i'm not trying to salvage the marriage. i'm moving on, making myself better, if she sees something she wants, then we will need to work together. I will not be in a marriage that i fear is tipping all of the time, that's what i felt like for nearly 10 years. it's a slow process and quick one at the same time.
she needs the "finances need to be split up" discussion to make her see consequences. she has scheduled vacations and other expenditures that require both of our income and i will not pay for half of her vacations. she needs to see that she will be required to write me a check each month to make our salaries equal. she needs to see 1/2 of her share of a company ownership going to me.
i have offered her a truce if she has stopped all communication with OM. she said that all communication with OM has stopped. i informed her that i did not trust her, but i would trust her, because i don't want to secretly be gathering intel on her life. i said she can be honest with me or lie, eventually the lie will come out without me looking. i think that this is the best approach with my W, she knows that i know and i will tell anyone who asks the truth, and she gets the comfort of not being scared that i'm invading her privacy.
i never waived the "attack" around. the kids were asking what happened and i said it was an accident, she interrupted and told them the truth.
M=37 W=40 Married=10,T=12 D=10 D=8 WAW Bomb=1/12 EA confirmed=1/13 EA exposed=1/27 Current In house separation
she gets back in town and i'm keeping everything short and sweet, not starting conversations. I did not call at all when she was away, avoided her calls and emails, only responding hours later. She says "should i leave? it seems like you are trying not to talk to me." I say "nothing wrong, i'm a little tired."
i would assume this is normal, and she is noticing the pull back. and i would assume that i keep it up and let her come to me, if it happens.
also she has tried to schedule a lunch meeting today with a girl friend, and afternoon wine with another girl friend. this is the day after she has returned from being out of town for a week. thankfully i have work meeting that breaks up both of her meetings so she either has to cancel or find arrangements for the kids. should i discuss a kid schedule with her so she is responsible for the kids certain days of the week, which would include food etc.?
M=37 W=40 Married=10,T=12 D=10 D=8 WAW Bomb=1/12 EA confirmed=1/13 EA exposed=1/27 Current In house separation
I'm just going to post one more time here, because I'm thinking my advice doesn't really resonate with you.
Everything you are currently doing sounds like a strategy, a plan, or just outright manipulation. You are motivated by how your actions will provoke her to change. Hoping that it's good change, but being nervous that your choices will produce bad change.
You're not approaching this right if you have to ask questions every step along the way.
You're an adult. You have a reasonable sense of right and wrong.
Do what is right. Assess your situation and do the honorable and right thing. Don't worry about how your wife responds. That's the nice thing about just choosing to do what you know in your gut is right.
If you're looking to punish your wife by showing her the consequences of her choices, you're approaching this thing ALL wrong.
If you're just honestly attempting to disovle the relationship, then you're getting it done the hard, long, and painful way. If you're truly done, as you said, see a lawyer or hire a mediator and do this right. Take it out of the realm of you making all the decisions and put it in the hands of an impatial party.
Otherwise, this just sounds like you either trying to punish her or manipulate her.
Best Wishes.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
she gets back in town and i'm keeping everything short and sweet, not starting conversations. I did not call at all when she was away, avoided her calls and emails, only responding hours later. She says "should i leave? it seems like you are trying not to talk to me." I say "nothing wrong, i'm a little tired."
Cannon,
Here's a clue:
Not responding to texts right away, claiming you were "busy" (always a better reason than "tired," btw), shouldn't be a technique, or a tactic.
You should actually BE busy, if you are indeed going about the GAL things and making the self-improvements that you need to be making.
In other words, this will become more natural to you when you stop focusing on your wife, and focusing on yourself.
i appreciate your advice and i think this is one problem with message boards. everyone who reads any post inserts there own personal feelings.
it is hard for me to express my feelings in a short post on a message board.
i'm approaching this in a, what is right for me, no punishing, no manipulating.
i ask questions, because i need to put some feelings down, i don't feel like talking to friends and family would help my cause so this is my outlet.
i ask questions to see if others have traveled the same path and did it help in the long run. does setting a kid schedule help in a in house separation sitch, etc?
i need to not do things that she can pay someone to do. i need to pull away from her, that might draw her closer, it might lead us to D. I'm not really sure, but i won't be dwelling on what she thinks or how she feels.
as far as the consequences of her choices, she is living in a dreamy fog right now. originally she wanted to live here for a year or two and be roommates and she could have EA with OM and i would do all of the things i used to do. i believe with help here i have shifted that. now EA has "stopped" she thinks she can move out, kids will be great "they are resilient" and we can be great friends(if we can't communicate as H and W how that is going to change?) and we(she and i separately) will live at the same lifestyle we do currently. a dreamy world where everyone still thinks she is great because she puts on a fake front to help everyone but herself and those closest to her. a need to hurt men, because men hurt her in her childhood.
