Next steps

[talia]

HI Aver,
I don't know if I can help much but ((((Aver))))

I'm struggling with how hard to fight too. What is in YOUR best financial interest??? Speaking personally - I'm not giving up my biggest investment over the last 7 years just because H is stupid. I'm living here and I'm not going anywhere - possessionl is 9/10th of the law

Fight for the house - as far as you know there's no chance he's coming back anyway. Unless I'm mssing something in your posts. Any cracks in doors are purely imagined at this point - I hate to tell you. Time to do whats best for you financially and forget what that might mean to H - he's probably not thinking about you.

If you fight for the house or not WON'T be the ONE THING that brings him home or pushes him away. Don't let that crazy thought get to you...

RUN RUN RUN FROM THAT THERAPIST - SHE'S AN IDIOT!

Sending you the love,

T

[chatterbug]

Aver I really hope you can figure out how to get rid of this bitterness. It keeps holding you back. Making you cycle.

Automate the bills. Deal via 3rd party. Cut the rope. Just leave enough for him to hang himself.

I do think your getting to a better place. You are getting very good at expressing your emotions. This is a good thing. Something you have been working on for months and it is paying off. Your becoming honest with your self.

I understand the fight for the house. I understand the concept of no OM in that hallowed grounds. I understand about not wanting to give up on the town. I agree with you on these concepts. For they are very important in who you are. But you are getting to a point where you need to decide what you want to keep and what you need to shed. As you need to begin to move forward again with a fluid motion. You have the support of the real world and here. You have a good schedule of activities in your day to day life.

You live a full life.

Now you need to realize this and embrace it again.

Take Care.

[flowmom]

(((aver))) Cutter has wise words for you.

[talia]

(((aver))) Not only are they wise words, that might be one of his longest posts yet !!

You have come a long way. Just do what is best for you - the rest will come in time.

We are here for you!!!

T

[blownaway65]

OK Aver, strap yourself in, here goes.

First off (((Big Hugs))), I think we can all see that you are in terrible pain and suffering so badly. Bad news is, most of it you're doing to yourself - sorry.

The ups and downs of the rollercoaster you're on are only there as long as you stay on it. You can get off at any time you like. That's Detachment. Getting to a place where you know you'll be OK no matter what the eventual outcome of all this is. Seriously it is the ONLY way that you will start to pull yourself up out of the quagmire you are in now.

You have to become indifferent or you will stay exactly where you are.

And thanks for the kind words on my thread. But there's no mystical properties to the Aussie outlook on life unfortunately. I went through exactly what you are now and I know just how much it hurts and how unfair it seems.

I think at some point I came to a realization - W's actions in forever breaking my family made me come to see her as a person who I couldn't walk through this life with - whether she wanted back or not. And it came remarkably quickly. Till that moment I struggled, just the same as you. But it did become so much easier once I got there.

My last 2 interactions with her were to check that her car insurance covered the kids using it, and to ask her not to bring OM to tennis on Friday night (not because I wouldn't be able to handle it, but because that's the way I wanted it - she agreed). I have no interest at all in her new life. I've got my own to live!

The House.

I'm sitting here in a beautiful mudbrick house that W & I built together. We made all the 3,500 mudbricks and laid them ourselves. The floors are 12,000 solid red bricks which we cleaned and laid ourselves. My kids and I ate dinner tonight at the redgum dining table W and I made together and I'm writing this lying on the beautiful four poster bed W & I made together. The kids will all sleep tonite in the beds W and I made them. In short if it wasn't plumbing, W & I did it together (Actually I must put more pics of it all in the Alt)

Point is, I'm sitting here alone. We both loved the house and everything in it. It's a 12 year investment in both our lives, and yet W still chose to leave.

It's our house 50/50. I have no idea what will happen to it when we settle. When that time comes I will have to decide what's the best thing to do for me, buy her out or sell to 3rd party.

I can look at parts of the house and conjure up the memories of our journey in building it, you know, there's where I fell off the roof or remembing when S16 fell into the tub of acid and we had to rush him to hospital, all that good stuff. But the point is I can look at them with a positive attitude and if I buy W out I know that I will be happy in this house even though there's so much of W in it.

I can see you love your place as well and if you think you can handle living in close proximity to H & OW and can swing it financially then why not buy it. Just make sure you don't do it for the wrong reasons though.

Spite and Jealousy will stop you seeing clearly what is in YOUR best interests - and as Tal says that's where you really have to be looking.


Above all look after yourself.

[talia]

HI Aver! I thought I would stop over here...

I have more thoughts about your house sitch, I'm missing some details. Can you afford to stay? Why should you buy him out? Do you want to live in that location? Sounds like its a good investment and the worst thing you can do with an investment is to make emotional changes to it (ala the financial adviser in me).

Tell me why... why you can't keep it, why you do/don't want to, why he wants it, why it is/isn't in your best interests to keep/sell.....

I dream about H all the time - good and bad. I think its just our brains way of sorting feelings/emotions that we don't face during the day. Try to keep a notebook near your bed and write them down right away. It will help you identify feelings you may not be honoring the way you should!!!


