I originally posted this under separated now what do I do. If someone can give me additional perspective, please review my thread below. And really, thank you for any insight. Take Care.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Hi D welcome sorry ur pain I read your initail post in seperated Many of the WAH sound alike and do similar behaviors It is recommeneded to work on yourself GAL get a life find hobbies, new friends, therapy let your H go practice being cordial and validate him when you interact there is nothing you can do to stop the crises or change his mind at this point check your finances seperate all credit cardes ect if it is MLC, the wah can spend everything and leave th LBS in debt do not trust him at this point think of yourself and your future they re not the same men and wont be for some time I know it is hard, but most of us here walk away for the better in time we grow and although it wasnt whatt we oringinally wanted or planned it is good and better for some of us than we expected even if WAH never returns have faith work on yourslef you will get thru the transition this is your journey..he has his it is seperate now no way to stop it peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I will agree there are earmarks of “script” in what you have heard.
Welcome, to one of the best worst places to be through this.
Keep posting as we get to know more about the situation, we will be able to offer more guidance.
IF this is MLC, you are in for a long road.
You asked what you can do to help him or try to get him to “see” from a different perspective.
There is nothing you can do right now. There is nothing you can do in six months. This is something HE will have to realize for HIMSELF.
However, you can and need to take care of you.
Right now, that is the best thing that you can do.
I see you as having a unique opportunity with him being deployed shortly. You have time, not time forced by him, but time none the less, to learn to focus on you.
Start by reading the MLC resources. And the archives. Remember that the stages you will read about, do not go in order. They are merely a guideline. A description of what your spouse is going through.
Take this time, to read, learn, get your life in order. You will not be sorry.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Welcome to this board. Sorry you have to be here but this is a wonderful resource and you will "meet" great people here who understand your sich and want to give you support.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Last edited by OldPilot; 02/11/1003:38 PM. Reason: make links work
Thank you all so very much! The support is so very appreciated, because I feel like I am the one who is losing my mind.
Now I know have not been the perfect W, nor could I be. I am in IC for myself now and have been for 2 months to work on me.
My H is a proud person and sees admitting fault as a failure (and let me tell you...in his mind, he can NEVER fail). It would be crushing for him to admit. When he accepted a new job in a new field about 4 years ago, he was on the moon, because they created a brand new position for him. Well after 2 years, the guy who originally offered him the job told him he was at the "bottom of barrel" in terms of performance. He was crushed!
Sometimes I think a WAH experiencing a MLC looks to the very person who loves and cares for them as sort of an "enemy" because over the years, they have bore all their flaws to their mates. We have learned everything about them. They believe we will judge because we do know them so well. So the "enemy analogy is "if I admit that I have a problem, that it will force me to face flaws within myself".
It would then mean that WAH or WAW cannot blame external factors or individuals for their dissatification or unhappiness.
I have gained so much clarity about myself through IC and I am so happy I sought support. I really wish my husband would do the same. -
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
DU, You can only work on you at this time. Detach from your H and his drama to protect yourself. Is your H depressed? That goes hand in hand with the MLC. There is no fixing him he has to go through this process till completion. Don't take his spew personally as it is just projection and trying to blame you for his unhappiness.
I wonder if the "bottom of the barrel" comment could have been the trigger of your H's MLC? That would be a pretty big blow to a proud man. My H is also a proud man, but I'm beginning to think that his excessive pride is a cover up for insecurities.
This is a long, rough ride. Hang on to your hat and patience! However it turns out, you will have become a better, stronger person because of it. As one wise DBer put it to me, at some point you'll realize this was an opportunity and a blessing in your life to get to know you as an individual again.
SA - Thank you very much. I never thought I would find myself here and it is so unbelieveable to see the man I know and love so much turn on me, regardless of what has happened. He is spending the day shopping - another attempt to make himself feel better. My H hates shopping. he is now purusing the mall, why? He does not have any spare cash. It would seem sad to just cruise the mall without spending. He must be REALLY bored.
Does any LBS feel as though the WAS is really hurting inside, even if they won't admit it?
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Sorry you find yourself here, but this place can offer you great support to deal with the craziness of MLC.
To answer your last comment, if he is in MLC, then yes absolutely he is hurting inside. They are a real mess. My H has for the most part acted like he was great,enjoying his "single" life, etc., but he has opened up to me on occasion and what he has shared is really horrible. Very deep, dark hurt and pain. Now he has moved into a phase where he is visibly depressed most of the time, looks older, doesn't look good. Depression is underlying the whole MLC whether they show it or not.
