You tried the male dominant approach and got nowhere. But today is a new day.
Let's just say you did give her flowers. What will she do? Put them in water....say thank you.....tell her friend "He gave me flowers."
Let's say you don't get her flowers, V-Day comes and you say, "I forgot, or "You don't deserve it" , or what were you planning to say? And then she does what? Tells you "You never give me flowers", tells her friends, "He never gives me flowers, he told me I don't deserve it." "He's a ___________!"
Ok. 3 weeks ago I did buy flowers out of the blue. She didn't even take them out of the wrapping. Robs. Do you suggest the hard ass aproach is not good or soften it a bit
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
No flowers, just bought a generic card from the kids to her.. No mushy stuff at all..
As for the EA, the other night she told me there is absolutely nothing going on... I actually believe her, but I did tell her that I beleive their was about 1 year ago. I also told her that although she may not think there is anything going on that OM is still pursuing her. She had nothing to say. I also remember learning here that we shoul donly beleive 50% of what thye say..
A part of me wants to contact OM and tell him that if he looks or talks or continues with the persuit of my W, that I would contact his wife and employer about it.. Furthur more if he mentions to her that I contacted him directly,I will still blow the wistle on him. I will find out either way.. The reason of contacting the employer is becasue he is a manager. Not her direct manager but a manager. I know that when I was in the corporate world this was frowned upon.. Not very professional.
Strange thing this morning.. Last 2 nights she has not slept in our bed. I didnt wish her good morning, just got up and got busy.. Tried to keep my mind on other things and look happy. This morning as I was washing couple of plates left from last night, W came down, did some small talk about our S14 hockey practice this am. As I was washing away she made her way to me and kissed me good morning.. I will not pretend that it didnt hurt when she did that. After everything.. Wow.. I am going on in my mind that my marriage is over and expect the worst. Its the only way in my mind that I can DB/ dark I guess. As I mentioned before, I do want my M to work, and want her in my life forever!..
Somehow I have to continue to be strong and focus on me and the kids for now.. Detaching is the key, I know this. Also, no more R talk.. Thanks for listening.. Old Pilot, ROBX, Gardner,cutter.. Your support has been awesome, and like all of us here just trying to learn. Must learn to crawl again before I can walk then run.. Baby steps......
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
I would love to have Sandi chim in..Get a womens percpective as to the way my W is responding.
I am more confused then ever. Friday night, I busted everything wide open.. Basically told her its not me who wants this that it is her. Saturday was a blurr.. Not much communication but civil towards each other. Sunday, Valentines day. She came said good morning with a gentle kiss on the cheek. Not much more communication after that untill dinner. We were busy with both boys and hockey all day. While preparing dinner, we spoke about our situation. Was tough. She told me that she went out to see a couple places. Got a bit emmotional at times for both. I told her that I am very sad about the sitch and that if it were any other time I would just go there and hug her. Well, I broke.. I did and there was no rejection. Wasnt the warmest hug but I even got a kiss on the cheek.. Of course after that she still believes its for the better that we go our separate ways.. WTF... I am pretty confident that the EA is not going on.. She flat out told me that if I wanted to contact him by all means go ahead.. I was taken back by that. DIdnt know what to answer. I am condused because what do I do... really.. Signals are everywhere but the answer shekeeps telling me is she wants to be alone..
HELP
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Lotus, I tried to find your thread but do not see one. The posts I have read from you sound like you were the LBS. If you could give me the post that tells your story, I would like to read it.
Thanks, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I would love to have Sandi chim in..Get a womens percpective as to the way my W is responding.
She is responding like a typical WAW. I do believe she is having an EA with the OM. Perhaps she has tried to keep it somewhat "controlled" to the point that she doesn't even recognized it as an EA....but it is. He is doing something that you failed to do. He makes her feel very valuable! That is the best ego food she would possibly get and she wants it to continue bad enough to leave you and get more of it. That is what all the "I want to be alone" is about. Yeah, she wants to be alone.....so that you won't be in her way whenever she plays. OTOH, this may be the first time in a long time that she has your full attention! She probably feels that is quite ironic.
Don't read anything into the hugs, or kisses on the cheek, b/c they are more of a "pity" hug & kiss. You are seeing that you've lost her.....and she knows that you are finally seeing it after all this time. She sees that you are hurting, but she hurt all those times that you did not take up for her and didn't spend time with her or make her feel important--and most of all that she wasn't top priority in your life. She still feels some sadness to see the end of the M, but she is too fogged out in a fantasy of being single. It is the EA that is giving her the energy, and you haven't found a source of energy so you are left drained.
Now this is what I think about when I read how LBH's are so short with patience and want everything fixed in a short time......what if she had walked out or threaten D the first time you had not come to her defense or one of the other complaints she had about you? It took her years of being rejected by you, and yet how long have you been able to hang in here when "you" were the one rejected? This is not to beat you up but to point out to you that if you feel she really is valuable enough, then you won't be so fast to give up on her.
So anyway, you've made the D speech and she still says she wants to be left alone. I think the best thing to do is to not mention a D anymore and try to show that you have given her the space she wants.....and leave her alone. In the meantime, you make changes on yourself. Do you feel that you really have made changes? I kind of doubt that your W believes they are life long changes b/c there hasn't been enough time. Give this some time aNd see if she brings up the subject of D or if she really does put forth any effort to look for a place of her own. Your best hope is that you can buy some more time to work at becoming attractive to her again, and that she will give the OM up. BTW, is the OM M?
You really have to get a grip on your emotions b/c you don't want it triggered again and threaten to leave or to make her leave. That is what got you to this particular spot, okay?
BTW, I don't think a person can go "dark" living under the same roof with their S. That is for the LBS who lives away and does not see or contact the WAS. However, you can can detach....while being friend-ly (if you know what I mean).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
