Wife wants best of both worlds

[MHL]

MSH, Thanks for the thoughts. I agree with everything.

Great, if I could just get my W to do this life would be perfect!!! Gotta laugh...it works

However, to be honest, right now I do not care if I look bad (in her eyes). I just need to shut down the R, and give myself as much space as possible.

I think giving yourself space is good, unfortunately the R will always be there b/c of the kids. The R needs to change so that it is healthy for you and the kids moving forward.

I feel like I have put up with enough. She has really shown her true colors and it is someone I do not want to be around, at all! I have not been mean but very distance.

This is the anger talking and it is okay to have that anger and experience it. Make sure the distance you put in place is for you and not retaliatory towards her, if it is you need to go back and deal with the anger. When you are limiting contact she will preceive it as anger undoubtedly and she may inquire. If she asks I think you can tell her calmly how you feel and that she has hurt you and close contact with her causes more pain.

I have to think long term so I do not damage our ability to work together and raise the kids (although she has already disregarded me in this matter) but I also need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and stand up for what I beleive in. What she has done is very wrong and I am not going to pretend anymore like it is not.

Being distant or going dark for you is great for you and if she asks or if you want to tell her why you will be limiting contact that would be great. Telling her or writing a letter will prevent the damage you mention above b/c she will then know why. Your communication would be open, clear and honest. If on the otherhand you are doing this out of anger b/c what she did is "wrong" then you might as well go in with both barrels blasting and let her have it!!! We both know where that would get you and as you said you do not want to damage the ability to work together to raise the kids.

I think you need to find a way to "look in the mirror" and respect yourself for choosing the higher road by not "acting" out of anger. Here comes the "WOOD" sorry; You are still judging her and it sounds like you want to "Let her know" by your actions. Whether she views what she has done as "very wrong" or not is not the matter, she is WRONG, anyone else with half a brain would view it as WRONG, and certainly everyone here knows she is WRONG. By interacting with her you might feel that you are condoning her actions or compromising your principles, and that somehow she has gotten away with something. I think DBing is about dealing with those feelings before we re-engage with our spouses whether we are D or not.