Question

[awest1217]

Thanks. H did text at 11 asking if we were still doing something. I was hoping we would do an all day thing, but it was better than nothing. He came over and I right away gave him a big hug. He said he slept all night and felt better (has a head cold that has been bothering him for a few days). We did lunch, played wii, etc. We cuddled, kissed. It was nice. We then went to H's grandma's for lobster. It was good and H asked if I wanted to go see the movie tonight. I said ok, but the whole time he kept saying we don't have to go if you don't want to. I just kept telling him, if I didn't want to go I would have said no. I really want to be here with you.

The movie was good. I tried to hold H's hand twice, but he didn't go for it. That is ok though. It was very hot and he was figety from it being stuffy, which bothered his nose, and the seats were uncomfortable. He would lean over and tell me stuff about the differences with the book and would look at me and I could see hints of love in his eyes.

He then said something about going to Dairy Queen for ice cream. I went to the wrong one so it ruined those plans because I bypassed the one he was thinking of becuase I didn't see it so I think he thought I didn't want to go, when I really did, but no big deal. We got S and went home. I told H I really enjoyed it and sent a text letting him know I had a lot of fun and it meant a lot to me.

I am taking Lucky's advice, before reading it, and just trying to have fun with weekend and really reconnect. He brought up some stuff about where to put his stuff when he comes home. I talked about stuff like that as well. All very general and nonconfrontational so that was good. I think he just understood more that I am wanting him to come home and am thinking about it. I just have to somehow find the fine line between showing the love and making sure the boundaries are not being crossed....so hard, and I totally don't know how to do it. I know how with S because he can't go anywhere, but H, I don't want to hurt the progress by restating as he would put it "what he already knows". Maybe I will just ask when he wants to move in and about MC. That way I am not bringing up OW. He did talk about her tonight, but I was sure to change the subject quickly, and not indulge the little bait.

[Lucky11too]

Sounds like a fun day! Way to go for it! =D

Good idea about being less confrontational when you discuss the future. Like he has said, he knows the rules, so if you ask him when he is moving in and he is going forward with it, then he agrees to the rules. Unfortunately that leaves you to do the checking up on the follow thru, but since he specifically said, yes, I know the rules, don't keep reminding me, then he cannot claim ignorance if you call him on something OW related. And yes, it will definitely be interesting to see his response in regard to MC. He can work his way out of IC by pushing it off, but with you in charge of scheduling the MC, he's going to have to decide if he's really going to go with it or not. Can't push that one off. Proud of you too for not indulging his OW talk. That's probably the best and only way to handle it. Good day today and hoping for an even better one tomorrow for all of us! =)

[awest1217]

Today was ok. Nothing big. Just a good time relaxing. He bought me a new digital camera which is great because mine has been broken for quite a while. It was a little bit of a rough start because when H got there, S had a poop accident in his underwear and then tried to wipe and got it everywhere. AAAHHHH! I was a little frustrated because potty training is as hard on the parents as the child, and doing it myself is hard. When H is here, he does take him once in a while, but it is mostly me.

I gave H his card and he cried. He then asked me about what I wanted to eat. I need to definitely explain to H that there are three days each year he should plan what to eat for dinner and not ask me what I want; my birthday, our anniversary, and valentine's day. A normal girl thing... It was all nice and H text me after he left to let me know that he has enjoyed relaxing and feeling loved.

I talked more about him moving home (generally), but he still hasn't said it is definite. Still kind of aloof. We will have to wait and see what next week holds. It will be hard to bring it up, but I will have to. We are both grown adults and there is a wonderful, although frustrating right now, two year old who needs me to protect our house. I just don't like being in this role, but I will do what I need to I guess.

Overall a good Valentine's day.

[ClingingToHope]

That's good although I wouldn't keep asking him when he's coming home. That's pressure, but at least he's not saying he's not coming.

Isn't it great to get past one of the "big days?"

I've got the next two taken care of -- my birthday I'll be in Florida and I'm going to a Cubs game with friends for our anniversary, both in April.

[awest1217]

I haven't been asking him about coming home. I just mention "when he comes home" stuff. Like "when you come home we will need to get rid of some stuff" because we will have two of everything...stuff like that.

Today we hung out again all day. It was nice. We had fun. Went shopping to get S new shoes. Had dinner with MIL and her mom. Watch a movie while S took his nap and layed together on the same couch (big thing that we stopped doing after we got married because we never had a couch big enough for both of us to sit). It was overall a nice night.

