JTB-I believe you are correct on that. Smugness or pride is not good. Coming to terms with reality is, but being kind and not condescending.
The fishing trip was not the chiller I had hoped. Weather really messed up the success, and we came home 2 days early.
I had left my car at a repair facility with a list of items to work on and asked them to start last Monday, so it would for sure be ready. They did not start on it till friday and discovered the clutch was bad, and at 4pm on Friday afternoon there was no clutch to be found in town. This was in Phx, 200 miles away from my house mind you. I got a ride to my folks house where I spent the night.
That evening my W calls to let me know she is also in the Phx area helping our daughter, and I asked her if I could get a ride back up home. She mentioned that she was planning on staying through Monday to get in on some shopping sales and I told her that would be ok with me.
As I knew it would, she changed her mind about staying with me that long and mentioned she'd just go home that Sat, if I still wanted to go, which I replied that would be fine, cuz 200 miles was further then I could walk in one weekend anyway.
We had a pleasent enough drive home, although I was fighting the urge to jump out of the car and hitchike. Despite my determination to not get her anything for valentines day, we stopped halfway home for her to use the restroom, and there were some flowers and other Vday items, so I bought her some. I did NOT want her to think I was upset in any way that she had thrown out an invite to spend 2 days with just her & I and then retracted it (although there was steam coming out my ears) I played it cool, laughing and singing all the way home. Of course I would have jumped at the chance to spend a few days alone, but I could not have her thinking she would not get anything for Vday because we did did not do that. I kept the power and my sanity by not showing any anger during this experience.
She helps me bring things into the house as we arrive home, and then just stands here and asks the dog if they should go home or stay here with me. I told her she was welcome to stay if she wanted, and we moved into the bedroom. Then it hit me-I could not do this anymore. At least not without some groundrules/boundaries.
I let her know that there was nothing more I wanted then- to be intimate with her that evening, but this part time M was not working for her, for me or for us and our M. I wanted it different, and did not want her going to bed with me because she felt it was the payback for withdrawing her former offer, or for the flowers or anything else. I wanted it to be because she wanted to 100%, so there were no regrets from either of us, and most importantly, it was time to move forward in life, for both our sakes. She nodded to a few of the comments, balked at some and started the speech of how she had tried on the last go around, but it just didn't work. I acknowledged she had done alot. I also acknowledged that always going back to past failures in the marriage was perhaps not the best way to judge what needed to be done in the present. I again reiterated that I would like to invite her to work on the M, but it was her choice but the way it is right now is not going to work for us, and it was time to move it forward, rather them being stuck and making no progress in life.
She thought about it for a few minutes, and them said she was going home to get her things, as she was all out of clean clothes, and she'd be back. I knew what that meant, and she never returned.
At least I now feel like my responding to her filing will not be a blindside to her. I calmly and nicely laid out my feelings, and what was not working and let her make her choice, even though she (as usual) did not have the courtesy or strength to tell me to my face what she was going to do. I see that as no integrity or honesty, let alone the open communication she claims she so desperately wants/needs.
I will be responding to her filing, and get clarification from the court on whether they go back to her or where. She filed it as her own attorney. I'm hoping it can be friendly, but I will also let her know she has a month to secure a forwarding address and to move her vehicle and health insurance into her name, along with making provisions to take care of her cell phone and other bills. She mentioned that hopefully March 7 she is switched to full time at her work and gets benefits, including health insurance.
I do have a question for those in the know-Right now our small const biz has almost been nonexistant for the last year, and not very profitable the year before that, although very profitable for the 5 years previous. How do the courts look at this situation where she has worked the last 3 years, and for the last 6 months has made almost as much $ as me, along with not much prospect out there for the const end of things in the forseeable future? I don't see an issue with splitting most of the assets 50/50, but I also have our 27 yr old son who with his mental illness may never be able to hold down a job, and I will have to continue to take care of him? Just curious on what I am in for there?
Although this experience was a continued part of the train wreck of our M, it was neither suprising, or a complete melt down for me. In fact it continued to give clarity on what must be done. Thanks all!
No 10lb bass, but several a little over 5lbs. Hey-it wasn't all bad.
