PEr your comments, I want to build a relationship with her.. I feel that maybe this may be a wake up call.. She woke up this morning and I asked her how she was.. Mixed emotions.. Part of her said this is the right thing, and part the wrong thing.. She doesnt know.. as I dont either..
I did say to her that over the past year and a half that love needs to be nutured.. In her case she was living day by day and not respecting me etc. The love died because it wasnt nutured. I think I hit a soft spot when I told her this.
She did say she still loves me last night. Although not the love I want. I get that..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
I just read the thread and nothing I said will change. I can add in some other things.
Cutterbug said that NC is not equal to same bed. Not sure I totally agree but maybe. I was NC with my W for almost 6 months and we slept in the same bed at opposite sides. My timeline for my sich is VERY SHORT!!! Understand that whatever it is that you are going to do it is not going to be a quick fix. Quick fix is Divorce, goodbye, see ya later. Staying married is very hard work with maybe no visible results for months, maybe years, maybe longer. You have to decide what you want and then start to work towards that goal. No magic buttons, no tricks. If that is what your looking for it doesn't exist.
You tell us what you want we will try to help YOU reach your goal. Suggestion don't say anything or do anything with your W until you post it here and get some advice. Wait 24-48 hours, you are in no rush to do anything. Unless you are in a rush to get divorced.
Ok I will let some other people swing 2x4's at you. Try to pick one of these 2 threads to use and let the other one go.
Oldpilot.. I feel like I just detroyed any chance that I had.. I think I reacted.. Its just that I could not take the contant rejection and furthur more she has told me on more than one occasion that maybe its best to seperate.
I told her this am that this isnt a choice I want to make..
I dont want to push her away.. But she did say she understands why I did what I did.. Help me with my next step.. I am lost.. I want my marriage to survive this.. No way do I want out..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
I guess I continue to DB and read the DR book.. I need to work on me still.
My DBing etc, is it something I should continue, and do I go dim instead of dark.. I dont know. advice is very much appreciated
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Have you asked her to go to counseling with you? Or Retrouvaille? There are ways to make marriages better. But you will probably need help. Look at the Retrouvaille website, www.helpourmarriage.org, and show her the 4 stages of marriage. What you are going through is normal. Too many people don't know how to make it better and just end up getting divorced.
Lotus, Yes, I have have asked her to go to counceling with me and Retrouville. I did this much earlier and the answer was no.. Her response has always been that she wants to be alone.. I didnt push it.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
You are not Divorced yet so you need to pick yourself up dust yourself off and start to work save your marriage not destroy it.
The following is from Sandi2 she gives great advice.
I often give this list to newcomers as a guide or work plan b/c it is a summery of DB's 180's. Hope it will help.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
I guess I can still do these things after telling her that is she wants to move on thats her choice.
Those on the list are things that I was trying to do.. Not very successfull mind you, but trying.
We are still living together and I am not forcing her out. I told her that she has time to find a place.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
:I guess I can still do these things after telling her that is she wants to move on thats her choice
You can only control you. You can not control her.
Quote:
We are still living together and I am not forcing her out. I told her that she has time to find a place
These two statement seem to oppose each other. You are not forcing her out but she has to find a place. Which one is it?
Personally I would not force her out. If she chooses to leave you can not control that. You should not be making choices for her. Only for you and your children.
