#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[rr22]

Light and funny gossip about what friends are up to (another superficial topic) seems realistic within the first month. At some early point as anger started to subsde I started getting platonic hugs. But that was months ago and it has never progressed since. Still, it might be a goal towards positivity in general for you.


My last comment about this is H4L and LR's threads have some good insight on how once anything gets positive, negative withdrawal seems to follow. It's one step forwards, two steps back no matter what it seems like. I'm not as far as they are and may never get there, but that has seemed true for my sitch as well.

[flowmom]

rr, expanding on talking about himself is a good minigoal for me. As far as friend gossip, it's kind of horrible but I feel like we don't have any mutual friends right now even though it seemed like we did in the past. There really isn't anyone that we are both connected to right now, which makes it a lot harder because there's no opportunity for the kind of indirect communication that can happen in those situations. H hasn't really had close friends in the few years while he's been apparently depressed, and the friendships that he's involved in now are superficial (or resurrected from the past) and related to his sport and job, which I'm not part of. As far as hug: I don't see that happening any time soon. I think that H is sticking to his own code of conduct of not giving me any false hope for our R (he kinda mentioned something like that right after he moved out).

[rr22]

You might still get a hug someday. My H and I had some kind of false hope convo at some point. Platonic hugs are now included as that which does not give false hope, I guess because you'd be willing to give one to your aunt as well? If no current mutual friends, movies and whatever sport he is now interested in would also then be neutral and positive topics for you and H.

It's kind of pathetic, but realistic mini-goals seem to be things that one might do with a casual acquaintance you didn't hate.

[Lost Rabbit]

Hi Flo

Just thought I'd stop by and read your sitch after meeting you on the alt.. Lots going on and you seem to be doing fantastic at sorting yourself out and leaving H to his own problems for the time being. I know it breaks your heart not to be able to fix things for him and you but you cant, I literally had to let Mr Rabbit go and be done with him and get on and GAL.. Ironically the time is a great healer is so true, I used to keep reminding myself it took years to make the mess and probably would take years to put it together again, and nearly ten months on its still early days!

[flowmom]

It's kind of pathetic, but realistic mini-goals seem to be things that one might do with a casual acquaintance you didn't hate.

Yes, I like that as a guideline!

I don't know about fantastic Lost Rabbit, but thanks for the encouragement! You must have missed the part where at least one vet got completely frustrated with my failure to GAL . I've been popping into your thread...some days you piecers keep me hanging on. You're inspirational!

[avermont]

Hey Flowmom-

I think your goals sound just about right, but don't take it from me! I gave up on all goals (except my own GAL and healing) as there is NC between me and X...

Take it one step at a time. There will be set backs for each step forward. Don't make it a reflection on YOU. You do the best you can do for YOU...and H will respond or not, as his heart and soul tell him to do.

If he does X or Y, note it, accept it, and make adjustments as needed. But don't make it YOUR failure or success. You are being the best you possible, and H will respond to that as he will.

I mean that to be encouraging--I hope it is!

[avermont]

[/quote]Doing The Work ON:
H should give our marriage a chance.

1. Is it true?
I think so.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
No.

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
I feel indignant, desperate, helpless.

4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would feel more peaceful.

Turn it around and find three genuine, specific examples of how the turnaround is true in your life.

H shouldn’t give our marriage a chance.
1. he is in a lot of pain
2. he has asked me to change and I haven’t
3. he already gave our marriage a chance by going to marriage counselling

I should give our marriage a chance.
1. I need to accept our marriage as it is right now.
2. I need to find peace in where we are at.
3. I can tend my deep connectedness to H in my heart.[quote]

Let's see if I got the quote stuff right, and then The Work:

X should give me a chance to work on our R.

1.Is it true?
I think so.

2.Can I absolutely know it's true?
I guess not.

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Sad, sad, guilty, remorse

4. Who would you be without the thought?
Here's where I don't understand The Work. Who would I be without the thought: X should give me a chance to work on our R? Ummm... someone who doesn't care about making amends? someone who is cold and says: oh, well, he didn't give me a chance, tough on him?

Turn it around and find three genuine, specific examples of how the turnaround is true in your life.

X shouldn't give me a chance.
1. I pushed him away for years.
2. He was starving for love and commitment.
3. He stuck with my behavior for 23 years.

I should give our R a chance
1. I desperately want that chance.
2. I want to work to bring our R to a better, deeper level.
3. I had 23 years of chance, and I blew it.

Hmmm...I think I need some coaching with this!

Sigh.

[flowmom]

Good start avermont! Definitely read one of her books and watch the videos on the site to get more of a feel for it. For the "who would I be without that thought?" question, it's not really a matter of your character, but rather your life experience if you were free from that thought. Without that thought you might feel sad but free, or you might feel peaceful? You have to decide what it is for you. For the turnarounds, definitely try to feel them truth in them, even if it's just a grain, at a gut level before giving specific examples.

[flowmom]

Well, I guess I survived V-day. It really helped that a family that we're close to spent the afternoon with me and the kids. We went for a long nature walk ending on a beach where the Chinese New Year's tiger had hidden lucky (chocolate coins) on the beach for the kids (I hatched a lot of fun things for the kids today). My IC warned me against being isolated. This afternoon was an example of doing something that brought me out of my own problems, connected me with other people, and woke me up to beauty and enjoying the now.

Must say that H is doing a great job GAL based on his fb page. I wish he had been taking care of himself like that while we were still together...maybe he wouldn't have felt so desperate to escape me. I encouraged him to, but it fell on deaf ears. Of course, I don't know if he's GALing with an OW...

[Onthemountaintop]

That sounds like you had an awesome day! Enjoying the beauty of today is what prepares us to make the great life decisions for the future, while still being thankful.

I hope you got pictures to show him what he missed on your FB!