Doing hard time on the MLC chain gang.

[MHL]

Hey DW,
Glad you are having a good weekend with the kids, I just got back from taking the kids and 3 of their friends to the movies. Double date for my D13, totally innocent but she is growing up so fast, and everyday she gets more beautiful. I am going to have a real problem on my hands in a year or two, I will have to start cleaning my shotgun when the boys come a calling, of course I'll have to go buy one first. I actually am not worried at all even after what my D13 has been exposed to, she has such a good moral foundation thanks to her mother. I so want that person back in all of our lives.

It was funny when we were at the local cineplex for the 5:00 shows, it has been awhile since I have been to the movies. I realize this is the entertainment of choice on a Saturday for all the divorced parents out there when it is their turn to have the kids for the weekend. I am standing in the lobby waiting with my S9 and his friend for my D13's movie to let out. I am looking around at all the single parents with kids that were there, I mean a ton of them. I find myself looking at the ring finger now on any adult I see between the age of 30 and 55, just making a mental note. I don't want to be in this group, or this 50% of the populace, I like the idea of being "married" I just cannot imagine being with anyone else otherthan my wife.

I did see my W today when I got my S9 and it was hard b/c she was looking great, she looked like she might be going out after work, or date or whatever. As I was leaving I told her she looked nice and she thanked me. I had a down moment after that for part of the afternoon, doing better now.

I would be interested in hearing more about the "going dark" discussion. I think I am at that point. I just feel like I have put up with so much that going dark is all that is left. I lost a lot of respect for the W for her kid intro approach. She has been so disrepectful. Right now I do not want anything to do with her. I do not want to be an ass but I can hardly stand to be around her...lot of anger.

Thoughts?

Me and Fred talked about anger and how that could fuel the "No Contact" or "Going Dark" but it is hard to do with kids involved, damn near impossible. We want our spouses to feel the absense of us but it is hard to do without coming across as an A$$. I think in your sitch that being an that way just gives her something to talk about with OM and makes you look bad. I had a separate IC for anger management that helped me tremendously, I am not saying you have an anger management problem but the tools I learned are insightful.

The IC I went to used the techniques in "ACT on Life Not on Anger" Eifert,Mckay, Forsyth. It is not a book to sit down and read cover to cover, you read a chapter and practice the techniques for a week or so and then move on to the next.

I think that this may benefit you b/c as your kids experience problems growing up you are going to want to blame her for everything that is not going right in their lives. If you can't "mold" your judgements and thoughts about your W's decisions then anger is going to be a "way of life" for you and that will kill you literally. This could be your single biggest self improvemet goal, IMHO. I think as you focus on yourself and your life your feelings of anger will diminish. I also think that you will learn some things that you will be able to pass on to your children b/c as they age they will undoubtedly develope some feelings of anger towards your W as she will ultimately be viewed as the one who threw in the towel. You will be able to be the "more mature" parent in helping your kids deal with their emotions.

For you, for now, I don't think you deny yourself these feelings or try to avoid them, in fact embrace them and fully experience them so that you can develope a healthy way to deal with them. Sounds counter intuitive just like DBing but you can not run from or avoid situations that make you angry especially in dealing with the mother of your children.