Mike...you wife is having an EA...that is equally damaging yet, not quite as bad (in my opinion) in that there is a lot more hope for recovery...the images of your wife actually in bed doing the "deed" with another man can be hard images to erase...but both are emotionally paralyzing to a relationship...
Patience right now is your BEST FRIEND...work on it, breath it, practice it, sleep it, walk it, eat it...got it?
I can tell you that my H was using his "man up" on me before he walked...and I was NOT liking it...and I can tell you that when we decided to reconcile had he kept that attitude I would have not been open to him coming back...because at one point he said he would come home but things were going to be "xyz" and I chaffed at that big time.
Also, remember how patient your wife was you all these years...I think you owe her that same patience to see you changes and for her to respond on them (no I am not saying she has 16 years to figure this out...but I think you get the idea)...it took nearly 3 years for my H and I to get it right...along with 2 divorce filings...
The fact that you are not expressing your wife in fits of anger...the fact that she confessed what was up to you without you catching her...these are in your favor...I truly believe she is trying to send you a message but until she feels safe in the answer (actions)she doesn't want to give up what is making her feel good now (the EA)...BUT if you don't provide the answers (actions) that she needs then she gave you warning that she will move to the next level(PA)...I truly believe she told you this to get a reaction from you...
So, keep working yourself...keep advancing in your work (actions) to make yourself the man YOU want to be...in doing so she will eventually notice...if my H could go 6 mon with zero contact and yet over the phone notice my changes...your wife living in your home with you will notice even the smallest thing...but just make sure these are things you can live with or it will be like a diet...you do good, get where you want, then go back to your old eating habits...that won't work here...you need to make the changes real, part of your life, what you want to be for yourself...and ultimately for your family!
I see a whole lot of hope here as long as you don't push her out the door and into another man's arms...
As for trust again...that is something we all struggle with when we have been lied to, deceived, and cheated on...I was really unsure of this most of all...I knew I could forgive my H...but I really was worried that I couldn't trust him again...but it comes...you get the vibes back that you need and you "just know"...you had love and trust before...you can have it again...
Now remember...breathe...patience...breathe...patience...breathe...patience...
