It's so hard because I know I have to detach. But I end up letting my impulses/emotions take over. I'm usually a very anxious person, so I think that is why I have such a hard time controlling my impulses to engage him.
Thank you Allen A for putting what he says to me in perspective. When he tells me he is done, and wants out and that we'll never get past this. I believe every word he says, and become devastated and desperate.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Mb28, what is happening when you engage him is this :
1. His emotions are in an intense state of flux, joy, misery, anxiety, fear, sadness, excitement... everything... think teenager and you got the picture 2. When he seeks YOU out... YOU pick up that energy since you two are emotionally bonded.. you feel what he does... almost instantly. 3. When you BOTH are in an intense state like this, excitement takes over and both of you start going AT each other.. its like sex without the fun. It's an emotional exchange.. something lovers need from each other.
If you CAN steel yourself from this happening.. play Mr Spock and just stand back and let him rant while you don't bat an eye.. they go for it.. this is REALLY HARD... so I usually reccomend DISTANCE or having a friend with you to shield you.. he wont go for this exchange when you have a friend right beside you.. again this is like sex.
This is HIS dilemna. He can see the mess he's in and he is miserable... he feels like he has to make a VERY painful choice on either end and he is CONFLICTED beyond description right now. He's TORN... THIS is the drama... think Wuthering heights or something like that... it is silly from the outside because the solution is painfully obvious.. but to him its a lose - lose situation and he just has to emote to deal.
Don't give him this emotional exchange.. he is just going to take it to the OW and she will console him...
If you can't distance yourself emotionally, then my advice is to distance yourself physically ... YOu need a safety zone from him. A friend's house you can take the kids to maybe?
You need a place where YOU can go that you KNOW he won't be permitted to harass you... A friend or family member who would put you up at a moment's notice for the night - and you don't even tell him where you have gone.. you just GO.
When my wife's friend was separating and her H was being an ass we let her stay at my place.. this was several years ago... her H wouldn't dare come by here and she felt perfectly safe... she brought her laptop and clothes... we gave her a key and she adopted the guest room... she even helped maintain the house while she was there... she came and went as she pleased...
YOU need a safety zone like this.. is this possible at all?
The thing is... He has left and you are waiting for HIM to come back..he's taken full control of the sitaution... he decides when he's there, and when he's not.. and he expects YOu to be there when he is... And he even expects you to be home when he's NOT there... if you go out.. he wont' like it.. and will get very panicky about you going places without notice... he's a liar right now and so he suspects everyone else to be a liar as well... his sorry state makes him very cynical about people and their motives.
If YOU can hole up at a friend's place with your kids, then its HIM that has to chase YOU. He will have to make arrangements with YOU to meet him in your home which would then be a neutral territory.. best chioce there is for you to have a friend do that... This works out really well if you have a friend that needs errands done. You just swap... you get her groceries or dry cleaning and she takes your kids for a visit with your H... its a win win for you and your friend.. the only loser is your Husband...
You are NOT putting your friend out, you do everything you can to make her life easier.. she sort of takes over necessities on your end.. screening your phone calls and such while you take care of whatever business you can for her...
This is a hard arrangement to find, but if you can set this up... its GOLD.
You need to setup a safety zone from him I think.. its a common tactic... and it forces him to pursue you. You just have to make it CRYSTAL clear to him that you WANT your marriage, but the AFFAIR has to END.. once the affair's over.. he can have you and his marriage back.. UNTIL then... talk to the hand.
This is good news.. I just really am liking the safety zone idea... right now HE has a safety zone.. wherever he's staying right now.. he comes and goes as he pleases and you dont' bother him... YOU dont have that...
He's like a stalker right now... He knows where you live, he can run and hide whenever he watns, but you dont' have anywhere to go to get away from him.. see?
Allen A, Thank you so much for all the great advice. I do have a safety zone.
He wanted to start texting each other nice things every day, and we were for a about 2 weeks. What should I do if this week he texts me "Have a good day", should I respond?
Also, on his nights/weekends with the kids he does text me to ask where I am or where I am going. Should I not reply to these?
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
He doens't tell YOU where he's going when he LEAVES does he?
As for his pathetic solution to his marital problems... Texting you he is likely doing secretly and not telling OW... so i am thinking keep that up.. NORMALLY I wouldn't reccomend ANY contact...
Given his behaviour today though.. I would make him sweat for at least a week.. not a single text back to him... let your friend screen all the texts and calls.. BETTER YET.. swap phones...
let HER answer the phone and she can tell him you arne't available to take a call right now
This is a tough one on these texting things... let me think on it. I would hold off on them for at least three days... He was likley getting to enjoy them... so hold them away from him...
I will think on it.. pup may have something to say on them... it IS doing damage to teh affair for him to have a secret contact with you... I am HOPING she FINDS them... What do you think pup?
I would tell him the kids are safe and they will be available for a visit on the agreed on day.. beyond that he has NO SAY in where you are or they are...
NOW the field is EVEN.. you don't know where HE is..and HE does not know where YOU ARE... lets see how he likes that?
It should make him panic and will most likley cause him to fight with OW since you aren't available to poke at...
You see, he will pick a fight with HER if you aren't around to offer one... So I say let her take the abuse instead... Right now she likley does NOT NEED that at ALL
This is Penny's philosophy.. if you aren't around, they have no one to pick on but each other.. and they WILL... So hit that safety zone and don't come out of there.. let your friend screen your phone for you
Make it clear that you want the marriage, but you need to distance yourself from his affair ...
Family members do this with alcholics too.. you walk out on them and tell them you love them... if you leave an alcoholic or any addict with nothing but their addiction they will either rise or hit rock bottom VERY FAST...
When you go to your safety zone he has no one enabling him anymore.. so stay there in my opinion...