I did not find all of these things before we married and had a D and then a second D. we have the greatest Ds in the world in my opinion, they are incredibly smart and wise beyond their years, and funny, have great personalities. I'm not sure how W and i are so successful with raising them and I hope my W decision does not F*** that up.
so i welcome your advice. hopefully i have explained myself a bit better but, if you feel that i don't listen then that's fine to.
M=37 W=40 Married=10,T=12 D=10 D=8 WAW Bomb=1/12 EA confirmed=1/13 EA exposed=1/27 Current In house separation
You should actually BE busy, if you are indeed going about the GAL things and making the self-improvements that you need to be making.
In other words, this will become more natural to you when you stop focusing on your wife, and focusing on yourself.
I usually am very busy, and I have in the past dropped anything to communicate with her. so, she will notice that for sure, that i'm not pausing my life to deal with her current problem.
M=37 W=40 Married=10,T=12 D=10 D=8 WAW Bomb=1/12 EA confirmed=1/13 EA exposed=1/27 Current In house separation
well it did not take long to find out that the EA is continuing, and i didn't even have to look. last night long FB chat with OM and today ran from lunch with friend to go to her office to call OM. use office phone so i don't see it on the bill.
her F had a discussion with OM that he should not be communicating with my W until D is final, he had the same discussion with my W.
Should i somehow get into the boundary discussion again? and see if she will tell the truth and assure that i trust her and she can lie if she chooses to-if she does eventually i'll find out, without trying.
Should i call her F and tell him that she is lying to him to? does not seem to be a good option seems like petty stuff
should i tell her that i know about the FB stuff and phone call from her office? she will say that i have lied to her and that i am invading her privacy when i said i would not.
i need to break this s**t up, it has not been physical yet, but they talked about him traveling at the same time as her.
M=37 W=40 Married=10,T=12 D=10 D=8 WAW Bomb=1/12 EA confirmed=1/13 EA exposed=1/27 Current In house separation
we are scheduled to have a finances discussion this evening. not sure how that is going to go.
was talking with my sister on the phone and noticed that W was listening in on our conversation. that led into a long conversation about our sitch. she started it and i remained very calm and confident.
she said that my pulling back is me being mean, not helping her, not conversing with her, etc.
i found the opportunity to ask if she has discontinued all communication with OM like she said. she said "i can't tell you that" to which i responded,"then obviously you are, how can i make this more clear that if you want to communicate with him you need to be out of this home, this family that we built." she says that as soon as the finances and other logistics are together then she will. she says that i'll change my tune as soon as i find another woman.
she says that i deserve a woman who will cherish me and want to consume me, that i deserve that and i will find one very quickly when i start looking. she basically stated that she can not see past the troubles that we have had in the past. she says that i'm a great guy, and very handsome, but she sees a weak man that can't take care of her and that is all she can see.
M=37 W=40 Married=10,T=12 D=10 D=8 WAW Bomb=1/12 EA confirmed=1/13 EA exposed=1/27 Current In house separation
She's been telling herself those very things over and over again in her head for who knows how long now. They have become her justification for the actions she's thrown herself into.
It starts with at least some truth however, but then you are aware of your role in her discontentment.
As for the "you'll feel better when you get a new woman...yada yada yada" stuff, that's pretty typical stuff too. If you find another, she doesn't have to feel guilty. Plus it fits with her mental justification.
If you spend any more time picking apart nad dwelling on these words, you are only torturing yourself.
This is why you stay away from relationship discussions.
In the end, they change absolutely nothing about how YOU choose to address the crisis.
Again, these things are totally NOT unexpected.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
she said that my pulling back is me being mean, not helping her, not conversing with her, etc.
. . .
she says that i'm a great guy, and very handsome, but she sees a weak man that can't take care of her and that is all she can see.
Then there are your clues to her heart. Show her strength, while not being mean or an ass. Converse with her without condoning her poor decisions, and without R discussions.
