Wow... you responded to every line perfectly... you do very much seem to have this technique down to instinct... which is good...
Particularly in stressful situations it's great to see this come out instead of something less constructive.
I hope you can see the patterns in his replies.... and some interesting info on where his head is at...
The line about him being the one to screw up "this time" was intersting... he's not taking any blame for his affair or even acknoledging it yet... and does indeed feel you are to blame for all the fights and conflict up to now.
I am going to give you one more line you can try with him if the opportunity warrants it. I don't reccomend talking to him or pursuing him in ANY way right now, but if he's in your face you can try this :
"I am willing to be accountable for the mistakes I have made in our marriage and damage I may have done. But there were TWO of us in that home and YOU are having an affair -- THAT damage to me and your children is ALL YOURS..."
Given that he's blaming you, I think it may be constructive to push back a BIT and set the record straight. The thing is, BLAME is much like infidelity in that if you point the finger, your partner is likley to follow an do the same.
We aren't finger pointing here... we are pressing him to take accountability for his choices and STOP doing damage.
Finger pointing seems to be a habit of his if I don't miss my guess here... And this nonsense about you being "too controlling" I don't doubt you have to handle your approach differently when you are back together, but that accusation needs to go as well... There are too many things wrong with that accusation to even type out in this thread...
I think it may be helpful if we can get him to get OUT of blame world and to man-up to his destructive behaviour he's doing NOW. Phil McGraw says in his book "Relationship Rescue" that one of the most important parts of making a marriage work is being your own worst critic -- Before you complain about your partner ask yourself instead what you can improve.
This is very similar to
Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country...
You just have to flip it :
Ask not what your spouse can do for you, but what YOU can do for your spouse.
THIS is the mindset we need to get him to shift into... this is not an overnight movement... he's still in the OLD mindset.. obviously
