how do i keep my hope alive?

[Onthemountaintop]

i should be the one to initiate any separation agreement.

Do you remember how you felt when you thought the separation agreement was in the works? Do you think it will help you meet your goals by doing that to him? He might deserve it, but will it help?

I began D mediation in Nov., but we only met the mediator once. After that, we both decided to cool things down until we were more sure. I thought it would help her see that I was serious about moving together or moving on. It did. It didn't help much, but it did help.

Your H has already moved away, but then come back through the blizzard to profess his care for you. That isn't a promise, but it is hope. What would a separation agreement, or even talking about meeting a lawyer, mean to him? What would it mean to you? It never hurts to get advice, but some actions can't be undone. Reading your posts, but not being in your shoes, I feel that he is beginning to see a future with you again. Do you think that is correct? If so, and you want that future with him, perhaps set boundaries where needed - a lawyer isn't needed for that.

I'm starting to realize how my own past has added to my ADHD insecurities. When my W began talking about 'please move away for a month, but I might not want you when you return', I noticed real resentment. Does she want me or not? Is she helping me understand myself and giving me space to figure out my confusions or not? Do you think your H is insecure? If so, was he always this way?

Remember, you believed your mom is part of the problem - you might want to ignore her advice. She doesn't seem to like your H, maybe you shouldn't either (I don't know), but you seem to love him deeply.

Regardless of what you decide, make sure you make this decision to better your understanding of yourself and toward meeting your goals.

[talia]

I would suggest you simply TALK to the attny and find out the details. Unfortunately you have to look out for ONLY YOU in this sitch. If there is a legal strategy to help you, you need to know about it and employ it if necessary. Worrying about whether or not this will change H's mind is NOT something that should factor in.

REMEMBER - Believe NOTHING they say and HALF of what they do.

I know it was nice that H stopped by - and it gave you a GREAT opportunity to show the fabulous DBing you.. but I wouldn't say its hope. It could just be loneliness or guilt.... you have NO WAY of knowing.

I think you KNOW all of this... but just in case

Seperation agreements are NOT a D and can be reversed. Filing for D is NOT completing it and can be reversed. There isn't any ONE THING you will do to sway him one way or the other. But doing what is best for you will breed respect and THATS something you can rebuild on....

(((TTA)))

T

[trytryagain]

i think that the fact that my H is wavering and is unsure of what he wants right now, shows that, at the very least, he hasn't yet closed the door on our M. i certainly don't want to push him to one side of the fence right now if he's in a place mentally where he may be willing to do the work to save our M, which is what i think would happen if i handed him a legal agreement to sign.

i get what you are saying about ignoring my mom's advice, and i think that their main concern is that i get some advice and know what my options are. i don't really WANT to ask him to sign anything, but my parents are all over me to "protect myself" from getting financially screwed. but i do think that, like you said, me pushing for him to sign something would not really be giving him the space he needs, it would be saying, you want out, you get out. i don't know if i think he's insecure but i do think he probably feels inadequate to make me happy and fill my needs. my DB coach said maybe it's a case that he feels he can make everyone happy BUT me, since he's so charming and captivating...so i can see howo that would lead to insecurity.

my new life coach said that once i decide i want to work things out, i have to stop thinking in terms of "if he decides to leave." i thought i wouldn't hear from him all day yesterday, and just as i was about to stop thinking about it i got a text from him saying thanks again for talking to him the day before, that he'd finally been able to sleep and that maybe we could talk again on the weekend.

my goal is making my M work. i think in order to get there, i'm going to have to do a LOT of ignoring my mother's advice. in her eyes, people who love each other and are committed to their marriages do NOT move out into separate apartments, or say that they are unsure that they want to be married.

my H is not a bad person. he's hurt me and i've hurt him, but i don't feel that we couldn't use this experience as a chance to grow together towards a better, stronger M.

[Onthemountaintop]

I guess your words must have a very soothing affect on him if you could destress him to sleep. YOU ARE AMAZING! Don't forget it.

