Some things I've learned which I would hope to share with others:
Dont react on emotions. If you're feeling sad or angry or scared about something you see, hear, read, etc. think about what you want to do/say/etc, then wait a day or so before taking action. And by all means if you are doing something and your gut tells you somethings not right...as in you can foresee potential severe negative consequences...dont do it til you've asked at least 3 other people about it.
Something else I've begun to think about is why some of the advice offered wouldnt necessarily work in my own sitch is because we were never married. Theres no spearation which may end in divorce...it is as if we are already divorced.
And even though it's likely my ex cheated/was having an EA with this OM before she left me, and even if she used her issues with me as excuses to leave so she could pursue OM, the fact is, he's really her new boyfriend...and not an OM in an intermarital affair.
Since she left, I've pursued off and on. A day or so of no pursuit and then back to heavy pursuit. Until yesterday when I had her blocked from my phone I wasnt even going dark and having no contact right.
I think the biggest things that have put me where I am now though are my reacting on my emotions. While I dont know if I can believe her, she may really have been trying to give me another chance several weeks ago...and when I got weirded out by her turning her phone off and went over there and cought them, that was a huge strike against me. The next huge strike against me was the conversation we had the other day that she said caused her to lose all respect for me.
The final strike against me, which really wasnt under my control, was this email or whatever it was that the OM got that she or he thinks is from me. Its not...but they think it is and that's why I got the warning of any further contact and she'd call the cops.
I dont know what conversation took place between her and OM...but I can only imagine that either he coached her into saying that, or he said to her that he cant deal with this kind of drama and if she didnt do something about it he couldnt be with her.
Either way would have been a big motivator for her, as she is head over heels for him and takes his word as gospel...and he is her new gravy train...so if he goes away so do her hopes of a secure and well-to-do lifestyle...which is why I got the death threat.
So really its two strikes against me that are my fault, and the third is assumed to be my fault from my past actions.
I dont think I will ever understand why she kept flip flopping on me though, aside from, as I said, hoping to get ammo against me for custody rights.
Essentially boundary setting from the point of not tolerating her relationship with the OM was always impossible...as we werent married. We were/are broken up and she wants nothing more to do with me, so saying I wouldnt tolerate her being with OM and setting any sort of consequence (eg. being done with her/not being a friend) was essentially meaningless.
I mean...it took a while for me to get here but I'm in compelled strict no contact/no friendship with her and I dont think I'll be seeing her come running back or even showing interest in our R due to it.
That might be different if we were married and a D hadnt happened yet. So for the majority that come here, who are married, these techniques have a much better chance of success. And if I hadnt pursued as much and gone dark and into NC from day one Id likely be in a better position than I am...but still not in any position to make demands about her ending it with the OM/her new b/f.
