!Help! Need Advice and encouragement!

[stark648]

I checked for any responses last night before I went out, but not after I got home. Thank you---I appreciate them.

She was always leaving me with the kids-(whom i love)-and going to AA meetings, then dinner, or shopping, or to her sister's, mom's etc. I didn't mind the meetings most of the time; I know she needs them and they are good for her spiritually. Shopping made me nervous when it was excessive. (proof is in closet-clothes with tags still on them) When she was going somewhere every night and staying late is when I would be frustrated. If we all went, or she took the kids, it was okay, also.--if we could get them home in time for showers and bed. She only works 20 hours a week and would do some visiting, meetings, and socializing while I was at work. Then more after work. I would try to get some of our time or our family time in there in between.

She has never really been the wife that comes home, cooks dinner, cleans, or the like. I have washed more dishes than anyone in the house. The kids and I mainly eat microwaveable items or sandwiches.-or fast food or restaurants. Some times I or the kids cook. I make the kids all wash their own clothes and I wash all mine. She may wash hers, but not get them put up. I have done the bathrooms mainly as well. Most of our marriage, she has wanted a clean house, but doesn't really work at it enough herself.

When she was doing her facebook stuff, I would do computer games. We had pretty much stopped watching tv together because of "Farmville". At least she was home, then, and the kids could visit some with her. I talked to her while gaming.

As far as going places, most of the time, we had me watching the kids. Sometimes I would go out with the kids or a friend. Now I have been trying to GAL, but still be with the kids a lot-they need it now. Wife and I had been going to some extra church meetings/studies alone together a couple of nights a week. These were some of our times to be together. She also didn't like me going to her AA meetings, because it made her uncomfortable to where she couldn't share openly (she said). She would not open up a whole lot to me (or anyone really).

She has had a horrible childhood which included rape and gang rape and extreme violence. She had to caretake her alcoholic mother at an early age and is still taking care of her in ways today. She was part of a motorcycle group family that made her feel loved. (The OM is an AA biker from that type background) There were some bad things that she did back then or bad things that happened to people because they messed with her. After that, she was married to a physically abusive husband that really did a number on her mind and soul. She was separated from him and trying to divorce him when we met 13 years ago.
Since her mother moved back to this area AGAIN, a lot of her past has grabbed her mind again. She can't seem to let go of these things that happened over 13-20 something years ago. Her therapist brought them all up and she got worse off. She was diagnosed as bi-polar for a while and adhd. then also diagnosed with depression. She has been on so many meds different times. She quit most of the meds, except she kept using the wellbutrin, which had always caused her sexual and other obssessions. It made her feel she was clear-minded and getting things done, but mainly she was running in circles. She is now off all meds except for the sex/love addiction of the other guy.

I did get some new clothes, cologne, and hairstyle already. I have been cleaning the house with the kids better than it has been cleaned. I called an ex-girlfriend from 13 years ago to talk or go for coffee. (She hasn't called back yet) Wife came over tonight (after I would not answer the phone) to tell kids happy valentine's day. I was busy watching a movie and talking on the phone. I was not rude, but did not really engage her in conversation. She looked like her knee was bothering her and she was miserable or tired or stoned on pain pills for her knee.(or just that guilty stressy look she gets) I only waved when she left and didn't walk her to her truck or anything. I was in a good mood and laughing, etc. I have been working on my own moral inventory, and have been making changes and getting closer to God. He has been helping me with the pain.

Like I said before, she has her oldest son over at her OM's house, and wants to get all of the kids over there to make her new boyfriend and adultery accepted by them. I do not want my youngest D10 going. The kids will do almost anything to be with mama, but my two daughters want her to visit here and not take them there. My eldest stepson gets bribed with extra freedoms, attention, clothes, gifts, etc. over there. She also does things out of character, like sexier clothes for my D15 and high heels for my 10-year old. I hear she acts happy over there, but I think it's fake most of the time, and her temper and feelings will come out more as time goes by (slowly). I am trying to balance social for me with spending enough time with my poor daughters. what else can I do---I am starting the bowflex again tomorrow. I have known I could never fix her, but I have tried to give her the tools and knowledge to fix herself --God, therapist, psychiatrist, share groups, etc. The therapist has stirred her into being "all about me" (with little regard for kids) and I think my wife will be sorry later, but how much later? She does seem miserable when we see her for short periods. She won't even stay in the house much. Any suggestions???? Is this enough info?