T

[talia]

HI Aver - I just saw your post on HHH's thread. It helped me understand a little bit. Try to keep your stuff here - so we can all find it and give you more detailed advice...


Forgot DBing and forget H. You cannot "do" any type of DB thing at this point. Its not like you can make some kind of magical impression by sacrificing yourself.

The best impression you can make - on ANYONE - is to be strong, confident and self assured.


Please post the answer to this question....WHAT DO YOU WANT?????


T

[flowmom]

From another thread:

Hijacking again--

HHH, LFA, ml25-

Please, I need help with this question:

I want to live in the house. I want the advantage of having tenants pay the mortgage. I don't want to start over in a new house. X has the skills, time, and energy to make over a house. I don't.

X and I have no contact.

I am suddenly crazed with the grief of the finality of it. The grief of getting a formal proposal: Get out by August 1st. (bombaversary)

Do I back out of the house gracefully (but taking good care of myself financially)
This might indicate a graceful WA, done, who cares, big deal, have the house.
It might be very good for me financially, and probably emotionally.

If I fight for the house--to protect myself financially and emotionally--so I have a stable, familiar place to keep healing in--it will drive a knife so deeply between the two of us, I'm not sure we could ever exchange civil words again. And living in the same small state, we will see each other.

If I go to the meetings for this local play that I DID decide to work on, we'll see each other. We'll work together on the load in. But there is this DEADLINE he gave me: by February 28th, accept my offer on the house.

I need to sort out the emotional from the legal, and I will be talking to Ls and Cs to get help with that.

But please--how do I escape from the sudden: "what would be a good DB thing to do around the house?"

I had GIVEN up DB'ing, as least as far as relates to "drawing him back" because there was no opportunity, no chance at all that I could see. I am only trying to heal myself now.

I need help from the big dogs, here. Puppy? Gucci?

Thank goodness for a C session tomorrow--sorry I am in such rough shape here.

(((aver)))After being together for 23 years, it's to be expected that you are still grieving in a big way. It's only been 6 months so cut yourself some slack and really let yourself feel those feelings.

I hope you are going to a new C tomorrow!

I really don't think the house is a DB issue. It's a "doing what's right for aver" issue. If there is any hope for a future with your X, it's not the house decision that will make the difference. I'm not going to tell you to detach, because I believe that it's a process. Just try to identify if there's something blocking you from detaching...maybe discuss that with the C.

[talia]

Aver,
Wise Wise words from flowmom!!

Just an added thought about your post on HHH's thread....

There are TONS of very good looking "handy" men who have the skills to make over your house.


I'm just saying....


T

[avermont]

Thanks to all who weighed in.

Sorry about not keeping it all on one thread.

Let's see: here are some answers.

Keeping the house for me: makes huge sense financially. Unfortunately, X will fight me all the way. As we are not married, the courts would decide who gets it, or order sold to a third party.

My L feels my chances of getting awarded the house are "slim."
Why? Woodshop built specifically for X; X will be able to show all sorts of drawings and plans for porch, front entryway, woodshop, that HE designed, planned for, sweat equity.

My L advice: put a $ amount on my desires, as that will drive my strategy.

Spend all of my savings on court? and maybe still lose? or push for a lot of $ from X, and "laugh my way to the bank" as L advises?

Thanks for the 2x4 about there not being any "DB'ing" to be doing. Really, those feelings swelled up out of no-where--"if I am nice about the house, the door is open a crack!" Yeah, right.

I dropped the C who told me X "ought" to feel such and such. Going back to my first C. Met last night with new C who comes from a mindfullness-based, Buddhist influenced approach. She also does EMDR. Will see first C until new C is back from one month vacation.

Will spend time with C and friends and financial adviser trying to separate out EMOTIONAL from FINANCIAL decisions. I also need to really look at HOW I would afford a place on my own. On paper it looks workable, but real life?

I have a friend who is super accountant/banker/facilitator. She will work through some of the $ questions with me.

I know that anger, bitterness, spite, poison me, poison my thinking, and hold me back. Am trying trying trying to let go. I have moments of it!

Am meeting realtor on Friday to look at houses. Weird--one of them is being sold by a friend who's marriage just collapsed in a mess of a mess. Buying her house--weird for both of us.

Looking at houses is a "next step." Trying to plan for the worst.

Am continuing to work with my L to evaluate the best strategy. She strongly advises leveraging X's desire for the house into more $ and more time for me. She's really trying to push me away from making this a court case.

My feelings on the house are getting more clear. I love it. I'm comfy there, and in the neighborhood. X earns more $; X has home-improvement skills I don't: push for him to buy a new house.

Sooo...with all your wise advice:

keep moving forward on evaluating best financial decisions.

drop sudden resurgence of "DB'ing" thoughts

plan for the worst: court case; time drags on; X is rotten enough to move himself and OW into one of the apartments.

plan for the best: good financial outcome--however that comes to be--and see what that develops into.

Work with C to move forward on healing, letting go, etc.

Keep checking my gmail account for notices from Match.com and eharmony!

Thanks again, all. I was/am in a real low spot. Trying to pull myself out. Will do so with all of you and my RL friends.