I keep pondering this "talk" thing... it's interesting... Most spouses don't try this trick.. this is a new one...
My first instincts say its just damage control efforts on his part... But maybe there's more to it...
I think he MAY want an answer to his dilemna of who to choose. I think maybe he thinks "talking" with you will get him that answer.
Of course, we all know this dilemna is only in his head. The choices are obvious here - man up, or run away like an infant and hide...
I am thinking if he does try a "let's talk" I would take a firm stand at this point.
"Are you ready to start acting like a father and a husband and work on your marriage, or are you committed to destroying this home along with her? I've made my choice... YOU need to make one... And soon."
I think some position like above would be good to take. It is daring, but under the circumstances it may just be the best bullet to put in the chamber on this affair right now.
Thank you everyone. Allen, that is almost word for word what I was pondering in my head. I wanted to post some of the texts that he sent me, most of which I didn't respond:
H: I'm pissed today cuz of the letter. We where starting to work things out and now u pull this. Then u sent her dad a letter
Me: WT#$^# are you talking about? - then I tried to call him with no answer
H:We stopped talking and then today she tells me her dad got a letter saying we r having an affair. It also said HIS MOMS NAME. So u sent my mom one.
I tried to call again, and still no answer
H: Don't call me! I'm done.
Me: I don't know what your talking about. I'm sick of being blamed for stuff I didn't do, I'm done.
H:Who else wood do that
Me: I don't know, and I don't care. This is your mess and I'm not taking the blame. Don't text me anymore.
This is when he called me, and I answered. I yelled and told him to leave me alone and that I wanted no part of his drama anymore. Towards the end of the conversation is when he told me he believed me, and was sorry. I said I don't care and hung up.
H: I'm sorry - no reply
H: Can I come talk to u Me: NO
H:I'm sorry. forgive me I over reacted - no reply
H: We where on our way to working it out and this time I messed up - no reply
H: So does this mean ur done with me Me: I need time alone right now. I'm sick of being treated like #$%^^
H: I understand I messed up. Let me know when u want to talk.
This is pretty much where it is right now.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Never apologize for exposing the affair, direct or indirect. That is shifting the blame. I know you realize this. Just wanted to reinforce this thought.
This is his burden to carry. His questions to answer.
Now stay silent.
Let him start to answer his questions alone.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Wow... you responded to every line perfectly... you do very much seem to have this technique down to instinct... which is good...
Particularly in stressful situations it's great to see this come out instead of something less constructive.
I hope you can see the patterns in his replies.... and some interesting info on where his head is at...
The line about him being the one to screw up "this time" was intersting... he's not taking any blame for his affair or even acknoledging it yet... and does indeed feel you are to blame for all the fights and conflict up to now.
I am going to give you one more line you can try with him if the opportunity warrants it. I don't reccomend talking to him or pursuing him in ANY way right now, but if he's in your face you can try this :
"I am willing to be accountable for the mistakes I have made in our marriage and damage I may have done. But there were TWO of us in that home and YOU are having an affair -- THAT damage to me and your children is ALL YOURS..."
Given that he's blaming you, I think it may be constructive to push back a BIT and set the record straight. The thing is, BLAME is much like infidelity in that if you point the finger, your partner is likley to follow an do the same.
We aren't finger pointing here... we are pressing him to take accountability for his choices and STOP doing damage.
Finger pointing seems to be a habit of his if I don't miss my guess here... And this nonsense about you being "too controlling" I don't doubt you have to handle your approach differently when you are back together, but that accusation needs to go as well... There are too many things wrong with that accusation to even type out in this thread...
I think it may be helpful if we can get him to get OUT of blame world and to man-up to his destructive behaviour he's doing NOW. Phil McGraw says in his book "Relationship Rescue" that one of the most important parts of making a marriage work is being your own worst critic -- Before you complain about your partner ask yourself instead what you can improve.
This is very similar to
Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country...
You just have to flip it :
Ask not what your spouse can do for you, but what YOU can do for your spouse.