Like I am doing to my W, he has hurt you. I will always feel bad about putting her through this, even if it turns out to make us a wonderful M. I really don't know him more than what you've said, but having boundaries are important. Pushing toward a D when he's only been gone a few weeks, I'm not so sure. It is very kind of you to try seeing both sides of the coin as he may not be able to.

Are you excited to the prospect of talking to him this weekend, or are you nervous?

[trytryagain]

i don't want to push for a D at all...and i haven't even spoken to the family friend/lawyer yet. and i'm not in a hurry to. i know my H feels badly about putting us both through this because he's had an equally hard time and has been hurting a lot, too. talia, i know you said it's good that he stopped by, but that maybe it was out of guilt or loneliness, which could certainly be true. but for him to stop by when there was literally so much snow blowing around you couldn't see 3 feet in front of you...i don't know, i think that's a little more than loneliness. again i'm not trying to mind read, but if i was lonely and had the option to trek through a blizzard or stay on my couch and read a book...i'd most likely pick the book.

OTM, if i see him again this weekend, i would be anxious in that nervous/excited/hesitant kind of way. i don't want to NOT talk to him or NOT see him...

he also said last night he was thinking a lot about faith, which is something he's never expressed interest in before. he gave me "have a little faith" by the author of tuesdays with morrie, which i started last night and i know he already read (well, it's an audio book, so i know he listened to it on a long car trip home over christmas). just to hear him say that word, faith, definitely has my ears perked up.

[Onthemountaintop]

Whatever you're doing, sounds like DB in action~keep it up TTA!

Don't forget to keep working on yourself though - a hope proved fales is sometimes worse than no hope at all, I think. For you and your M, make the "new and improved" be deep down to the core ingredients. Then, pass on the recipie to us!!

[trytryagain]

i'm definitely moving forward with working on myself. last night i tried my first acro-yoga class which was the BIGGEST exercise in blind trust i've ever participated in. after that class, i was practically radiating happiness, i haven't felt that good in a long time! stopped in an art museum today just to say hello to some of my favorite works and even got myself some new clothes (all on sale!). plan to hit the gym later today and do a BIG 180 for me by going to a party in my building and socializing with my neighbors.

haven't heard from my H today at all, but he did text last night just to say hello. i told my sister last night, i LIKE the new and improved me and i'm feeling really good about myself and my outlook on life. even though i miss my H and our life together, i'm learning to use this as a time to grow and learn more about myself.

still haven't talked to the L who is friends of my parents. think i'll "forget" to follow up with her for now.

[trytryagain]

so i got another text from my H today (he makes it very hard to go dark!), asking if i wanted to meet for lunch or coffee tomorrow or monday. i answered that i have plans for lunch tomorrow but could meet for a drink tomorrow night or after work on monday. i'm not really sure what he wants to talk about but...i'm anxious to see him again. should i take it as a good sign that he wants to meet up? i have no reason to believe he wants to ask me to sign anything or have any sort of talk about D. i don't want to be overly optimistic either, though.

i guess i'll just let him see how i've been doing since he moved out 2 weeks ago. and i'm sure a cute dress wouldn't hurt, either.

[trytryagain]

had a really nice time with my H tonight. we met for a drink and talked for a while like we were just on a date, nothing really about our R until a bit later in the night. it felt good to see him and talk to him again. he got choked up a few times, said he was sorry for some things, and i did, too. he also kissed me. he said he's still not mentally in the place where i am, but we're definitely not talking D right now and he cried when he told me how much he missed me.

he asked me at the end of the night if i wanted to meet for coffee or dinner later this week, which i said i'd have to see what my schedule looked like but that i'd love to. so. i know i am no where near out of the woods, but...i feel good. i enjoyed being with him, we laughed and just sitting across the table from him at one of our favorite restaurants just felt better than i've felt in a while. i know he can see the changes i'm making, and i know how much i can feel them!

don't know what will happen from here, but i have a sense of hope that i haven't really had in a while.

[Onthemountaintop]

but we're definitely not talking D right now

Did he say this, or imply it?

Either way - point scored! It sounds like you can genuinely see you improving yourself, too. Point number two!