I'm glad you're not a guy cos I know you wouldn't read all this if you were, but please bear with me.
I can't but help feeling you are soooooooo close to getting what this whole DB'ing thing is about, and yet I feel from your last few posts that there's a small piece of the puzzle you're missing and you aren't quite there yet (although you are doing really good I must say).
Bottom line is, bad things happen to good people - deal with it !
R's are hard work, no question, and a lot of times things go wrong and we tend to say to ourselves "How could this happen to me, I didn't do anything wrong" and wallow in the misery.
WAS's don't just wake up one day and say "I'm gone" - there are lots of things over a long time which contribute to the breakdown of a M and R.
I guess most of it boils down to "I'm missing something that I need to make this work". We are all critical of the WAS who gets into an EA/PA and goes elsewhere to have their needs met, and we struggle to come to terms with what's going on in the mind of the MLC'er, but we have to realize that WE are a big part of the problem. Walking away from a long term R certainly is not a decision made in the heat of any particular moment - a big part of it is our fault.
So the harsh reality becomes - the decision is made, the Spouse has walked away to what they see as a better alternative:
We go all thru, well you know what we all do at the start !
Then the actuality should set in. My partner left me because there is something I was/wasn't doing that led them to that choice. It is all different and yet in so many ways it's all the same.
Who knows, maybe there's a forum out there somewhere called "What the F&@k do I have to do to make them let go" where all the WAS's are doing the same as we are here !
DBing isn't about trying to get you S to come back - they don't exist anymore. They are not the person you married and you (especially you Tal) are not the person they left.
I've only been here a few months, same as you, but I think I've got the gist of what goes on here.
DBing to me is about really looking at yourself. Fine your S did this, didn't do that, yeah they have issues, but so do you. You can't change their "stuff" but you can change yours.
You need to do what it takes to be a better you, not so you S will notice and come snivelling back, that's not what you want, or will accept. DBing is about doing the work on the only thing YOU can control.
You should be able to get to the place where you can say, "I don't deserve this. Yeah I did some stuff wrong, and I accept that and am doing something about it".
What you do about it though, and the way you feel about it absolutely CAN'T be about them!!!
You have been left in the position you are in - not fair or just but that's what it is.
You have to make the choice, not the WAS. I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON IN A BETTER PLACE. I really feel that you are doing that Tal, but to get the whole way there you have to fully let go of the outcome. YOU will be a better person no matter what your H decides he wants. THE ONLY THING you have to do is realize that somewhere in your R part of the problem was you, and commit to yourself that you want to improve yourself, for yourself so your next R, with H or someone else is better.
You are a young, smart and beautiful woman. If/When you decide to, you will have guys falling at your feet.
Please, Let go of your H, at the moment he doesn't deserve you. E-Mails, texts, face to face, it doesn't matter - you have to show him that you are over it - and be able to say that truthfully to yourself. It's up to him if he wants to do the work to make your M work and sadly the reality is that's a long shot.
And yes the real world side of the whole letting go thing also mandates that you make sure you are protecting yourself both legally and financially. Sad Fact sweetheart but oh so true.
We know what he will be missing if he doesn't - you've shown us all on the board, but it's not up to you now. If/When he wants to do the work, then it's your turn to see if you are able to forgive and accept.
You owe him nothing except your love, and only you will know if that's still there enough.
Take care.
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010