And the shopping thing? Common in MLC. Watch bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Protect yourself because MLCers can spend without care.
TF gave you a great explanation, one more thing to add is that initially in replay when all their antics are going on, the reason for this is that they are searching for a way to relieve their pain. They blame you or anyone else in their way, they want to get rid of you and replace you with another person in order to search for a reason to eliminate their pain. They will go down every dead end street try to prove that they can get rid of their hurt. That is why most om/ow/op relationships do not work.
Thank you OP and TF for your words of support. Honestly, I wish there was somthing I could do or say that will give him something to consider or at least consider other perspectives. So I decided to write down my frustration as it relates to our R. Broader information provided below on my situation. Other perspectives, please?
Anatomy of R Breakdown:
1) H and Current W met sometime after divorce of H's first W 2) H still seemed to harbor resentment at first W because he felt she treated him badly 3) Current W (me) took this as a sign and told then Boyfriend H that we should not be together and not to call because he was still having issues with his first divorce. 4) After a few weeks, Boyfriend H called to ask me out on another 1st date and it turned out great 5) W career and H relationship was strong (now looking back, was it?), interactions with friends and family were good, and careers were going great 6) H proposes marriage to W on her birthday after 4 1/2 years of dating and 1 year later they marry 7) After 3 years of marriage, W begins to succumb to the stress of work with more responsibility and demands - spends more hours at work than home. H takes notice that W seems angry about everything when she arrives home each night. During this time, H takes a new job in another career field after working in previous company for 18 years. 8) H suggests to wife to find another job because I seemed unhappy. W gets a new job, was happy about it but was still stressed. W continues to commiserate at home. 9) H's career change was apparently not all that great and was told he was at the bottom of list for performance. H is shaken and believes that boss and others are sabotaging his progress. 10) Within a week of that disclosure, I notice H withdrawing from any conversation with my and announce that he is unhappy and was thinking that we should separate 11) Wife tries to convince H that he is wrong to do this and that things will change. After a week, H acquiesces and says to wife OK 12) H get additional feedback from job that he needs to show others that he committed to the company. People need to see him outside of work at events, know that he is committed. 13) H then begins blaming W for his failures at work and a drastic change in personality occurs 14) H pays over $3000K to get Alase surgery without informing W first to remove all the hairs from his chest. Says he did want me to talk him out of it. He also begins a speedy race to lose weight (which he did lose 20 lbs) 15) H decides he wants to be a golfer because that what other employees are doing to bond and show that they are committed to outside work activities 16) He gets teeth whitening and shops at “teen” retailers to look young. It looks as if he is trying to make himself more appealing to others to be a success at work, but not in our marriage. 17) H spends almost a $1000K on golf lessons after he golfed a miserable game with other employees from where he works. Believes he embarrassed himself. 18) W supports the golf and gets lessons herself and traveled with H to driving range every weekend. 19) H begins to spend more and more time after work with co-workers at Happy Hour. I know that one co-worker, he spent more time with and this was the woman that he is involved with – this OW is probably contributing to my H’s apparent “Confusion”. 20) H Gains weight back, continues to have performance issues at work and we are struggling with relationship at home 21) Who does he decide is the problem – ME! Not the career field that is not working out for him. I even suggested that he go back to his previous career since that made him so happy (and he agrees that he was happy). But he doesn’t want to give up, because that would mean he failed. So what? And I don’t see it that way. 22) H has been gone almost 2 months and I am reeling with frustration! He doesn’t even seem to want to face that HE also has issues. And how can he take such focused action to improve his performance at work while ignoring the relationship and placing it as the blame for any that fails in his life?
- Again, thank you to everyone here that understands. It is V-Day (not really important), but the BS has got to stop. I know I just have to be patient and validate his thoughts (when appropriate). I love him and makes me miserable to think that in all of these years together, there is little thought to what really matters and has been great in our relationship.
Happy Valentine’s Day to All! (((hugs)))
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Thank you OP and TF for your words of support. Honestly, I wish there was somthing I could do or say that will give him something to consider or at least consider other perspectives. So I decided to write down my frustration as it relates to our R. Broader information provided below on my situation. Other perspectives, please?