Keep The Sound Advice Coming!

[25yearsmlc]

I'll re-read your last post b/c it was confusing and I didn't see anythine manipulative or weird in what she JUST wrote.

I DO think the unwillingness to drive 30 min, AND to bring a 3rd party to observe the drop off was very odd. Why would she do that, according to HER? Meaning, what reason, rational or not, does SHE give for such distrustful behavior?

Pick your battles well. Not everything is worth fighting about. But again, I'm missing something here. What's the big deal in the drop off time? And why are YOU the only one driving? I could see it if you had decided to leave your family and move away and that you'd be stuck paying the cost of flights, etc. but you moved pursuant to her request and it's only 30 min away and isn't what's best for the boys, the test?

j-

[25yearsmlc]

First, I just want to say how much it means for me to be on here again and that you have taken your time to talk with me. I have a hard time talking with my family about this now. As much as they are in support of me, I think they also can only handle so much and I already feel like and incredible burden.

Second, I would like to add to the novel:

- so I filed for divorce on May 6th. 2009
- On the day I filed for divorce I was in my lawyers office when he called my wife to tell her that I would be filing and that she could not leave to go anywhere whith the boys. My older son was at my parents house and my younger son was with her at her daycare buisness. Well she flipped out and hung up on the lawyer. My lawyer told me to go emediately to the bank and take out a few thousand dollers. We only had a few thousand, so I took half. I then went to my parents house, where I was called by the respondent wanting to know where older son was and that I was to bring him to here right now. By the way she was screaming and swearing at me the whole time. I told her that I would be bringing him home in about an hour and would pick up a pizza. She screamed at me and told me she would be moving her mom into the house until she moved out. Yeah! A few minutes later my lawyer calls me to see if everything is ok because my wife had called his office and yelled at them and hung up and then her mom did the same. He then advised me to not go home that night and that my son and I would be better off if we let her cool off for one night. I was concerned for my younger son, but I knew she wouldn't hurt him.

The next day my son and I retuned to the house. Upon walking in the door I was greeted by my mohter in law video taping me. She proceded to follow me through the house. I went into my room and found that it had been torn apart and things of mine were taken.

For the next ten days it went like that. I found out that the reason for the video taping of me was to try and build some case that I was going to freak out and they needed to record it. You see her the respondent changed tactics at that point and began to try and paint me as an abuser that she was afraid of. That's how she justified her mom being in the house.

- May 16th. 2009. she moves out of our family home while the boys were with me. The boys and I came home to an empty house. If I had not thought ahead and prepared for the possibility that she might take everything, we wouldn't even have had pots and pans to cook with. The house was empty! That was hard to explain to my sons.

- At that point I had no job nor the money to get a place to live. In addition, Our house was supposed to be vacated completely on that day. I stayed for two more weeks. One night a man knocked on the door and I was served with a three day notice to vacate the house, The boys watched. Another night, while sitting on the living room floor the man came again to serve me eviction paper, but I didn't answer the door. I had to tell the boys to be quiet so that he would not know we were in the house. That sucked!

- June 1st. I moved into my fathers house. I have been here since, thank GOD!

- she also tried to screw me out of fathers day weekend. She told the little men that they didn't have to spend fathers day with me if they didn't want to.

- June 22 was our first court date. She was ordered to pay me 1800 a month in spousel support and we were to share custody of our sons pending a custody evaluation.

In her papers she claimed that I was verbally and emotionally abusive to her and our sons. That I was to harsh with my sons and had to high of expectations of them. She said she was afraid for them when they were with me and wanted full physical custody of them. This was her stategy.

I was terified! Her claims were so untrue that it shocked me to my core. My family who had watched us and made their opinion of our relationship and us as parents were also shocked. There characterization was that I was somewhat if not totally whipped and that she ordered me around essentially. As for being a father, they said that I was one of the most kind and attentive fathers they had observed. (now this is my family,so it must be taken with a grain of salt.)

- One week after being ordered to pay me family support the respondents lawyer files a moting for relief from paying any support to me, claiming hardship and that her buisness was not making ecough money.

- She didn't provide any money for over a month and when she did it was for 500 bucks, not the 1800 ordered.

- Mid July the custody evaluation occurs.
- this consisted of my going alone to speak with the evaluator for one hour. In which, I essentially told her my side of the story of how we got here and how important my role as a father was to me.
- she had a meeting with the evaluator as well.
- then I took the little men to see the evaluator and then the respondent did as well.

