A cheated cheater 2

[undefeated]

Ok, meltdown in progress. I could use a boost.

SO, my day went from an incredible fun-filled morning with my sons to an absolute meltdown tonight.

I took the kids to a historic site where they got to see a train robbery re-enactment, go on a hike to a tiny graveyard (a mile round trip I thought would wear them out), tons of pictures, music, snacks. We all had a lot of fun.

But the moment we got home everything went downhill. I fed them lunch and then to bed (it's always nap time after lunch). They wouldn't go to sleep, kept running back and forth between rooms. I was tired from a morning of wrangling children. And the situation kept escalating. Within an hour and a half I had two throwing screaming temper tantrums. All I wanted to do was smack them. I didn't but I wanted to.

And, of course, this is when my H decides to call. I shouldn't have answered the damn phone. But for some stupid reason I thought maybe talking to him would give me a boost. Yeah, whatever. His tone and the things he said all implied that he coldn't understand my frustration and why I simply couldn't control the children.

Then he proceeded to tell me to let him talk to S4 who was screaming near the phone. This ticked me off because it makes daddy look like the one with authority and that I am just someone to ignore. And the first thing out of my H's mouth is, "Talk to me S4, I am not mad at you." Well he damn well would have been had he put up with this crap day in and day out! So he calms down the kids, which I did appreciate. And so I said to him, "Thanks, I'm glad you could de-escalate the situation; it just seems silly that you had to." To which he responded, "Yes it is," in a tone that clearly said I shouldn't have to whine to him when the kids misbehave.

At which point I told him I had tried everything I could think of and I was "open to suggestions." For all you men out there, don't take that phrase literally! "Open to suggestions generally means, "shut up until I'm done venting!" It is not actually an invitation to start talking. But he did, and some of the suggestions he was offering were actually ok. But I didn't want to hear them! I wanted to hear "I'm sorry you're having a rough day."

He was so baffled by the fact that I was upset while he was sitting there calm, cool and collected. Well isn't it nice to know exactly how I'm doing this all wrong. I wanted to get nasty and ask him how the hell he knows anything about parenting...it's not like he's ever done it. I didn't. I actually kept my tone fairly neutral and steered the conversation so I could calm down.

Meanwhile, the kids are continuing to think up new ways to make me mad. I am furious with my H and tell him I need to get the brats ready for bed early. I get them all settled and call my mom.

And that is when I lost it. I told her everything. I told her about the OW in VA, about thinking he plans to file for a D, about the fact that I wonder why I stay. He pays the bills and his sons adore him when he is around, which is so infrequently that whenever he leaves they have anxiety problems. I told her I sometimes don't know why I am still here. If I got in my car and drove away after my H gets back it isn't abandonment or endangering a child. As long as I keep in contact with the boys and don't take off for more than 6 months without establishing a residence where they can find me, in AZ it cannot be abandonment. And as long as I leave them with a competent adult (their father usually is) I can't be charged with neglect. His problems finding childcare and balancing them with work are not my problem.

A stupid conversation with my H and some badly behaving kids and my wonderful day was totally shot to hell. I am emotionally drained, and not just from tonight. I have nothing left to give. I have no idea how the permanent single moms do it. Though at least they don't have the false expectation of help from a partner. Even when he's here, he's not really here. I need my vacation.

I am fighting for my marriage, but today I feel like I'm losing. What is the point? I don't want to devastate my kids with tearing our family apart, but I still can't figure out why I should bother. His school is going great, he's a shoo in for this promotion, he's got great goals and plans. But when does he get around to taking care of us? And not just paying the bills for god's sake! When does he actually take care of his family, of me? I don't want to live like this..