WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

Uh oh.... WAH is not very happy with me today cuz I hung up on him.. Not DB I know, but I'd had enough drama today and wasn't going to be yelled at any more.

He's not impressed that I never answered his email where he asked what is wrong with the custody doc version he sent... I told him it wasn't a priority for me any longer as I resolved the subsidy issue... He accused me of using the kids as a pawn (what??? not sure where he got that from)... Said that he was filing his taxes alone and if I tried to do them for him to get his refund he'd charge me with fraud.. (what? What?)

He also said that I was refusing to sign his version of custody docs because I thought that OW helped him with it... sorry.. not DB but I told him to grow up! (bring on the 2x4s)

He then started yelling louder so I just hung up on him...

Apparently he booted out of SIL house to come pick up the kids (his weekend) right afterwards, so I made a quick getaway to avoid a face to face encore.. (My mom waited for him with the kids)

I figured out today where the sudden urgency for the docs is coming from... He saw OW last weekend.. He had told me previously that their A began as a game online but then she just started asking him to "prove" everything he was claiming (not married, divorced, etc) Methinks she's getting antsy as she is in another country and him and I are within an hour of each other. She doesn't believe a word he says (SIL overheard one of their arguments when he was on the phone and from what he told her afterwards) so she's probably asking him to see the signed custody docs to prove we aren't working on the marriage...And he's supposed to spend a week with her the beginning of March..

Suddenly I KNOW I don't need to be doing anything with those documents... he wants to file for custody.. let him... I'll get my supporting stuff ready just in case...

Sorry.. I know the above is not very loving or charitable.. but I'm just so fed up with the juvenile antics already.. I am obviously not detached enough but I really need to get there as I don't want to keep getting swayed to and fro...

[DiamondGirl]

Ok.. so I've calmed down some and figure I probably blew it yet again with earlier today's incident...

How do you DB when they are slinging current-life accusations at you and not about the "horrible" marriage they left?

All of the things he's throwing out these days are so off base I don't know how to address them or set boundaries about them... He's so far from rational at the moment.. and I've tried to keep from getting on the phone with him for that reason.. I don't know what to do when he does catch me other than react... and badly... You can't rationalize with them because they're in la-la land.. so what do you do when they are accusing you of things that are off base?

Is it instinct for them to know when we're having a low-detachment day so they can strike? Or am I becoming just as paranoid as he seems to be?

Help!

[D Money]

Hanging up on him is not anti-DBing as long as you explain that you're not going to tolerate his verbal treatment of you. He has to understand that he has to treat you with respect. The most important thing is that you stay calm.

[job]

Their radar is extra sensitive and they "sense" what we are feeling. As for the hash he's slinging, it's all projections and the hurts of a little boy. I think you did well in hanging up the phone. You do not need to put yourself in the line of fire when he's ranting.

What do you do? Listen to what he says and say I'm sorry you feel that way, then either walk away or hang up. The more yo try to defend yourself and the situation, the more he's going to come at you. If it would help, change the subject real quick, that throws them off their mark and may calm him down. They want us angry and come at them because they want the justification as to why they are doing what they are doing. Turn the tables and react differently. They can't handle the change up and will then muddle through and settle down.

I'm very sorry he's acting like a 2 yr old.

[Cadet]

I agree with Money, hanging up was the best thing to do. I would stay NC with him. It is not your problem that he told lies to OW. You should do nothing that helps him out of HIS problem.

The only thing that you did that was anti-DB is you let your emotions get out of control. That is hard but it is something you can work on!

You are right that you can't rationalize with him. Don't try. Stay away from his venom. That is what is best for you.

[DiamondGirl]

Thanks everyone.. I feel better about yesterday and I didn't then nor now regret hanging up on him. I will not be treated disrespectfully by anyone least of all him.

The funny part of all this is that he is so adamant that he wants joint custody and equal decision making on major decisions and sole custody would preclude that. BUT, am I wrong or isn't long term or out of country travel considered a major decision? So either way, he'd need my consent to do either with the kids!

[SusanA]

Diamond Girl -- are you sure you're not married to my husband??? :):):)

You're from Canada, I see. So am I, and joint custody, means they continue to live with you, he gets up to 40% time, depending on how you arrange it and you work together on medical, educational, etc. decisions. Split custody, where they spend equal time with both parents can only be done if both parents agree. Sole custody is much harder to achieve.

[DiamondGirl]

Hi SusanA,

I hope I'm not married to your husband.. that would add a whole new element to things! LOL

Sole custody can be granted if you can show that the parents are unable to communicate effectively to come to decisions or one is uncooperative... and I've got emails showing him being uncooperative and turning down mediation as well as not providing me with info in a timely manner. Also, his phone calls to my work nearly got me canned so I'm building a case for it.

It isn't that he is a bad dad.. only that I can't get a decision out of him without being spewed on and can't talk to him on the phone without him being disrespectful. I am not going to sign up for years of abuse from him as I have enough on my plate trying to deal with 2 kids (1 special needs) and my mother living with me.

Also, he intends to move out of country by end of year so if we can't communicate so close to each other, how the heck can we decide things farther apart?

[DiamondGirl]

SusanA - if you're on the alt I'd love to connect with another Canuck!

[SusanA]

Hi DG, Now I understand -- I thought he was trying to get sole custody. On the traveling basis alone, you stand a good chance of getting custody.
What did you mean by alt?