M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Well tonight was interesting. I have been nc and dbing but not great. Tonight I made dinner and dressed up. W got home and said nice shirt. She bought it. Just before we sat to eat I told her I was going out with few work people. W said really,good. W asked where and I told her a place. I really had nothing planned. I just picked up the DR book and wantedto start reading it. I left, grabbed a coffee and sat in my car for 2 hours.
Came home watched some tv and w is on FB. Again. I snuck in and noticed her chatting with 2 of the guys from work. She didn't hide it and I asked to readit. I think I got there too early as there wasn't much. W tells me to relax. I took a deep breath left the room. I thought about what to say and went back. I told her " so your having a chats with 2 guys now !!! I know my emotions took over. She said again to relax it's nothing. I couldn't read more as I was steamed. I controlled myself somewhat and left the room. She shut down FB and joined me intv room. She was pissed. I ased her why. She tells me she is not. I pushed till I got that she was upset because she feels she can't do anything without being watched. I told her the reason I acted the way I did is because ifeel disrespected in my own home when you talk to other men like that. I tell her that if it was me chatting with other women you would feel the same way. I also told her I don't care if you get mad at me for saying this but it's how I feel I then repeated I don't want to be disrespected because I don't disrespect you. We where watching Greys anatomy and I tried to put the happy face on. I probably should have left the room. I know I screwed up somewhere. Your constructive comments are welcome. Only on step 2 of the DR book.
Originally Posted By: cesco
thanks Luvless.. Its a tough one..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
I just realized how my conversation came out. I told her " when you chat with those guys I feel disrespected. Don't you see that ? ". That's where I think I screwed up.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Just before we sat to eat I told her I was going out with few work people. W said really,good. W asked where and I told her a place.
Next time, you say 'I'm going out'. You don't say with whom or where. The idea is to be vague enough that W fills in the blanks. If W is unwilling to be in M + W is unwilling to work on M = W has no right to your whereabouts.
Originally Posted By: cesco
Came home watched some tv and w is on FB. Again. I snuck in and noticed her chatting with 2 of the guys from work. She didn't hide it and I asked to readit. I think I got there too early as there wasn't much. W tells me to relax. I took a deep breath left the room. I thought about what to say and went back. I told her " so your having a chats with 2 guys now !!!
No, you don't ask to read it. You act as if you don't care. You don't comment on it. Perhaps you just shrug, as if it is so inconsequential to you, and leave the room.
Originally Posted By: cesco
She shut down FB and joined me intv room. She was pissed. I ased her why. She tells me she is not. I pushed till I got that she was upset because she feels she can't do anything without being watched. I told her the reason I acted the way I did is because ifeel disrespected in my own home when you talk to other men like that. I tell her that if it was me chatting with other women you would feel the same way. I also told her I don't care if you get mad at me for saying this but it's how I feel I then repeated I don't want to be disrespected because I don't disrespect you. We where watching Greys anatomy and I tried to put the happy face on. I probably should have left the room. I know I screwed up somewhere. Your constructive comments are welcome.
If W is angry, perhaps W should don her big gal drawers and tell you why. When you ask W what the prob is, it is seen [by her] as pushy and pursuing. If W is cold/angry but passive about expressing it [i.e., vocalizing], perhaps go to diff. area of house. It sounds like [again, to me] W is trying to bait you into a fight. And then you become the jerk who ALWAYS wants to fight and W is totally justified in her behaviour w/OM, and desire to end M.
As to OM, see Gucci and Puppy's posts about setting down boundaries. They have explained it very clearly. This will help you.
You should not reward your wife w/any sort of pursuing behaviour ESPECIALLY as she interacts w/OM in your home. Shut her down, plant the seed of doubt in her mind. Show her that you aren't going to wait patiently for her to get tired of OM and then maybe, when that's out of her system, come back to you. [/quote]
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Ruined, I didnt see it at the time as Pushy or pursuing.. Its funny how this takes alot of training to recognize when it is and isnt.. I see your point and point taken.
whats funny is she slept on the coach till about 1:30 am.. ( she loves sleeping on the coach.. Then came to bed and actually rested her body against mine.. Nothing sexual or anything like that, but she usually curls up on her own side, nowhere to be touched.
This morning of course, the "ice queen" returned.. I dont get it..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
My wost and finally hit rock bottom. I tried db and nc. Probably didn't give it enough time and may regret this. Last night I told her that the day has come. It's over, I told her we are to go our separate ways. Told her that I will make an appointment with the bank to separate everything. Open separate bank accounts etc. I also told her that was not leaving because this was not something I wanted. It's her choice. Kids stay here untill we figure this out. She said that I should go. Told her no. It's not my choice to leave. It happened so fast. Now what !!! I don't want this but as I told her don't want to sleep with a person who doesn't love me back. Told not to sleep in same bed. I know she is scared as am I. I don't know if this was the right thing. I hope this was an awakening for her. We did this very civil. No harsh words or high voice. Basically 50 /50. I can't believe it. I am numb. She wanted this. Told me this. I said I must let you go. I let her know that the window has a crack open. I told her it's about me and the kids now.
Really. Now what
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
This feels so wrong what I did.. I hope this doesnt back fire on me... I dont want this to end.. I love her more than anything... I feel for my kids..
I hope that this fog lifts for her..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Take a deep breath. Relax. I know that it is next to impossible to do what I just said. But you need to focus on getting yourself under control. Kind of like in an airplane when you put on your own oxygen mask first. The you can start to look around after that.
Try to keep to one thread. Don't start another one with the same post.
Quote:
I tried db and nc. Probably didn't give it enough time and may regret this.
You started posting 9 days ago. You didn't give anything any time. You can't db and nc in 9 days. There are no magic buttons to this. If you want to get D then it sounds like you are doing a great job.
Is that what you want???
Have you read DB book or DR book.
Read this link on detachment. Start to work on this.
Yes, I read the DB book and part way done the DR book.. I feel so bad..
NO I DONT WANT THIS TO END!!.. I dont want a divorce or separate.. I told her that as well.. I am hoping that she will come to realize and get out of the fog..
I bought the DB book over a month ago.. I only recently signed up, but activly DBing longer. All the signed pointed to this.. I couldnt take the rejecting even after I was doing the opposit. There is only so much one can take. I know its tough love I guess. I realize I maybe pushy...
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
