Allen A, He does NOT tell me where he is going, and I told him that yesterday how I didn't like that I was always telling him where I was at, but he would get mad when I asked him where he was going.
I do have a feeling these texts are being kept from OW. They happen mostly during the day while we are at work. I know they are a half-hearted effort on his part to work on the M. At first I liked the idea because he was finally initiating something. However, I feel like I need more now.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Allen A, How do I let him know that I do want to work on the marraige? Should I wait until he asks me something about it. Or the next time I see him, just let him know that?
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Just to explain what we are doing here in a bit more detail.
You cannot END someone else's affair.
What you CAN do is INFLUENCE the PACE to which it progresses.
All affairs END eventually... some end in a few weeks, some take ten or more years...
The thing is... the abandoned spouse has a strong influence on the pace of the affair they are being exposed to.
Their choices and actions can speed it up, or slow it down...
When you EXPOSE, you speed it up When you act nice and needy, you slow it down When you DETACH, you speed it up When you fight with him, you slow it down etc
This is a smilar question to Michel's is what I am about to say or do giong to bring my spouse closer to me or further away...
The question here is
Is what I am about to do going to speed the demise of the affair UP, or is it going to slow it DOWN?
Isolating yourself into a safety zone WILL speed the demise UP... you are forcing her to deal with him FULL TIME... and he won't have you to RANT with ... so.. you guessed it.. he will antagonize HER instead.. he will BLAME her for your shutting him OUT... All of that ugly business you dont' have to expose yourself to... so you get time to rest and heal.
When you shut yourself off from him.. But him knowing you WANT him back when his affair is over.... This puts a LOT of pressure on him to DEAL... She's got a world of problems on her end to deal with too so... That's just icing...
He's trying to pull you IN... when you zone OUT then its better for YOU and worse for HER... Let those two bicker and complain at each other... don't let him bring you in as a third party to that nonsense...
You get your friend to tell him all of this.. the one you said who was willing to talk to him... YOu tell him NOTHING
Your friend tells him something like
"She is willing to work things out with you, even after the way you have been treating her... But there is NO way she's going to move an INCH of ground while you are in contact with this "friend" of yours. I don't CARE if its an emotional affair or a physical one.. this woman has go to go, or you will lose your family and your friends and everything that is important to you..."
Your husband will likley throw her his denial script...
Your friend just has to say
"This woman is NOT welcome by your wife... regardless of what she and you are or are NOT doing... I really don't CARE if you're cheating.. your WIFE is HURTING and you are putting this woman AHEAD of your wife... THAT needs to STOP or she is NOT going to talk to you ... AT ALL"
"This woman is married and she likley has problems of her own, you are in no shape to help her... you both need to cut the chord and work on your marriages"
"If you want to talk, you can always come to me, day or night.. But your wife does NOT want to SEE you until this woman is GONE.. got it?"
if you can find a friend to give him a talk like that you are gold
I like the texts because they are a secret from OW... That means she may FIND OUT eventually...
THAT is a bomb just waiting to go off... But at the same time, it coddles him into maintaining the affair because he thinks you are happy with his arrangement...
so its a plus and a minus... when you are KIND to a cheater, they EXPLOIT that... it does NOT bring them BACK.
That makes a lot of since, thank you. How do I let him know that I do want to work on the M? Also, I'm still not sure if I should reply to any of his "Have a good day" texts.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
This is a tough one on these texting things... let me think on it. I would hold off on them for at least three days... He was likley getting to enjoy them... so hold them away from him...
I will think on it.. pup may have something to say on them... it IS doing damage to teh affair for him to have a secret contact with you... I am HOPING she FINDS them... What do you think pup?
If MB thinks the OW is seeing the texts, I MIGHT be inclined to have her say something that might hasten the demise of the affair, but it doesn't seem like she's seeing them. I think she's better off remaining dark.
I REALLY like the "safety zone"/intermediary stuff, if you can arrange that. I agree -- "golden."
I have seen some success with betrayed spouses (particularly women) telling OW that they are still having sex with their husband. Cheating husbands usually tell their affair partners that they've STOPPED having sex with their wives, and it can drive a really strong wedge between them if you can either get your husband to ML to you and then tell her about it, or even if you just fake it like you have.
One more thing I forgot to mention. Me and some of my family are going to a casino this coming up Saturday and staying the night, this is for my birthday. My H was going to come too as of Thursday. However, with all the stuff that has happened since yesterday I'm not sure if he is still planning on going. I don't plan on asking him either way. But what should I do if he asks if I still want him to go?
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
