Husband in Crisis - what do I do?

[DestinyUnknown]

Thank you OP and TF for your words of support. Honestly, I wish there was somthing I could do or say that will give him something to consider or at least consider other perspectives. So I decided to write down my frustration as it relates to our R. Broader information provided below on my situation. Other perspectives, please?

Anatomy of R Breakdown:

1) H and Current W met sometime after divorce of H's first W
2) H still seemed to harbor resentment at first W because he felt she treated him badly
3) Current W (me) took this as a sign and told then Boyfriend H that we should not be together and not to call because he was still having issues with his first divorce.
4) After a few weeks, Boyfriend H called to ask me out on another 1st date and it turned out great
5) W career and H relationship was strong (now looking back, was it?), interactions with friends and family were good, and careers were going great
6) H proposes marriage to W on her birthday after 4 1/2 years of dating and 1 year later they marry
7) After 3 years of marriage, W begins to succumb to the stress of work with more responsibility and demands - spends more hours at work than home. H takes notice that W seems angry about everything when she arrives home each night. During this time, H takes a new job in another career field after working in previous company for 18 years.
8) H suggests to wife to find another job because I seemed unhappy. W gets a new job, was happy about it but was still stressed. W continues to commiserate at home.
9) H's career change was apparently not all that great and was told he was at the bottom of list for performance. H is shaken and believes that boss and others are sabotaging his progress.
10) Within a week of that disclosure, I notice H withdrawing from any conversation with my and announce that he is unhappy and was thinking that we should separate
11) Wife tries to convince H that he is wrong to do this and that things will change. After a week, H acquiesces and says to wife OK
12) H get additional feedback from job that he needs to show others that he committed to the company. People need to see him outside of work at events, know that he is committed.
13) H then begins blaming W for his failures at work and a drastic change in personality occurs
14) H pays over $3000K to get Alase surgery without informing W first to remove all the hairs from his chest. Says he did want me to talk him out of it. He also begins a speedy race to lose weight (which he did lose 20 lbs)
15) H decides he wants to be a golfer because that what other employees are doing to bond and show that they are committed to outside work activities
16) He gets teeth whitening and shops at “teen” retailers to look young. It looks as if he is trying to make himself more appealing to others to be a success at work, but not in our marriage.
17) H spends almost a $1000K on golf lessons after he golfed a miserable game with other employees from where he works. Believes he embarrassed himself.
18) W supports the golf and gets lessons herself and traveled with H to driving range every weekend.
19) H begins to spend more and more time after work with co-workers at Happy Hour. I know that one co-worker, he spent more time with and this was the woman that he is involved with – this OW is probably contributing to my H’s apparent “Confusion”.
20) H Gains weight back, continues to have performance issues at work and we are struggling with relationship at home
21) Who does he decide is the problem – ME! Not the career field that is not working out for him. I even suggested that he go back to his previous career since that made him so happy (and he agrees that he was happy). But he doesn’t want to give up, because that would mean he failed. So what? And I don’t see it that way.
22) H has been gone almost 2 months and I am reeling with frustration! He doesn’t even seem to want to face that HE also has issues. And how can he take such focused action to improve his performance at work while ignoring the relationship and placing it as the blame for any that fails in his life?

- Again, thank you to everyone here that understands. It is V-Day (not really important), but the BS has got to stop. I know I just have to be patient and validate his thoughts (when appropriate). I love him and makes me miserable to think that in all of these years together, there is little thought to what really matters and has been great in our relationship.

Happy Valentine’s Day to All! (((hugs)))