If she goes after him with both barrels, great!:) If you stay totally out of it and don't get in the middle at all, if he asks if you put her up to it she can honestly say no. That is how I have tried to be with my kids.
That MLC clouds their judgment to no end. I know, my H and I have also had the discussion about how messed up the world is and how parents have failed their kids. And here is he. I had a discussion with him about finances today (he has done the typical MLC spending thing) and I did play the kid card and let him know (as gently as I could) that the kids were doing without because of it. That did seem to strike a chord with him. Who knows if it accomplished anything lasting though. We will see.
This MLC thing is no fun. Hang in there. It really goes get easier.
Hope the financial talk with your H did some sinking in.
I haven't had to deal with that yet and hopefully won't, but my H's work place has slowed down and he has whined about money being tighter. H said you'll still be getting XX in C/S, but I only have XX left for me. So hard to hold my tongue!! I would like to tell him that maybe he shouldn't be at the home improvement store buying flooring and molding for ow's house. I zip my lip and say nothing.
I need some advice. I'm confused as to what approach to take with H. One school of thought is NC, the other is to be friendly, PMA, upbeat when I see him. He rarely contacts me unless it's financial or kid related and there isn't really any reason for him to as he has ow to fullfill his emotional needs.
SA, I think you can do both. Don't contact him unless you absolutely have to about kids or finances. Let him contact you. When you do see him, act like you said - friendly, upbeat, and like you are fine. Keep it light. Let that be the you he always sees. I try, but it is hard with my H still living at home and he does see me on my bad days, too, though I try to keep it out of his face.
Act "as if" you are moving on with your life and are coping just fine. Eventually the acting becomes reality, which will benefit you no matter what happens.
For me the best way to accomplish what TF advised you was to start out NC and as time goes by you add in the friendly upbeat. Some of it comes down to try to mirror you H. If he is wild with crazy antics or behavior that you can't put up with the NC is the best. As he calms down or is more friendly you can act accordingly.
When this first happened I spun like crazy. I was back and forth so much you'd have thought I was the MLCer. I know I confused the heck out of H. I truly thought I was going off the deep end.
As I got my bearings and began to learn more about what was happening with H, I pretty much went dark on him. If I did see him I acted 'as if' things were fine. Now, like I said I contact him if it's financial or kid related and he the same for me. When I see him now I always act positive and upbeat and it's not so much of an act. It does get easier.
I guess I'm wondering if I'll ever get the chance to validate any of his feelings. We did have R talks in the beginning of this, but those were projections from him and defending by me. Now we avoid R talks altogether, just like we did when we were together. An actual 180 would be to have a R talk, but that is a no-no. Am trying to follow the rules and keep the pressure off.
Thanks again. It really does help to have people to talk to that know exactly what I'm going through.
Tried the FB thing with new account and am having trouble. Will figure it out.
If you used this name, I think I found you. Check and let me know.
I want to say that NC, while many really find it to be helpful, and there are times when it is, personally, it did not work well for me. Because there were times that we had to be in contact, kids and finances, as well as passing in the hall. I removed him from my cell phone so that if I had the urge to contact him I would actually have to think about dialing the number. I only replied if he spoke to me in the house. For a long time. But when I did, I did act as if. Mostly because I was stubborn and didn’t want him thinking he upset me.
You have to do this the way that you feel works for you. With the exception of R talks, and even those are going to happen once in a while and eventually will have to happen. There is no one perfect way to DB. Much of it depends on where WE are in our journey.
In the beginning, we all spin, and do all of the “wrong” things. Then we try different things, and we see what works and what doesn’t. But the key is not so much what works for him, but what works for you. IF you can handle speaking with him as a friend or an acquaintance every single day for hours, then do it. If you can’t, then don’t.
Today, he may be willing to be your friend and tomorrow your smile could make a raving lunatic appear. Things change daily with them. And they will for a while. So you have to decide this for you and no one else can tell you what to do.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
What I still can't wrap my head around in all of this is that he replaced me with ow in only 2 weeks, 2 days. Most people who know are incredulous and believe he had to have been carrying on with her longer than that. There is absolutely nothing to indicate that he was even talking to her longer than that. The funeral home viewing for her father 2 weeks previous was the first indication that I had that anything was going on when I think back on it. During those 2 weeks he was being vague as to his whereabouts at times and he smelled like cigarette smoke when he came on on the weekends between. OW smokes like a fiend from what I gather. It does seem unbelievable that their relationship is based on the fact that they dated when they were 16 and that was forty years ago.
I have found out and not by my own snooping that ow must have mental issues of her own due to the abuse she endured as a child and teenager by her father. She is one of 5 children. Her brother was one of H's best friends as teenagers and then H started dating her.
When H and I, were first dating 29 years ago, her brother was in a car accident and was killed. I do remember back then that there was talk of it being suicide. I have found out recently that it was and due to the abuse by their father that her brother killed himself. Ow told her mother what their father was doing to them and her mother told her to shut up and never to talk about it again. What boggles my mind about it all is that ow remained close to her father up until his death. I do not know if H is aware of this information or not, but with ow's probable mental issues and H's, this sitch is so entangled that I can't see it ever being straightened around. They are two broken individuals clinging to each other. Obviously, I can never approach H with what I know.
Incidentally, ow's brother's funeral must have been what H was referring to when he told me on the day he was moving in with her, that they almost got back together while H and I were dating. I asked him why they didn't and he told me that we all make mistakes. I guess that H believes his marriage to me and our kids are mistakes. I sometimes wonder if Standing for such an impossible sitch means that I have my own mental issues? I don't think so. I just believe that you don't love someone for twenty nine years and build a life with them and you flip a switch and it's over. I guess H believes that it is through his rewritten history. How do things get so screwed up???
Sometimes the hopelessness of this sitch overwhelms me.
After reading what you just wrote MHO is that you should not worry about the OW. That R is not going to last. Your H at some point is going to realize that OW is mentally ill. Then he will be running looking for another fix.
Think about that and understand this is why you have to detach and go on living your life as if he is not coming back but make your self the best option. Either for him or for someone else. YOU deserve that!
This is not going to get fixed fast. You can do this.
Thanks so much OP. You don't know how badly I needed to read those words.
I hesitated to post that one, but figured putting it out there to give you guys more background and get incites and opinions would help me.
Changes are happening in me. Some are necessary because I'm living without H and realize that the odds of him not returning are high. Some are because I'm discovering who I am again, and that's kinda fun.
Detaching has helped a lot. It has started to get to a point that I've stepped back so much that it's almost like watching a movie. Some of it is heartbreaking, but other parts are almost comical. Hope that makes sense.
I know I will make it. Lived single after college and made it just fine. This time around I have kids who bring me comfort and joy. We did a good job raising them and I feel sorry that H will be missing out on so much with them. I think he will be surprised when and if the fog finally lifts to see all the changes in the kids and I.
Thanks again, and hope things are going well for you.
