I wanted to post some of the texts that he sent me, most of which I didn't respond:
H: I'm pissed today cuz of the letter. We where starting to work things out and now u pull this. Then u sent her dad a letter
Me: WT#$^# are you talking about? - then I tried to call him with no answer
H:We stopped talking and then today she tells me her dad got a letter saying we r having an affair. It also said HIS MOMS NAME. So u sent my mom one.
I tried to call again, and still no answer
H: Don't call me! I'm done.
Me: I don't know what your talking about. I'm sick of being blamed for stuff I didn't do, I'm done.
H:Who else wood do that
Me: I don't know, and I don't care. This is your mess and I'm not taking the blame. Don't text me anymore.
This is when he called me, and I answered. I yelled and told him to leave me alone and that I wanted no part of his drama anymore. Towards the end of the conversation is when he told me he believed me, and was sorry. I said I don't care and hung up.
H: I'm sorry - no reply
H: Can I come talk to u Me: NO
H:I'm sorry. forgive me I over reacted - no reply
H: We where on our way to working it out and this time I messed up - no reply
H: So does this mean ur done with me Me: I need time alone right now. I'm sick of being treated like #$%^^
H: I understand I messed up. Let me know when u want to talk.
This is pretty much where it is right now.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
That's kind of a wierd situation, because your defensiveness (because you would have done it if you could have) came through in repeatedly trying to phone him and responding to many of his texts initially to protest your innocence. You and your H were really locked in a push-pull about a situation that involved you only indirectly. I wonder if saying "oh, I'm glad someone did that...saves me the bother" might have gotten your POV across more efficiently and been a more transparent response? I know we're dissecting in hindsight though, and I know that my adrenaline really gets pumping when I feel in conflict with H these days.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
H came over last night about 11:30. I told him I didn’t want to talk right now. He trapped me into a fight. Saying we were doing good, but that every weekend there is some type of drama and he can’t handle it anymore. I told him that this was his drama not mine, and he had no right to put this one on me.
He acted very different from the “I’m sorry” texts, now it was as if he was blaming me all over again. I just said I couldn’t do this anymore, and that I needed commitment from him or he needed to end it. He replied with telling me he knows that I’m done, and he doesn’t understand why I’m holding on. I told him my goal was to save our M. He said that he didn’t see how we could ever come back from this.
I’m so mad that he came over and trapped me into a fight. In addition, what’s with the “I’m sorry” texts and the blaming me again when he gets here? The conversation didn’t last long, and I didn’t say much, then finally I said he needed to leave I was going to bed.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I just said I couldn’t do this anymore, and that I needed commitment from him or he needed to end it. He replied with telling me he knows that I’m done, and he doesn’t understand why I’m holding on. I told him my goal was to save our M. He said that he didn’t see how we could ever come back from this.
MB,
First of all, it takes two to have a convo. You can't be "trapped" into a relationship conversation, if you are not willing to and you stick to your guns. "NO R CONVOS!" is a basic tenet of DBing, and they are, for the most part, totally CHEESELESS TUNNELS, as you are learning.
Secondly, you are sending your husband grossly mixed messages. "I am done!" doesn't jibe with "I needed commitment from him or he needed to end it" and "I told him my goal was to save our marriage."
You have GOT to allow your husband to remain "in the crucible" (Snarch). You had him there, and had you remained dark for 72 hours, as was recommended, you might have forced him into the crisis that's going to be necessary for him to make the tough decision. When you allow him to bait you into R convos, and then communicate in those convos that you are, indeed, NOT done, you set yourself back and allow him to wriggle off the hook, putting it back on you.
H: "I don't understand why you're holding on,"
needs to be met with
W: "I agree. I'm done. This is your mess, and you need to clean it up."
Puppy, Your so right. I'm so mad he came over because I knew he would get me going. I'm still going to go dark, and hope he doesn't try to come over again. I think he just came over to get intel from me for her. Right after he left, he texted her. Not sure what he said, all I can see is the number.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
H just called, I shouldn't have answered. Tells me we need to just file and get a D, he can't do this anymore. I just told him to do whatever he felt like he needed to do. Happy freaking Valentine to me )-:
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Wow mb. That's rough . Of course the timing doesn't help.
Detaching is so hard...every day I try to regain some of the territory in my own brain. I am lucky because H doesn't want to fight with me right now.
But PDT is right that it takes two to have a convo/fight/phone call. You need to talk to a safe person, write letters you don't send, etc. and get it all out...but stop engaging with your H! I also agree that you are sending mixed messages, not just with your words. Are you GAL and can your H see that? He won't believe you're done until he doesn't have the power to provoke you any more, until he can see that he can't reach you any more. I'm guessing that a 180 for you would be acting really, really calm, and refusing to about anything other than important parenting matters. He talks? You listen/validate. Practice doing it with a friend who pretends to be your H and tries to say things to enrage you.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
It's so hard because I know I have to detach. But I end up letting my impulses/emotions take over. I'm usually a very anxious person, so I think that is why I have such a hard time controlling my impulses to engage him.
When he tells me he is done, and wants out and that we'll never get past this. I believe every word he says, and become devastated and desperate.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb28 I am the same way - I believed every word my H said about being done. BUT I went dark for 5 days - have not seen him now in 7 days and the conversions are getting much better and we have not spoke of D in 2 weeks. But I will not have a R talk for a while. I know that it is not healthy for either one of us right now.
Keep the conversions about the kids - right there with ya. Hardest thing I have ever done.
LNG Me - 37 H - 42 S - 19 D - 16 D - 14 M - 20 years S - 1/11/2010 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942142&page=1
. Of course the timing doesn't help.