- August:
- Finally get back the evaluation for custody. The evaluator characterized me as being intelectual and therough. She felt that the little men were slightly more affectionate with her than with me, but they were more respectful and well behaved with me than with her. She said that the respondent and somewhat trouble controling the little men and seemed stressed.

Since then we have gone to court a several times. It was determined that we should share legal and physical custody. THIS WAS BY FAR THE MOST IMPORTANT AD MEANINGFUL NEWS I HAVE HAD AlL YEAR. My sons mean everything to me. I am a family man's family man. I love being a father!!!!!!!!

I filed three counts of contempt of court against her for not paying the court ordered family support as well as not paying for the CPA to evaluated the buisness.

Unfortunately her strategy to not pay me and let the buisness go to hell paid off. The family support was decreased from 1800/month to 250/month. She was to begin paying me this amount in October. Since then she has paid a total 240 back in Nov. and 100 on Friday.

NOW I HAVE MORE TO ADD ABOUT THE TOLL ON MY SONS AND WHAT SHE HAS PUT THEM THROUGH. AS WELL AS HER CAMPAIN OF PARENTAL ALIENATION THAT SHE CONTIUES TO USE ON THEM.

ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE FOR ME! I HOPE I CAN RETURN IT TO YOU SOMEHOW.

am more caught up. So she owes you money? Seems so. Pretend for the sake of this argument, that you are a woman who put her h thru school and now HE makes a bunch of money and does not want to pay...and now HE underearns..well my friend, TOUGH. She has to pay you based on what she CAN earn, not what she willingly decides to decrease it to. Get a tough L...this is one issue I'm sure of as I am M to a doctor and had to prepare for the poss of HIM doing something like that if he went nuts on me. He didn't and we're together but I DID make sure of that with my L. This is CAL and income that has been earned int eh past is the biggest factor but if the economy changed her income it's diff. I don't believe it's the economy but HER so be tough on that and get the damn $$ you helped her earn, so YOU can provide for the boys as she is more interested in herself than protecting them...and your mil is as nutty as she is. Do NOT FUEL ANY OF THE ANGER ISSUES SHE'S CLAIMING...no matter what, it is crucial you remain calm...always.
j-

[working on me]

Why would she do that, according to HER?
Meaning, what reason, rational or not, does SHE give for such distrustful behavior?

She actually never gave a reason to anyone. The story line she has chosen to take is that I am in some way not to be trusted. That I may "do something", she has ground to stand on there. My belief is that she had brought her mother along as support. In addition, it has become clear that her mother is coaching her on how to handle things. At all of our court apperances the respondent brought her mother. On one of the occassions the respondent was texted someone in the courtroom while her mother sat next to her paying attention to what was happening in court. It was like watching a 16yr. old with her mother handling her affairs.

Pick your battles well. Not everything is worth fighting about. But again, I'm missing something here. What's the big deal in the drop off time? And why are YOU the only one driving? I could see it if you had decided to leave your family and move away and that you'd be stuck paying the cost of flights, etc. but you moved pursuant to her request and it's only 30 min away and isn't what's best for the boys, the test?

I have been the only on driving because during the school year the little men are essentially exchanged at school. It is what's best for the boys that is the gold standard. That is why I have since day one told her that I would only drop them off where they are going to actually be. Either at their other home, her house, or at school. Unfortunately, the respondents position continues to be, "I understand that you disagree with exchanging the boys at the halfway point, but I will continue to do so and if you choose to drive them the whole distance that is your choice."

[working on me]

Yesterday I picked up the little men. The way it works is that I pick up s4 at noon and S8 at 3. So, once again S4 talks vaguely about his mom with me. This time he talks about the fact the she now smokes cigeretes at her home on the porch and in th car. Unfortunate modeling in my opinion, but not my buisness. So I asked him how it makes him feel when he sees her smoke, I want him to feel I am validating his feelings. He says he doesn't like it and that it smells and is bad for her. Not really knowing what to say, I respond with, it sounds like it upsets you and I'm sorry you have to see that.

There has been many things the little men have brought up over the past several months. One of the worst being the fact that both boys know and have used in my presence the F-word. S8 asked me one day if I knew what the F-word was out of the blue. I said I think I know what word he is talking about, but I didn't ever want to hear him say it. He obviously wanted to talk about it though and pushed the issue. He said well maybe you don't know which F-word it is. SO I said spell it and he did. I repeated that I don't ever want to her him say it, and that I realize he will hear things from kids that are both unsafe and inappropriate, but should never repeat or do these things. That he needs to think critically and make good choices. He replied with, I didn't hear it at school I heard it from mom. CLASSY!

