#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[flowmom]

Can someone help me with mini-goals in my M?

Here are some mini-goals that I've achieved in the past couple of weeks since the separation:

• H hasn't mentioned divorce or mediation or the coparenting plan in a couple of weeks.
• H has started talking more than the bare minimum to me...occasionally tells me about things that happened with the kids
• H has told me about some future plans, to be considerate as a coparent
• H has disclosed a couple of personal things (work, sleeplessness)

Not reassuring:

• mentioning dating (trigger by my setting a boundary around honesty)
• continuing to systematically remove items from our home

Mini-goals:

• H comments on any change that I've made
• H touches me in any way
• H mentions the future in a way that indicates uncertainty (not as if the D is a done deal)
• H indicates any curiosity about my state of mind
• H initiates any activity that would involve us being together as a family

Any suggestions/refinements?

In case you're wondering, I'm working on GAL goals too.

[Onthemountaintop]

Good job on the successes. It is very hard for everyone, I think, to not talk about D for a couple weeks.

By trigger with dating, do you mean that you hit one of his buttons, and then he ended off bringing up dating? Once, I mentioned that I had looked at a dating website when I was a month away from our D becoming finalized. That brought out a lot of "irresponsible" that have yet to be fully lost. Even though nothing happened, nor was about to, it was like I told her that I was going to have and EA. I can see why you might have reacted.

If you are living apart, it makes sense that he'd be taking things. Even if he realizes that he should work on the M, if that is what God has planned, then a minimum level of comfort is needed - maybe (maybe) that is why he keeps taking things. I wouldn't sweat over it. That doesn't tell you if he is committed either way, except that comfort is important. It could be argued that he wants stuff from home to remind him of you, too, couldn't it?

For your mini-goals, are you making the situations possible for them to happen?

[courageous wife]

Flowmom-sounds like you and I are following the same path right now! I am with you on your achieved goals. So far, my H has not mentioned anything to do with OW but like your H, takes something with him everytime he is here. My mini goals are very close to the same as yours. I like what you have. This has been very hard for me to do...setting goals! I was thinking too big! I wish I had something to add!

[newmama]

Mini-goals:

H comments on any change that I've made
H touches me in any way
H mentions the future in a way that indicates uncertainty (not as if the D is a done deal)
H indicates any curiosity about my state of mind
H initiates any activity that would involve us being together as a family

Gee, Flowmom, these look pretty good! I could copy and paste them for myself, LOL!

But I wonder if there would be an order of progression? Not that you can control it but more that you don't expect him to question divorce right away...do you see what I mean? like he comments on changes first, initiates activity involving family, acts curious about your state of mind, touches you, then expresses uncertainty about divorce?

I hope I didn't confuse you!

[Cadet]

Here are some mini-goals that I've achieved in the past couple of weeks since the separation:

* H hasn't mentioned divorce or mediation or the coparenting plan in a couple of weeks.
* H has started talking more than the bare minimum to me...occasionally tells me about things that happened with the kids
* H has told me about some future plans, to be considerate as a coparent
* H has disclosed a couple of personal things (work, sleeplessness)

Why do you think that you were able to meet these goals?

[rr22]

I want my H's eyes to fill with tears less often when he sees me or we visit.


But that's just a wish! Not a goal I can help with!

Flowmom, my H and I are supposedly at uncertainty (stuck where you want to be). I get talked to more than the bare minimum now, but there's still little stated curiosity about me or my life. H4L is back in MC and there seems to be little stated curiosity about her life from her H either (if I'm not misquoting her). Also, there seems to be suspicion about my GAL even though I thought I was being transparent. A lot of stuff seems to be getting projected on me. I'm just suggesting that where you want to get to won't look exactly like you think it will when and if you get there. Good luck.

[flowmom]

By trigger with dating, do you mean that you hit one of his buttons, and then he ended off bringing up dating?

Yeah, I was asking him to be honest and I think he was taking it as I was asking me to disclose his private life even though I made it clear that that wasn't the case. I think he brought up dating to tell me to back off and give him space.

If you are living apart, it makes sense that he'd be taking things. Even if he realizes that he should work on the M, if that is what God has planned, then a minimum level of comfort is needed - maybe (maybe) that is why he keeps taking things.

Not convinced it's all about comfort. He is taking old files and his filing cabinet that he never uses, for example.

[flowmom]

Here are some mini-goals that I've achieved in the past couple of weeks since the separation:

* H hasn't mentioned divorce or mediation or the coparenting plan in a couple of weeks.
* H has started talking more than the bare minimum to me...occasionally tells me about things that happened with the kids
* H has told me about some future plans, to be considerate as a coparent
* H has disclosed a couple of personal things (work, sleeplessness)

Why do you think that you were able to meet these goals?

Basically giving him a lot of space and privacy, and acting friendly and considerate.

• haven't brought up the R once
• haven't initiated any non-parenting conversations, and even those have been minimum
• almost never phone, emails brief and strictly parenting and other business
• always greet and say goodbye to him
• smile and make eye contact when appropriate, act normal and not tense/stressed out
• leave room and don't hover
• thank him for anything that isn't the bare minimum of coparenting (DB coach recommended this and I think it's had results)
• asked him how he wants to be communicated with, asked his permission before launching into talking about something (more DB coach advice)
• asked for certain behaviours for the sake of coparenting (e.g. the kids need for us to have courteous and pleasant interactions)
• almost never ask him questions about himself or his life
• backed off on trying to micromanage his time with the kids

Thanks for asking that. It helps me to document what's working.

[flowmom]

Newmama, I think I understand what you mean about an order of progression. I guess I listed them more as: any of these would represent progress.

For your mini-goals, are you making the situations possible for them to happen?

I hope so? I'll continue doing what I've posted above.

I want my H's eyes to fill with tears less often when he sees me or we visit.

But that's just a wish! Not a goal I can help with!

I wish that MD-W had used different terminology, but I think she would call the above a goal, meaning that you would know that what you're doing is working and that your approach is leading to progress. Though I see the tears as positive. It means he is feeling vulnerable, and that seeing you is triggering feelings in him.

Flowmom, my H and I are supposedly at uncertainty (stuck where you want to be). I get talked to more than the bare minimum now, but there's still little stated curiosity about me or my life. H4L is back in MC and there seems to be little stated curiosity about her life from her H either (if I'm not misquoting her). Also, there seems to be suspicion about my GAL even though I thought I was being transparent. A lot of stuff seems to be getting projected on me. I'm just suggesting that where you want to get to won't look exactly like you think it will when and if you get there. Good luck.

Yeah. The goals in DR are supposed to be something that you would see in 1-2 weeks, and I think that the goals that I have would be a lot further off than that if they happened. Any suggestions about how to break it down into something that might realistically occur in 1-2 weeks?

[rr22]

It depends on H's level of rage and D and how you handle both. I, like many others, did not handle things well in the first month or so. So I'm not the best to give advice on that.

Talking at length but pleasantly about the most superficial of topics (but ones that are of importance to Hs (work, career)) seems to be realistic within the first month.