you. She needs to be a woman and take responsibilies for her actions in her marriage.

You are going to church and I am so proud of you for this - it feels really good. How do you go to church and then lie to me - lie to your mother that this is over between the 2 of you.

How do we become friends if there is no trust - the trust needs to be repaired. The trust can not be repaired if you continue to lie to me about this being over.

The affair has been exposed I do not know why you continue to lie about it - does not make any sense. It is only making these worse. If I am wrong about this I am sorry - but for so LONG I ingnored my gut feelings - if I had said something back in August when I knew but did not want to accept that something was going on. How many times did I mention the amount of time on the phone - the number of text messages - the countless times I said "boy you are popular" .

I should have said/done something then. I didn't - I can not go back to the what if's - but I can tell you that I will no longer accept being 2nd.

I am trying to do 180's and one of them is not holding things in - is this a bad 180?

[lostnotgone]

It is amazing what happens when you wait a bit and do not react at the moment. Went back and read a section in the 7 steps book and sending this is not the right thing. I have to back off - let it be. I can not control what H does. I have to wait this out and see what happens.

Just wish H would STOP the lieing!!

Me First Right!!

[lostnotgone]

Think I made a mistake lastnight. It was our D 14th Bday and I took her to dinner. Took a great picture of her opening her Bday present - she has been asking for a BlackBerry Curve for a year!! and I finally broke down and got her one. It was amazing when she opened it - her mouth dropped and she screamed in the middle of Chilli's.

I sent the picture to my H - NO RESPONSE WHAT SO EVER!! I did not send to upset him - did not sent to piss him. Just thought it was a great picture - a great moment and wanted to share. What was I thinking????? He most likely got ticked - upset - who knows. But it is a moment he missed something he should have been a part of.

[sgctxok]

No this picture is ok, but let it go. DO NOT SEND THE LETTER, IT WILL PUSH HIM FURTHER AWAY.

You need a 180. We will talk about this tonight.

The 180 is not all the little changes folks talk about. It is the complete opposite of his stereotype of you.

So right now,

What do you think is his stereotype?

[jasper67]

I'm glad you did not send the letter. It is truly amazing what happens when you sit and wait for a moment to pass- the urgency or emotional drive will weaken, and your response is very different that your reaction.

As for the lying- my W too is chalk full of them. It's to control the sitch and your ability for closure. It's to strengthen his/her hold on LBS and keep the backburner on, if only a little.

There's nothing you can do about it other than not feed into it. They will have to get honest eventually, or not. And it is sad- b/c our R/M's began w/ honesty

[lostnotgone]

OK - I just had to send H an email in regards to our D16 Homeschool evaluation(yes she passed!). Instead of just responding to the email - he had to call me.. and I answered -

Why did he call ?
Why did I answer ?

[jasper67]

How did the conversation go?

Did you keep it about D16?

[lostnotgone]

It went good - I worked from home A LOT and he asked what I was doing - I said "at work" he said "in the office ??" he seemed suprised - one of my goals is to get into the office more. Sitting at home and working is not good for me.

Kept it about D16 after that.

One of the girls that has worked for me for YEARS was there and after she asked "isn't it hard to not say I love you before you hang up?" and of course I cried.

She thinks that he just wanted to hear my voice..I wish for that but I know the OW is still part of his life.

I am trying to not let the negative get in the way of the positive.