My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

Thank you, as always, BeingMe. And to all who have come by to offer support. You have no idea how far I can go on an apparently small amount of support! You are all appreciated so much.

[hoosiermama]

I'm sorry--I was multitasking when I posted that last note and it sounds awful! what I meant was--I can make a little affirmation and support go a long way, so your investment is a very good one!

[sgctxok]

Driving by.......with the top down. And the sun is shining......but it's coooooooooooooooold.
HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sgctxok]

Hooszh definitely has the SHYDI grace and compassion of the late princess. You've got that down.

It's the honoring yourself and your desires.

But you also know how to get your DB successes....as your first goals have been met.

You are charming, charismatic, attractive, beautiful, warm.....no worries....it's all going to work out beautifully.

[hoosiermama]

ok, so this has been a day. leaving Valentine's Day out of it completely (I've managed to forget about it successfully most of the day),there have been a few challenges. mostly financial.
1) D14 had a volleyball game; I had to bring her uniform to her since she was with xH. I had trouble finding the place, so both of them phoned me literally every 30 seconds until I arrived. no doubt that helped me get there sooner, right?! I hate school events; xH attends, chats up old friends like he's completely without shame (because he is) and I sit by myself while he's being gregarious.
2) got ready to go to church this morning, pulled my clothes out of the dryer--and they were still wet. my dryer has quit working. no way can i afford to fix it until at least mid-April.
3) went to the drugstore to pick up my new b/p med, but found out it was $70 after insurance. obviously unable to afford that. will have to go to a cheaper drug in a different class of drugs--my doctor and I discussed this possibility--which will come with mega side effects.
4) took a long-term look at finances. I haven't yet renewed my license plates (due last May), I've been without car insurance for the past month, can't afford D14's only major extracurricular--a wonderful children's choir--and xH refuses to pay for it so it will have to end, no way to pay half of her 8th grade trip to Washington DC unless I cut out something frivolous like--oh, I dont' know, heat, electricity, water, mortgage, car payment (already a month late on all of those). I have no consumer debt besides mortgage and car payment--this is all old medical bills, utilities, and attorney fees (oh yeah, for that divorce I didn't want to begin with).

choking on irony here and trying very hard not to despair.

what was the major $$ stressor? 2 1/2 years ago I fell and dislocated my shoulder, requiring extensive surgery. then xH left, and I couldn't keep up with the co-pays I owed. one of them went to a horrific collections company which refused to take partial payments or set up a payment plan, and ended up having my wages garnished in December-January for 3 times the original amount (when court costs and their atty fees were added in). so--I'm completely at a loss as to how I'm going to make it here. xH absolutely refuses to help, thinks all child-related stuff should be split 50-50 altho he makes 250% of my salary. complains that I'm underemployed--which is probably true but I have a job that allows me to be with D14 when she's out of school. that may have to go, she may have to spend more time with her dad (especially if I end up without heat, which is possible--again). my school nurse position is grant-funded and I make new grad wages for all practical purposes; the bad thing is, if I stay with the same employer and keep benefits, I would also keep the same salary because they're on a "raise freeze" for the foreseeable future. and yeah, I"ve checked that out.

so...looks like I'm finally up against that wall. new job, less time with D14, possibly selling my house (which would be very difficult because it needs a lot of work--and I don't have the $$ to put into it). I'm trying not to panic here. also trying not to go to that place in my head that reminds me that I've put 2 husbands thru school and internships to make decent livings, and here I am with nothing. but I won't go there.

I was going to keep my wedding ring to give to D14; I've sold about all the rest of the jewelry of any value. Now I need to find a place to give me a good price on that--it's thick and heavy, and I know that gold is going for a lot/ounce right now.

[hoosiermama]

Hooszh definitely has the SHYDI grace and compassion of the late princess. You've got that down.

It's the honoring yourself and your desires.

But you also know how to get your DB successes....as your first goals have been met.

You are charming, charismatic, attractive, beautiful, warm.....no worries....it's all going to work out beautifully.

thank you, sg. I appreciate it. but I'm not seeing that "working out" part real clearly right now.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Man, I wish I knew what to say, Hoozh. I'm such a putz with finances myself, and I just FEEL for ya.

I mean, I could say "your ex-husband's a horse's ass," but I'm thinking you already know that.

Puppy

[BeingMe]

I feel for you, Hmama! Sometimes, we have to do what needs to be done, even if it means less time with our children. Here's a hypothetical for you --- what if your XH had died, and left you with nothing and let's pretend you won't have family support either and you are just as alone as you are now. What would you do then?

[hoosiermama]

If he had died...
I would still have our friends, I would still have my family. People would have circled closer and not pushed me away. I would have support and some closure, and I wouldn't worry that my daughter is being forced into a relationship with a woman she knows was involved in destroying her family. I might have a tiny bit of financial support from xH's wealthy brothers, who might have funded her choir or some projects (that their children did at her age). I would have grief, but I would have known there was love instead of becoming a non-entity and being told he never loved me.

It would have been better if he HAD died.

Practically speaking, yeah--I'd probably be in a similar situation financially. However, I think I'd have more support with practical stuff, helping out D14, that kind of thing; I'm very isolated now, even almost 2 years out. I might still have to find a job with highly inconvenient hours, true. But I'd be doing that and knowing D14 was safe somewhere she might feel comfortable and not with her father and the girlfriend she can't stand.

[hoosiermama]

What I just wrote was not intended to be a pity party. Not in the least. But I imagine some of you can relate.

Divorce--perhaps especially when one didn't want it--is a loss just as huge as a death. It ranks right up there on that Stress Scale a point or so lower than death of a spouse. But there's a level of support and compassion we receive when we are widowed that society does not provide to those left behind in a divorce. And we have feelings of shame, rejection, being discarded, being unlovable, dealing with children who are grieving and confused, and similar issues, and we will struggle with them for years to come.

A good book--The Journey from Abandonment to Hope. It helps in identifying these feelings and dealing with the grief unique to being left behind. Sometimes just identifying the feelings helps in resolving them--and that's why I mentioned all of this here. It's a complicated grief, an often unacknowledged grief (those of you who have dealt with infertility and perinatal loss, for example, understand unacknowledged grief) and for that reason alone can be very difficult to move through.