Not saying that I did not think about contacting him everyday - heck sometimes every minute. But the not hearing the "I love you" that we exchanged everytime we hung up the phone or left to go somewhere is just to hard NOT to hear right now.
When I felt I had to contact him I would jump on here - read some of the post about detaching - why to detach - who the detaching is really for and it worked. I am also very lucky to have a sister that just listens and tells me I can do anything I want to do and supports all my decisions without making judgement. I call her A LOT!! wish she was closer.
Hang in there - when you get to day 2 and you get the need to contact - go shopping - read - do something and force yourself not to contact. I am still waiting for it to get easier.
LNG Me - 37 H - 42 S - 19 D - 16 D - 14 M - 20 years S - 1/11/2010 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942142&page=1
It's so hard because I know I have to detach. But I end up letting my impulses/emotions take over. I'm usually a very anxious person, so I think that is why I have such a hard time controlling my impulses to engage him.
When he tells me he is done, and wants out and that we'll never get past this. I believe every word he says, and become devastated and desperate.
I totally understand this. I so often feel devastated and desperate too . We need to detach for ourselves, our own well-being. My IC says that self care for me right now is not allowing my own thoughts hurt and undermine me. I'm guessing that for every time your H says something hurtful to you, you replay it a hundred times in your head...and you end up hurting yourself more than he does. This is a journey about our R with ourselves, esp. because our R with our Hs is temporarily or permanently over.
You're putting a lot of energy into your sitch, and you need to shift that energy for doing a 180...for yourself. If you are an anxious person, all the more reason to work on being calm. Take a yoga or meditation class if possible. Make it your mission to buy a little more peace for yourself each day.
Take care mb. Others can support us, but we are the only ones who can choose a new self-loving path for ourselves.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
flowmom - thank you. Your right to much of my energy is going to H.
Phu - Are you working on your M with your S? I would love to get a summary of your sitch, if you don't mind.
H came over again last night. It was late so I was unable to leave. However, I didn't talk hardly at all, and he tried to fight with me, but I was very calm. Basically he is just trying to get info from me about the letter. I finally told him that I'm not going to sit and defend myself, that I had nothing to do with it, and if that is why he came over he can leave now.
He shut up about that, and started talking about our M. I just said that I would like to work on it, but for now as long as he was involved with this OW, I want no part of it. Of course he did the "were just friends", I just ignored him. Then he started to ask me what my plans were for us. I repeated that I was willing to work on M when he was done with her. After a few more minutes of him saying he just doesn't see how it will work, blah blah blah. I finally said, I'm going to bed, it's time for you to leave.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
H came over again last night. It was late so I was unable to leave. However, I didn't talk hardly at all, and he tried to fight with me, but I was very calm. Basically he is just trying to get info from me about the letter. I finally told him that I'm not going to sit and defend myself, that I had nothing to do with it, and if that is why he came over he can leave now.
He shut up about that, and started talking about our M. I just said that I would like to work on it, but for now as long as he was involved with this OW, I want no part of it. Of course he did the "were just friends", I just ignored him. Then he started to ask me what my plans were for us. I repeated that I was willing to work on M when he was done with her. After a few more minutes of him saying he just doesn't see how it will work, blah blah blah. I finally said, I'm going to bed, it's time for you to leave.
Puppy, Thank you. I honestly didn't think I had it in me. But finally, I was able to stand my ground. Of course after he left he texted OW, and then she called him back and they talked for 68 min.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Puppy, Thank you. I honestly didn't think I had it in me. But finally, I was able to stand my ground. Of course after he left he texted OW, and then she called him back and they talked for 68 min.
OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. That part that WAS within your control -- you controlled, and did a damned fine job of it, too!
You will need to repeat this with him several more times, but after he sees that he CANNOT bait you into an R convo anymore, without it just being bounced back on him similarly to how you did it above, he will eventually stop trying to bait you.
Oh, and chances are quite a bit of that 68 minutes was with your husband in a rather agitated state, and NOT very pleasant for them.
There talking had slowed down the last week, as far as I can tell. I'm sure they have other ways of communicating that I don't see, like IM or email. But since the letter, they are now talking again all the time. She even texted him while he was talking with me last night, and he told me it was her. He actually acted annoyed that she texted him.
The one thing I don't like is that ever since the letter, he acts so worried about her. He tells me that her life is ruined, and how mean this is for someone to do to her. It's almost like he cares more about her feeling then mine.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb, you handled that so well! I hope that I'll be able to do that when/if we get to that point.
About your H's concern for OW, that makes sense to me. Part of the attraction to her was probably her neediness, and his sense that he could be a knight in shining armour for her. But of course, men get pretty bored of the knight role...just be patient.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
. We need to detach for ourselves, our own well-being. My IC says that self care for me right now is not allowing my own thoughts hurt and undermine me. I'm guessing that for every time your H says something hurtful to you, you replay it a hundred times in your head...and you end up hurting yourself more than he does. This is a journey about our R with ourselves, esp. because our R with our Hs is temporarily or permanently over.