I did however want to ask my questions and didn't know how. H noticed I was perplexed and asked what was the matter. I said I had some questions for him, but didn't want to ruin the weekend. He said go ahead and ask. So I asked "are you planning on coming home?" He said I don't know. He said he wants to come home, but he is scared to hurt me again because he wants to stay friends with OW. I then brought up my concern with OW and her husband being gone this up coming weekend. He said they would probably hang out. He said at least I am being honest, which is a huge step and I told him that, but now I am not knowing what to do. He is honestly going to wait until the last minute and he has 27 days to move out of the house (actually he was thinking trying to move out by March 1, which is 14 days). He says they don't hang out as much, but now OW's H is going to be gone every other weekend. He not once acted like he was going to stop for me. I even said that is what bothered me about this (completely calm I might add, yea me) is that he won't even let go of this friendship to make us work. I said I think things are going great between us and that we are so much closer than we have been in a while. I also said I was glad that he could finally tell me the truth although I disagree with it. He also said he knew I would accept him if he came home, but my brothers wouldn't and that bothered him so he didn't want me to have to make that decision. I told him I already knew I wouldn't get to hang with my brothers much, but they are protecting me and he said he understood that.

We ended up getting off the topic once I had gotten my answer and we went through some follow up questions. Ultimately nothing has changed. I said how I don't understand how he sees nothing wrong with what he is doing. I let him know exactly the truth, but also let him know I believe he can do what needs to be done, if he really wants us to work. We spent some more time watching TV. He kept asking if he could help me in any way get stuff ready for tomorrow. We put S to bed. He then gave me a long hug and said how much he enjoyed this weekend, thank you, and that he loves me a lot. He then text me not too long ago once again saying what he said in person.

I just know in a few weeks I am going to have to tell the love of my life he can't come home, and it hurts because we...he has come far, but he just won't let this go, but I deserve better. I am scared again and hurt and sad because although he is being honest, the tone in his voice let me know he is never going to give up OW. He even said her, her husband, and us could hang out. I said no way. This is going to be a hard month, but I am strong and maybe...just maybe his love for me will win out...but honestly I doubt it.

[MrBond]

Does OW's H know about their R? If not, maybe he should.

[awest1217]

He does supposedly...according to my H he knows everything and is ok with it.

H changed his AIM password so I have no way now to check up on him. I text him and told him thank you for changing the password. Now he has all the privacy he always wanted. I love you.

He hasn't responded, and I know it was wrong, but my goodness he wants me to change, but he won't change one bit...URGH!

[ClingingToHope]

He does supposedly...according to my H he knows everything and is ok with it.

I'm a guy and I have to believe that is an out-and-out lie. If it was my wife hanging out all the time with a guy when I'm out of town, I would be burning up. I'm not saying W couldn't have guy friends -- although she didn't until I left -- but they couldn't "hang out" if I wasn't around.

[Lucky11too]

Glad you had a fun v-day weekend! Those are some tough questions you had to deal with today though. You're just going to have to keep up with your strength b/c you know what is right and what is fair, and him having OW is neither of those. Maybe try to bring up MC later this week b/c you have to start somewhere. He needs help and maybe a 3rd non bias party can help him work thru this issues. Yes, your text was a little harsh, but we're all human and we can't always keep our mouths shut. Changing his password is not helping you build your confidence in him, but it does save you from wanting to check up on him all time. The thing I'm learning is that you never know what to expect, so don't give up yet. I feel like half the time I'm thinking I'm going to be a success story and then the next minute I feel like my life is in shambles again. I just say this b/c it seems common in these situations for this to change for the better or worse fast. Let's just continue to hope here that a good and positive change happens fast. Keep it up!

[awest1217]

No text from H this morning. I did text him to say good morning and that I am planning to keep doing what we have been doing, fostering our relationship. Usually after a night like last night, I would tell H I don't want to talk to him because it is too painful, and it is, but if I want to make this work, I have to show him I have changed even if he is never going to change himself. I have to keep doing what I know to do, and if it all fails...well that will be his choice.

About OW's H, I really want to tell him everything that is going on, but I can't. If I tell him anything, he will go to OW who will go to my H and then we are done. I know that I shouldn't worry about that, but I feel he is the stupid one. He sent my H a FB message in August or September saying how he and OW got into a fight and she said she would stop talking to my H. Her H said to my H I dont want her to lose the first friend she has really made since moving here. I think he is so ridden with guilt about her having to move here away from her family and in a place where her degree she can't use because we don't have her type of work here, that he just lets her do whatever she wants. It is all messed up.

I think I will try asking H later if he would go to MC with me, but I don't want to go and have other things be brought up to make him decide to not come home. I am really scared of the C saying H is wrong and him saying he is never going to go again. I know I shouldn't be scared, but I am. I feel like we have been on this hamster wheel the whole separation. We get really close to one another and H just won't go over to the next step so we fall off the wheel. Then after a few weeks, we get back on the wheel and get close again. The only problem is that there isn't a few weeks where he can ignore me and try to start a good relationship again. I still don't understand how he can ignore me for weeks at a time, then say he missed me, but he can't go one day without talking to OW.

Deep down I know he has made his decision. It is just so hard to after starting to open up again say "no it is over". I know he loves me. He says he loves me, but I guess that love isn't strong enough to give her up. I just wish I hadn't opened myself up again. I wish I would have just ignored him and gone on like we were getting a divorce, but you can't have love without a risk. I just always risk and get burned. 27 more days...