I hear what you're saying, Kerry. It makes sense to a degree, but then only to a degree.
It's become a no-win situation, especially if one has morals, scruples, call-it-what-you-like. The thing I struggle with is that I know that by my faith that I must ask God to help me to forgive those who harm me and my S's, and to seek peace for my S's sake if not my own. Christ asks that we cast out the root of bitterness -- and that is a constant struggle for me now, with every day a new offense being added to her lengthy rap sheet.
But at the same time I am confronted with the insanity that it is I alone who is expected to compromise -- and that leaves a foul taste in my mouth. Conversely, I am also charged with leading my family away from wrongful teachings and worldly values -- such that "not a hoof is to be left behind". Thus finding the right balance is difficult to discern, even if there is one.
I am still musing over these new developments and the conflict I am feeling. If I had to err one way or the other I must err on the side of truth, honor and integrity. That means that even if I wanted to just give up the fight, I am bound not to. I cannot compromise my values, at least not to the extent that peace with xW would demand. And as I have yet to find a middle ground that does not still cause me grief, I must hold the line. I will continue to pray and seek a way, but I will not cross the bounds to which I have committed to God. You see, the very sins that make up my own contribution to the demise of my M and the resulting break-up of my family, stems entirely from my weak-willed yielding to compromise, especially in the latter years of our M. I sacrificed much of my personal values to accommodate a W who only wanted her own way regardless, and I was too blind to see it. It is thus that I slowly became so materialistic and strayed from Godly ways.
So I will now only bend so much but not abrogate my convictions, even if it that will ultimately cost me. I have already paid a dire cost for not sticking by my convictions -- I think it might make more sense if I try the opposite tact from now on.
Will that mean I will end up sacrificing my chance for "happiness"? Well, I guess by most people's standards, perhaps so. I'm not in this for transient, worldly concepts of "happiness". That's not what life is about. If pursuit of such ideals is what is now paramount in everyone's eyes, to exclusion of other ideals, is it any wonder that the world is in such a sad state?
Honestly, yes, like everyone ever born, I too want to realize some happiness in my life, but never at the expense of others. Even so, I would rather learn to know the comfort of peace and joy even in the face of adversity. I am still learning -- I am stumbling and fumbling around as I attempt to learn to find joy, true joy, in life.
Will that be a turn-off to others? I don't doubt it. But then I guess those women who want to believe life is only worth living if you are happy all the time would not really interest me anyway. I spent 18 years with just such a person, who thought my sole reason for existing and for being her H was to make sure she was always happy and satisfied, 24x7. That's too large a burden for any mortal person to take on.
My struggle now is trying to prevent her selfish ways from infecting our S's. She seems to be doing everything she can, within the law, to inculcate our boys into accepting a world of compromised values. That is the pain to which I feel most -- not the A, not the OM, those I can put behind me (comparatively) easily -- it's the attempts to indoctrinate my S's and alienate them from me, their father.
In writing this it just struck me: At the risk of sounding like another geek, it suddenly reminded me of Star Wars, where the Emperor and Darth Vader are trying to turn Luke Skywalker to the Dark Side of the Force. Return of the Jedi. Their objective is to anger Luke by threatening his loved one, his sister Leia, such that his anger turns him to the Dark Side.
Perhaps the Enemy is using xW to threaten my S's moral character, with the ulterior motive of driving me to anger and bitterness, thus neutralizing my ability to carry out my convictions anyway.
Nerdy, yes, but something to ponder. (Hey, I'm the father of two small boys who are unrestrainable, implacable SW fans -- what d'ya expect?)
