I'm glad you're not a guy cos I know you wouldn't read all this if you were, but please bear with me.
I can't but help feeling you are soooooooo close to getting what this whole DB'ing thing is about, and yet I feel from your last few posts that there's a small piece of the puzzle you're missing and you aren't quite there yet (although you are doing really good I must say).
Bottom line is, bad things happen to good people - deal with it !
R's are hard work, no question, and a lot of times things go wrong and we tend to say to ourselves "How could this happen to me, I didn't do anything wrong" and wallow in the misery.
WAS's don't just wake up one day and say "I'm gone" - there are lots of things over a long time which contribute to the breakdown of a M and R.
I guess most of it boils down to "I'm missing something that I need to make this work". We are all critical of the WAS who gets into an EA/PA and goes elsewhere to have their needs met, and we struggle to come to terms with what's going on in the mind of the MLC'er, but we have to realize that WE are a big part of the problem. Walking away from a long term R certainly is not a decision made in the heat of any particular moment - a big part of it is our fault.
So the harsh reality becomes - the decision is made, the Spouse has walked away to what they see as a better alternative:
We go all thru, well you know what we all do at the start !
Then the actuality should set in. My partner left me because there is something I was/wasn't doing that led them to that choice. It is all different and yet in so many ways it's all the same.
Who knows, maybe there's a forum out there somewhere called "What the F&@k do I have to do to make them let go" where all the WAS's are doing the same as we are here !
DBing isn't about trying to get you S to come back - they don't exist anymore. They are not the person you married and you (especially you Tal) are not the person they left.
I've only been here a few months, same as you, but I think I've got the gist of what goes on here.
DBing to me is about really looking at yourself. Fine your S did this, didn't do that, yeah they have issues, but so do you. You can't change their "stuff" but you can change yours.
You need to do what it takes to be a better you, not so you S will notice and come snivelling back, that's not what you want, or will accept. DBing is about doing the work on the only thing YOU can control.
You should be able to get to the place where you can say, "I don't deserve this. Yeah I did some stuff wrong, and I accept that and am doing something about it".
What you do about it though, and the way you feel about it absolutely CAN'T be about them!!!
You have been left in the position you are in - not fair or just but that's what it is.
You have to make the choice, not the WAS. I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON IN A BETTER PLACE. I really feel that you are doing that Tal, but to get the whole way there you have to fully let go of the outcome. YOU will be a better person no matter what your H decides he wants. THE ONLY THING you have to do is realize that somewhere in your R part of the problem was you, and commit to yourself that you want to improve yourself, for yourself so your next R, with H or someone else is better.
You are a young, smart and beautiful woman. If/When you decide to, you will have guys falling at your feet.
Please, Let go of your H, at the moment he doesn't deserve you. E-Mails, texts, face to face, it doesn't matter - you have to show him that you are over it - and be able to say that truthfully to yourself. It's up to him if he wants to do the work to make your M work and sadly the reality is that's a long shot.
And yes the real world side of the whole letting go thing also mandates that you make sure you are protecting yourself both legally and financially. Sad Fact sweetheart but oh so true.
We know what he will be missing if he doesn't - you've shown us all on the board, but it's not up to you now. If/When he wants to do the work, then it's your turn to see if you are able to forgive and accept.
You owe him nothing except your love, and only you will know if that's still there enough.
Take care.
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
Blown away, Thanks!! I think I'm there. I think the sadness I feel now is for the big picture changes - starting over. Its exciting and scary all at the same time. Its giving up the things that were important to me - like only ever getting married once, like telling my kids that their dad is the only person I've ever made that commitment to, those kinds of things. I don't miss H - not the man he was when he left. I certainly can't stand the man he is now - I never would have given that man the time of day.
I sent the email. Nothing but business - no emotion at all. We will see what the response is. Its time for me to boldly go where I've never gone before and STAND up to him. He's dictated everything to this point and I've let him. I let him because I needed time to deal with my issues and get to a place where I felt strong mentally and emotionally. I live in that place now. I have the tools to deal with everything and I've worked damn hard to get here. I've put alot of time and energy into becoming a FABULOUS me. I feel good about that.
H made his choices and I've made mine. I don't regret mine.
I feel surprisingly good - Liberated almost. I've done what I can and the rest will work itself out - I have faith that the right things will be there for me, when I need them.
Happy Valentines Day everyone. I can't express how much you all and this board mean.
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
I know that we'll never be a whole Family again. I'm sad that my family have lost someone who they loved as their own daughter and that I've lost a family who I loved as my own.
I'm sad about what will happen to the house that W and I hand build together and that my kids may never have a place they can really call Home.
But those are things I can't do much about, so my focus is on rebuilding my life for me and taking charge of the things that I can control.
The great people here have helped me to see that it's not the end of the world even though it seems like it for such a long time.
Life does go on and it will get better I promise.
Take Care & look after yourself T
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
You need to do what it takes to be a better you, not so you S will notice and come snivelling back, that's not what you want, or will accept.
Maybe talia would like to have the option to say 'no' or 'maybe' to him in the event of snivelling.
Self improvement and WAS noticing and rethinking may go hand in hand. I think most people came here to try to salvage their relationships, not just to be better people.
Salvaging a relationship and becoming a better person (whatever that means 'cos it's fairly abstract) go hand in hand as well, you won't get one without the other.
And yes the irony of DBing is that if it does work and the WAS wants to come back, the "power", for want of a better word, really does shift from one person to the other.
Either way the ball is in Tal's court.
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
Well I sent the email yesterday and Got a response this morning...
H basically said if you do any of the things you mentioned - anything outside of what I have layed out in our budget - I will force you to short sell the house. He assumed that I was filing -clearly he's not running out to file himself. Coward.
No anger, no emotion, just a simple response that says "You will do it my way"... I can honestly say, I'm surprised. I expected more of his childish behavior. Huh...
Sent to to the L - we will see what he says about next steps. H gives the impression he still thinks this is a negotiation. Like we will still "work out" the details together. Not happening.
I'll keep everyone posted.
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
