Thanks, June. I know a weekend won't do it. I'm hoping the next few weeks will be part of that. I really want to just move out and then I won't have to be here, be reading tons of books, and more. I'm just very hopeful that some semi will hit me, I'll wake up a new man, and be very happy with everything that is her, faults and all. Maybe that semi will happen in Retrou. Maybe while I read. I just don't want to give up looking for some way to find love where it has never been.
Backsliding I expect, but I'm not very good at handling the consequences of the b'slide from her. Today, she was beginning to get into a major R talk, so I had to cut it short. I told her that we need to be acting better, not discussing more and that I committed to stay away from the R talks for now. She seemed to respect that decision (accept mabye not respect).
I thought it was depression for a long time, too. BUT if she won't get help, depression or self-esteem, I will not live in that environement that brings out the worst in me. I used to think that the environment was toxic, now I think it is my behaviour in that environment that is killing me softly. I think she was like this from before we married, but having not known her, I can't be sure. Some days are worse than others. I'm sure I had a hand to play in her worst days - makes me feel really cr**y about myself.
Desperate? Yes. I feel like both choices (D or M) are both wrong. I almost can taste the consequences of both. I still need to make a decision and accept those consequences. (or get hit by a semi...)
