Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

Happy Valentine's Day. I'm back from the ball. It was OK. I spent a lot of it talking to this nice old couple at our table. The man's dad worked in the newspaper business back in the 40s, 50s and 60s so he was telling me stories and asking how it is today.

After the ball broke up, my and the Realtor friend I met there -- no potential, just friends so we didn't have to sit alone -- went to the bar at the restaurant.

There were these two ladies sitting at a table and two empty seats. It was crowded so she asked if we could sit with them.

Eventually I asked their names and we started talking and it was a lot of fun. I started talking a lot to one of them. She has a 7-year-old as well and she's on her second divorce. So we traded war stories and it was really a lot of fun.

So at least for this day I'll be OK. Before jumping on here, I sent W an email. Just a quick note apologizing for blowing up at her on Wednesday and swearing. I promised to try to remain civil.

No Happy Valentine's Day or Love ... I remember it's now the 15th anniversary of the day I asked her to marry me. She'll remember ... someday.

[ClingingToHope]

Need input, mostly from the now single ladies. I would be interested in asking out one of the two ladies I met last night.

She's in the divorce process as well. So we're both still married. I got her last name last night, but didn't ask for a phone number (too timid although I convinced myself it'd be too forward). But I know where she works so I could find it on my own.

Do I just call her and ask her out? Or do I send her a note saying I'd like to ask her out when I'm a little farther along in the divorce process? Or, I found her on FB, do I send her a friend request with a note it was great to meet her? And then build things from there.

I've been out of the dating game fifteen years so I need opinions.

[mishka422]

Heavens buddy! I don't know. I've been out of the dating pool for over 20 years so I'm much more out of practice!

IMO, sending her a friend request on FB with a simple note that it was great to meet her would probably be a good start. It's not too forward, it allows time to build things in a non-threatening manner. Everyone has a FB page and it's common to search for people we meet in RL there to build connections and bolster our friend list.

Question though.....why are you in such a gosh awful rush to date? You are going through one of the most difficult periods of your life right now. Is that really the best time to build a possible emotional attachment to someone else who could end up hurt in the crossfire of the battle of the D?

[Gardener]

CTH,
You mentioned/asked this over at my home and I answered it. Thought I'ddrag it on over to your place:

cth,

ClingingToHope
So what are modern rules on something like this. We're both still married so I don't think it's appropriate to just call her up and ask her out. She is on FaceBook -- I got her last name before she left. I was considering just sending her a friend invite and saying it was great to meet her.

As you may know, after my premature "crash and burn episode,"my current philosophy/approach is now two-fold:

It was recommended (I forget where) to go through one year alone. One cycle:1 Christmas, 1 New Years, 1 Valentines' Day, 1 Thanksgiving, etc.

I plan on doing this.

Healing time: Who IS Gardener? - alone?

And I've got a lot of 180ing and GALing, self-improvement yet to do.

The "Modern Rules?"
What are ClingingToHope's (hopefully well-thought-out) rules?

I plan on just discovering writing, and living my life for the most part and "seeing who shows up".** I want NO exclusive relationships (the occasional casual, sure) , but right now, I admit to a strong need and desire for female company and conversation. That's all. (well, not really, ALL ), but the the other has been absent for so long, I can wait a bit longer until it's right and replete with affection, nurturing, concern, etc., and not just a physical/mindless/soul-less act.

But, hey, that's just me.

** In your case, she showed up. Nothing wrong with talking, learning. Being interested. Just Don't Pursue!

What do you want from her? From you? From you with her?

Why - really why - do you not want to let this pleasant, positive, casual encounter with this not-the-only-woman-in-the-world just be? Something nice that happened to CTH. Period. Why have to build on it?
Do it again. Somewhere else. Somewhere WAY outside your comfort zone!

What's the more? here, for ClingingToHope? What's the need? Why the her? (Because she showed interest in ClingingToHope? (self-esteem)?

Just askin'. So you'll ask.

Ask your questions. Then answer them. Answers will come. Act on them.

As always, more-than-you-needed-or-wanted-to-know,
_________________________

[ClingingToHope]

All good questions Gardener.

One thing I've struggled with a lot since July when I moved into my apartment (I spent the first couple of months living with a friend) is that this is the first time in my life I've lived alone. And I'm still not totally. I have the girls over for at least 45 minutes 10 days out of every two-week and five overnights every two weeks.

Another thing I'm struggling with is the rejection factor. When I had my epiphany last March that I hadn't been loving unconditionally and I realized the little ways I held W at arm's lenth, I felt like I fell in love with her all over again.

We had a great talk in March and for three weeks it was if things were back to normal and we were looking forward to the future again. And then the littlest thing closed her heart again and ever since, the rejection factor is just sooo painful.

So yes, Gardener, there's lots of reasons to just let last night go. But I also ask myself if I'm letting life go by as well.

[ClingingToHope]

Now I'm going to get sentimental. This is the 15th anniversary of me asking W to marry me. This is what I would have put on her valentine.

"Dear W, 15 years ago as we drove to the restaurant I was a nervous wreck. I had a ring in my pocket that I never thought I'd put on your finger. I can't remember what we ate or what was said or how we got around to it, but I'll always remember sliding from my seat to sit next to you, leaning forward and asking you to marry me. I still can't believe I was lucky enough that you said yes.

Although I haven't always shown it, W, I've always been honored to have you as my wife. And I always want you to be my valentine."

Who knows, perhaps I'll get to write this at the 20th anniversary of Feb. 14, 1995, or the 25th. I hope to say it someday. Just not today.

[awest1217]

CTH,

About the dating, one word of warning and did learn from DB is make sure you take some time to work on you, like Gardener said, because otherwise you will repeat and be here all over again with someone else. Also if this woman is on her 2nd divorce, shouldn't that raise red flags that you could be the third. Not saying you want anything long term with her, but why even start something with a woman probably needs some time to work on herself too.

Give it some time. Give yourself some time to grieve. This is a loss. GAL, but you will need time to grieve a loss. Take that time and take some time like Gardener said to learn who you are and what you want.

[ClingingToHope]

Girls are off school today but both W and I had to work so our afterschool sitter watched them for the day. That let me go pick them up for lunch. That was fun. When I got back I'd missed a call from W.

The longer this has gone on the more frustrated I've gotten with W about phone calls. She calls me on her lunch or break to talk about stuff with the girls, the house or the D process that does not have to be handled at that time. When the calls are over, especially the D ones, it takes me a while to get over it.

I tell her to send me an email and she says "she may not get to it."

I'm not returning her call. I just saw the girls so obviously there's nothing pressing. I don't have to pick them up or take them anywhere.

I sent her three emails. One was about summer camps. Another was about the taxes and the third said not to call me at work unless it is something about the girls and has to be taken care of that day. Otherwise, send me an email. I check email all the time.

I'm guessing her attorney or her clubhouse lawyers at her job are telling her not to deal by email. Well, I'm not going to deal with her through the phone where she can conveniently deny things later.

[Drew]

Good job. Stick to your guns.

[ClingingToHope]

Will give W credit for today's call. I need to pick up D7 from Girl Scouts at 5:40 p.m. because D10 has a doctor's appointment.

Of course, I have to be somewhere at 6 p.m. and D7 will come with and W will have to pick her up from there.