I just said I couldn’t do this anymore, and that I needed commitment from him or he needed to end it. He replied with telling me he knows that I’m done, and he doesn’t understand why I’m holding on. I told him my goal was to save our M. He said that he didn’t see how we could ever come back from this.
MB,
First of all, it takes two to have a convo. You can't be "trapped" into a relationship conversation, if you are not willing to and you stick to your guns. "NO R CONVOS!" is a basic tenet of DBing, and they are, for the most part, totally CHEESELESS TUNNELS, as you are learning.
Secondly, you are sending your husband grossly mixed messages. "I am done!" doesn't jibe with "I needed commitment from him or he needed to end it" and "I told him my goal was to save our marriage."
You have GOT to allow your husband to remain "in the crucible" (Snarch). You had him there, and had you remained dark for 72 hours, as was recommended, you might have forced him into the crisis that's going to be necessary for him to make the tough decision. When you allow him to bait you into R convos, and then communicate in those convos that you are, indeed, NOT done, you set yourself back and allow him to wriggle off the hook, putting it back on you.
H: "I don't understand why you're holding on,"
needs to be met with
W: "I agree. I'm done. This is your mess, and you need to clean it up."
