I have posted a little about my sitch on this forum a few days ago. My H and I have been living in separate houses an hour a way for 1 month today. First week we were getting a D, second we were working on M, now we don't talk about anything but he calls me a lot and tries to have things be okay without having the relationship, we don't spend time together, etc. It's more an emotional thing, like he just needs to know I am still here. He doesn't want me in his life, but doesn't want me out of it. Though he has agreed to counseling, he has agreed that spending time together is important....here I sit waiting for what 1 month later?
My H says or has said: I love you and care about you, that was never the problem. I am uncertain and have doubt and I don't know why. I think we are on two different levels I can't tell you something that is going to make you feel better. and I know that's what you want to hear. I can't tell you it will be fine when I don't know that. So far has not admitted to an affair. Has denied it.
He is going to call me to clarify "where we are". He says we are on different levels in this and is going to tell me what he thinks fixing our marriage means, but he also doesn't knwo what that means to me, he just knows that I am here and he needs to catch up.
My dilemma is, I don't know what to say to him. I know where I am and I want him to know that I am willing to work on this, however as I stated above I truly do not believe he is going to find what he is missing if he so certain of where I am, or if I keep being his friend, etc. So what do I do? How do I do a 180 and still let him know I am willing to try? Or do I say I am going to limit contact with you because I can't build a foundation with you that you don't even know you want to build. That's what's so confusing about this, how do I say what I need without being needy?
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
My sitch was very similar, H originally went for a couple of weeks to his brothers to see what he wanted to do, then he got his own flat without saying anything, nothing I said or did would change that.. In the mean time I found the DB site and read DR, that changed things completely round for me, during the two weeks I had gone completely NC as thats what we had agreed, after that H would visit for an alloted amount of time every saturday. I didnt discuss our R when he was around, but if the subject came up all I would say is "you know I want to work on our marriage" By the third saturday I had something booked and although he came up to get stuff I didnt see him and then went as little contact as I possibly could for a whole month, if he phoned he got very little information out of me, just that I was ok.. I got on GAL got a job and just let him be, you cant make decisions for them if they are going to come back they have to decide that for themselves, at the moment you are allowing him to cake eat, he wants his freedom but he wants you on standby.. Time to be busy and getting on with things for you!
Last edited by Lost Rabbit; 02/14/1010:07 AM.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
HC, I agree with the advice you have received. A few of points.
First, if you have made your position clear to him (working on the M), leave it alone. He knows what you want.
Second,
Quote:
I can't tell you something that is going to make you feel better. and I know that's what you want to hear.
"H, you don't know what I am thinking. So, please don't tell me what I'm thinking. If you want to know, just ask. But don't try to read my mind"
Third,
Quote:
My dilemma is, I don't know what to say to him.
If you have made your desire to work on the M clear, I don't know that there is anything for you to say at this point. Just validate his feelings. "I understand." "I see how you would feel that way."
You can't make him want to work on the M. He has to choose to do that. And the less pressure from you, the better. He knows what the right answer is. He just wants to rationalize that his wrong decision is alright. Let him own that internal conflict.
Thank you! I feel a bit stronger after reading your replies.
What is working on the M? Does it mean pulling out all the stops? Going to counseling? Spending time together? I feel like I should say I won't settle for less than this. I am trying to stay focused and am a little angry that he would make me an option.
I am so glad I have this site!
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Ok, in your mind working on the M means pulling out all the stops, going to C, spending time. Like GIMA said, you have already told him you want to work on the M. You made your position clear and pushing any further detail on him at this point would be a pursuing behavior. He's running scared.....let him run until he jerks his choke collar! He will have to see that no matter how far he runs, he won't be able to get away from the real problem.....himself.
The comments he has made to you sounds like he has some depression. He is going to have to explore that for himself and you being a safe landing place for him won't force him to do that.
Let him talk tomorrow. Interject nothing. Make supportive comments such as "I'm sorry you feel that way." and "I understand." If you truly don't understand something he says, mirror it back to him, "I hear you say that you are not sure that you still love me or know what love is supposed to feel like, is that right?" Then let him extrapolate on that idea. This talk is all about him right now, let him own his decisions. That is the only way he will feel the consequences of them.
I haven't read any of your other posts so I don't know your back story. Could you share with me how long have you been together and M'd? Any kids?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
HC, that is tricky. But I hope to be in your shoes one day!
One thing that I really regret is that the last times that we talked about our R (before the S and just afterwards), I wish I had been a better listener/validator. First of all, I was so desperate to communicate my POV that I didn't allow for the silences in the convo that might have prompted him to talk more. I really don't know his frame of mind and that's partly why. Also, by not validating enough, H was probably left with a justifiable feeling of "she doesn't understand me". That was before I started DBing...I would handle things differently now, I hope.
Our Hs are very confused and expecting clarity from them right now is unrealistic. I think all you can expect from your H at this point is intention. The intention to work on the M, while you both live with the uncertainty. You're still in early days so managing your expectations is pretty important IMO.
Your H presumably knows what you want so you don't need to communicate that. Good luck!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Its hard to just let him talk but try as much as you can to let him say what he feels or not! Try not to interupt let a few gaps in the conversation fall naturally, definitely validate, if you understand say so, dont tell him what you want him to hear, he isnt going to hear any of it at the moment. If it all gets too much pop to the bathroom, or make a cuppa break things down a bit. If he says he wants some space that is ok, but let him know that to have proper space you have to have some agreed time of NC, hes not going to find out what life is like without you if he talks to you every day. But be warned this may end up with him staying away longer, there is always the fact he might get used to the freedom, what ever you do dont panic, keep as calm as you can.. Ten months ago I was in a right state when H left but honestly I can say that although its hard work now it has brought some good and definitely some clarity to our relationship.
What things have you done for you? Have you managed to read DR yet? Anyway forgot to say welcome earlier, its a scary time your in right now but this is a great place to be with friends.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I agree, definitely read Divorce Remedy! Participating in the forum is not a substitute for that!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Listen a lot, and talk a little. I don't think he is all that interested in what you have to say just now. He already knows you are not "done", telling him that is more likely to push him away than anything, in his current frame of mind.
