When do you request your spouse end an EA?

[newmama]

If I put my foot down, H will most likely choose us. This is going to sound extremely stupid but I hesitate to do it because I don't want to hurt him. What is wrong with me.

1. DANI, if you are so confident he will choose you if you put your foot down, then WHAT IN THE WORLD are you waiting for???????????

2. About you not wanting to hurt him...gently speaking here...THAT CONCERN is what you should talk to your IC about! My gut impression is that it is actually a fear of rejection...you hurt him, he gets mad at you and leaves you.

PLEASE think of the other spouses on here who do not know if their H would choose them vs. divorce and count your blessings--do the right thing, my dear!!!!

[Dani88]

Hi newmama,

Yep,I am not sure what is wrong with me but one thing is for sure is that I am totally done with this. If he wants his family, she leaves. I will not tolerate this anymore.

Thank you everyone for your input. I have also met with our couples counselor and spoke with a DB coach last night. Everyone is of the same opinion that "you are letting this happen" "why are you letting this happen" "why are you letting him have his cake and eat it too etc.".

I wish it were fear of rejection, that would be easier to understand but it never has been. I really think I want to protect him, protect him from anymore pain after all of this. Sounds dumb really, but that is much more likely. I am just fine on my own actually and enjoy being by myself a lot. Always have.

I am done. I am currently fuming as he has not called me yet and I have no idea when to expect my son home.

This stinks but again I appreciated the situation pushing me even further. I am pleased to be at this point as I feel very strong.

I will keep you all updated as this unfolds. I am done being walked on while another woman "plays house" while we "work on our marriage".

Again, thank you.

[Dani88]

Allen,

Thank you very much. I agree.

It has taken me a while to get here, but I agree. I am done protecting him and her and trying to salvage their reputations when people come and talk to me. I feel very stupid about this, but then again I guess it is some of those personality traits of mine that has earned me what feels like a legion of friends and supporters.

I am so not used to letting people walk on me, why have I allowed it with him? And I always have? And I know he doesn't respect me when I do (who would!)As far as the reading I have done though this seems to be somewhat normal for women, they do everything they can to cater to their spouses in their 20's and then realize in their 30's they have needs too and start standing their ground.

He does not see how this thing has hurt him but I think it has been seeping in over the last weeks - like he now knows from a mutual friend that H lost his best friend because of this situation.

And if he chooses her he deserves her. I would not want to be her and will never be like her. Granted while I was sick and prior our marriage was full of resentment due to stress and utter neglect, her bubbly fun personality was very attractive, but I have that now and substance so...whatever! Oy!

I look at this situation now like when I took the "binky" away from my son. You outlined that very well in your trantrum example.

Again, thank you everyone.

[Dani88]

stuck808,


...amidst all this other stuff the flowers are on the table.



Thanks!

[Dani88]

Hi newmama,

To answer your question how things are better.

1. he realizes that he needs to dedicate time to me and our relationship. He does not miss our date night and if he is ill reschedules for the following day so as not to miss the time with me.

2. he listens, and has empathy now.

Again,this sounds stupid in the face of what I am dealing with now but he has shown a lot of growth through this process including buying and reading books, attending counseling, apologizing, admitting faults, forgiving me my faults etc.

Reality is that yes, he has an EA or whatever it is, and yes, he has grown and dedicated a lot of work to saving his marriage. He's a better person now. It's both.

[Allen A]

OK Dani, I don't want to burst your bubble here, but when MEN are having PA's then can get NICE to their spouses... at least in some cases... its not because they have grown up, its simply because they feel GUILTY.

I am worried you MAY be confusing GUILT with maturity. There's a huge difference between being attentive because you are secretly hurting someone, and actually manning-up to NOT hurt your spouse at all.

If he's still in contact with her after you take a full stand on NC then he's just been feeling guilty.... I hope its true growth, but I suspect it's merely guilt.

[Kelly23]

Dani honey, I say this with the utmost respect and concern for your situation. You sound like you are codependent in this relationship.
You said "H has also done many many other things for which I am grateful from car help to childcare etc. being there to talk and for time immediatly at my request." He is not helping with chidlcare. It is his son. It is a requirement. And I bet if you called him in the middle of the night when he was with OW, he would not jump in the car and run to your home becuase it would make her angry.
Of course he is not going to miss your date night, that keeps you from standing up to him and telling him it is either you or her. Cheating men would love to be able to sleep with their mistresses during the week and run home to the W for a date night when he wants. If he is nice to you, you are going to allow him to keep disregarding your marriage vows and cheat.

Not trying to be too blunt, but what does your son call the OW? Does he tell people that she is a friend, a girlfriend? What do you think H's actions are teaching your son?

[Allen A]

Ya, this date night thing just validates an OPEN MARRIAGE... from his perspective at least..

When he' cheats on you right in the open like this and you maintain date nights.... you are just telling him its ok if he isnt' monogamous...

DATE NIGHT needs to be OFF the table until she's GONE.

[Dani88]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for kicking my ass. He has been sending both messages ones of "open marriage" because we are separated and also "plans for the future". Confused, Scared, Cake and eat it too - All of the above!!

The open marriage being seeing if he *wants* to be with yet still and plans for the future. I mean what the hell.

Well anyway, I have enough information all around.

Will keep you posted. This should get interesting fast.

As far as codependent goes I have no idea. I've coddled him for sure. I mean this has been an issue for a long time but I have kept my mouth shut ala DB in order to get him in my court a bit. - Again, if my goal is saving my marriage which it is. It is only in the past couple of weeks that I have seen the cracks forming in their relationship. Maybe that is why my brain is giving me the go ahead - in addition to the fact that there is no way in hell I am going to invest any more emotionally in him while he sees another woman.

Anyway, its nice to be healthy. Believe me, this stuff all sucks but it is a cakewalk compared to what I've already been through. I like being on this side of the dirt and being able to see my son grow up God willing.

Many thanks to all.

[Dani88]

Kelly,

Thank you. Something really got to me in your post. Might explain later. I don't feel that I can put it in print but thank you.