Help doing what is best for The Children

[Ready2Change]

Response from MsR2C:

S9 and S10 were in playing then S10 accidentally hit S9 with a metal toy he was swinging and S9 flipped. I removed S9 from the room and tried to talk to him - he thought he was entitled to one of S10's toys for what happened and I told him was wasn't. He also wanted to hurt S10 so I stood between the rooms to protect S10. S9 thought this was wrong and then decided that I was the bad person. He continued to scream, swear and yell. Then he decided that he was going to "kill himself" and started searching for his pocket knife. When he was unable to find the knife he took his cell phone and started calling you - though he knew you wouldn't answer as you never do. I attribute the violence and swearing to your house - he swears quite often and they tell me that he gets away with it at your house. Also, S10 thanked me for protecting his as at your house he's forced to "defend himself" and they're oftenr sent outdoors to fight it out!! You just promote violence and that is not what S9 needs - step up and be a parent!!

My Response (Keep in mind S9 Said "mom was hitting and sitting on me"):

MsR2C,

I am sorry that you feel the need to blame me for things the kids do during your parenting time. I just want the facts. When you deliberately leave out the fact that you physically took your anger out on S9 by hitting and sitting on him, I wounder who is promoting violence. There are many other options to help the kids deal with their issues.

I have been following the kids therapists recommendation to let the kids fight as long as there is no blood or broken bones. His advise falls in line with many other experts opinions. I don't like it when they fight, but I don't like it when S10 does not stand up for himself. I frequently suggest to S9 not to hit anyone. I also explain to S10 that he has the right to defend himself. S10 is bigger and stronger than S9 and is fully capable of protecting himself when the need arises. It is important that he does this.

I can understand S9's need to express his anger with you. He needs our guidance in doing this in a productive manor. Has your IC given you any wise words you could share with him? When he uses inappropriate language at my house, I tell him I don't like it and then explain why it is inappropriate. I suggest you do the same. It might also be a good idea to stop using inappropriate language in front of him. I know for certain that he picks up words you frequently use.

I have been patiently waiting for you to do what is best for our kids and start co-parenting. Co-parenting includes discussions concerning the children. I have grown weary of your continued anger, unhappiness and disrespectful behavior. I know with absolute certainty that this is not healthy for our children.

You have two choices, you can keep blaming me for things that are not my fault, or you can do what is best for our kids and start co-parenting. Our kids have real issues and it is our responsibility as parents to work together to address them.

Her response:

The only response I have to this is that I would never use "God damn" - hearing this is when I spanked him and "bitch" he didn't get from me.

S10 does not like violence and I don't think he should be encouraged to fight when he'd rather not, if you really knew him you'd know that it isn't his nature.

My response:

Our children will learn many inappropriate words from others. The way we respond is very important. I do not respond in anger, but rather choose to understand the root of the problem and offer more appropriate choices. This has been working well for me.

I completely understand S10 and his dislike of violence. I encourage him to stand up for himself when other people cross his boundaries. This helps builds his self esteem. No one needs to put up with a bully who tries to control them.

If we model anger resolution to our children by accessing our core values to recognize their core hurt, and then acknowledging we understand their hurt, we should be able to solve the problems in everyones best interest.

My kids are back in therapy.