THIS is the mindset we need to get him to shift into... this is not an overnight movement... he's still in the OLD mindset.. obviously
H came over last night about 11:30. I told him I didn’t want to talk right now. He trapped me into a fight. Saying we were doing good, but that every weekend there is some type of drama and he can’t handle it anymore. I told him that this was his drama not mine, and he had no right to put this one on me.
He acted very different from the “I’m sorry” texts, now it was as if he was blaming me all over again. I just said I couldn’t do this anymore, and that I needed commitment from him or he needed to end it. He replied with telling me he knows that I’m done, and he doesn’t understand why I’m holding on. I told him my goal was to save our M. He said that he didn’t see how we could ever come back from this.
I’m so mad that he came over and trapped me into a fight. In addition, what’s with the “I’m sorry” texts and the blaming me again when he gets here? The conversation didn’t last long, and I didn’t say much, then finally I said he needed to leave I was going to bed.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
H just called, I shouldn't have answered. Tells me we need to just file and get a D, he can't do this anymore. I just told him to do whatever he felt like he needed to do. Happy freaking Valentine to me )-:
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I was afraid of that... sorry mb28... he's looking for HELP from you but his emotions are spiking like a child so all you get is a tantrum...
Pay no mind to what he's saying... he's likely having a lot of fights with OW right now and he needs a punching bag... You didn't accept the blame which is a good thing.
I will warn you again though.. your impulses ARE at a vulnerable point right now so its NOT a good idea for you to interact with him... he can easily pull you into his drama...
DO NOT ENGAGE him.. if he has a key, change the locks... if you can't do that then LEAVE
IGNORE what he had to say, its just emotional outburst...
He's dealing with drama on his end now with the exposure on the OW's side...
His moods are spiking, this is not a surprise at all.. he will be apologetic again soon
You handled it as best you could.
Emotionally he is a FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD right now becuase his affair has taken over his judgement. My guess is when your children are acting out you don't fight with them you sit back and wait til the spike settles down - cool as a cucumber... you need to do the same with OM....
This affair is taking a lot of damage right now by the sounds of it, so you are having some impact.
The one thing I will warn you about is that when he comes to look for a fight... and you give him one... he will take that RIGHT BACK TO OW... and she will coddle him and reassure him that his leaving is for the best.
The best you can do when he comes looking for a fight is to leave, unless you think you can steel yourself from giving him one... Look at the fight as a GIFT for the OW... he comes to you for the gift, and he will hand that to her... but ONLY if you give that to him.
Your choice how you avoid that cycle... my advice is for you to just NOT be available.
When you fight, it does damage to your marriage... when you communicate you do damage to the affair.
I'm sorry.....oh how this reminds me of something I have lived before....because I have! Same behaivor, same words, same actions, same. It sucks. I'm sorry. Hold strong and true to yourself!
I am thinking mb28 that you may want to pack some things.
Make sure he knows you do NOT WANT a divorce, but that you can't be around him or this messy affair any longer. Tell him he's hurting you and his children and you need to take you and his children further away for their own good until he makes a commitment to clean things up.
This is something I did in my home and it worked really well... I made sure she knew I didn't want out, but that i couldn't be around her anymore... so I brought home a stack of boxes and started putting things away...
She was all over it trying to talk me into a fight and panickign..i Just kept packing...
You really need to distance yourself now I think... there's a storm happening on the OW's end very likley... and he is going to take it out on you...
Don't be there for the fallout.
Has he accused you of exposing his affair again?
if he does I would give him this :
"I have not exposed the hurt the two of you are inflicting on innocent people. If her husband were in front of me now I wouldn't hesitate to tell him the truth that he has a right to know. You are attacking someone's home <insert your H's name here>. I haven't had the time to expose this sleazy thing but I would not hestitate to do so. You sleep with another man's wife and you have whatever's coming to you <insert your H's name here>..."
"This affair is coming to a head soon and I don't want to be around when all that hits the fan... YOU own that so YOU are gonna have to deal with it... please leave me alone now"