Just venting

[working on me]

Why would she do that, according to HER?
Meaning, what reason, rational or not, does SHE give for such distrustful behavior?

She actually never gave a reason to anyone. The story line she has chosen to take is that I am in some way not to be trusted. That I may "do something", she has no ground to stand on there. My belief is that she had brought her mother along as support. In addition, it has become clear that her mother is coaching her on how to handle things. At all of our court apperances the respondent brought her mother. On one of the occassions the respondent was texted someone in the courtroom while her mother sat next to her paying attention to what was happening in court. It was like watching a 16yr. old with her mother handling her affairs.

Pick your battles well. Not everything is worth fighting about. But again, I'm missing something here. What's the big deal in the drop off time? And why are YOU the only one driving? I could see it if you had decided to leave your family and move away and that you'd be stuck paying the cost of flights, etc. but you moved pursuant to her request and it's only 30 min away and isn't what's best for the boys, the test?

I have been the only on driving because during the school year the little men are essentially exchanged at school. It is what's best for the boys that is the gold standard. That is why I have since day one told her that I would only drop them off where they are going to actually be. Either at their other home, her house, or at school. Unfortunately, the respondents position continues to be, "I understand that you disagree with exchanging the boys at the halfway point, but I will continue to do so and if you choose to drive them the whole distance that is your choice."

I foundbthe typo above - she has no ground to stand on. That is why the custody evaluator made the determination that she did.

Thanks 25yearsmlc for looking in. I had always found your insight and advice well grounded and extremely valuable.

[working on me]

The respondent emailed me today and finally explained why she had not got back to me about the holiday schedule. She says that she wants to make changes the agreement that we had made last October, but wanted to do so in person with a co-parenting counselor.

I frankly just don't get it. Why can't we just decide these things on our own, or just continue on with the agreement we made and the court recognizes as being the agreement we made. In addition, I certenly don't have the money to pay for a co=parenting counselor to be witness to negotiations and agreements she and I can handle. Now I know I am only speaking for myself, maybe she doean't feel we can. She is the type of person who will do things because she knows people are watching, not because it is necessary or just the right thing to do.

She claims to have no money to pay me family support. She told me she can barely afford her $2000/month rent, food, her electric bill and phone bill. Yet she is willing to spend hundreds for a co-parenting councelor.

[goldeylox]

Perhaps she is playing games in the Roast Beast's head.
For changing the locks and telling D13 a lie.
Yeah, I'm a little pissed.
But I forgive quickly. I am clear in my mission today. I'm taking a little trip out of town soon. To visit a friend.

[working on me]

So the respodnent has told me through email that the reason she never responded to my requests about the holidays is because she wanted to speak to me in person. She wants us to attend co-parenting counseling in order to resolve the holiday issue.

A little backgound in case you don't know:

-Back in October she and I went to a mediator to work out a holiday schedule for us and the little men.
-we agreed on some holidays, but not all
-the issues we did not agree on were dealt with by the mediator, after considering both our wishes.
-in the end a holiday schedule was adopted and agreed upon by both of us.
-if we were to make any changes to that holiday schedule we would both have to agree to it in writing and sign the agreed upon change.

So initially the Thanksgiving Holiday would have been just that day and the little men would return to the parent that would have normally had them that weekend on Friday. Later, both the respondent and I agreed that that holiday should be the whole four day weekend. So, she took them for the whole weekend telling me that she would sign an agrremnt letter, but never actually did. Then the Martin Luther King holday came up last month and the little men were to be with me. unfortunately I read the agreement incorrectly and apparently she did as well and the little men stayed with her for the entire weekend. In order to resolve the issue I proposed to her that we simply make an agreement to exchange my year with them with hers.

She never respnded and now tells me that the reason she didn't respond is because,"I understand you would like to know about MLK. I would prefer to talk to you about it in person which is why I was wondering if you had contacted the co parenting counselor. I'm just not sure if it is a holiday worth messing the kids schedule up over. If we had read the report correctly the kids would have had their schedule changed a lot to accommodate it and I just don't know if it is a holiday that is worth doing that for. That is what I wanted to discuss with you."

More background on that statement: She had come up with this idea during mediation that if one parent were to have to give up a holiday weekend due to the fact that the little men were to be with the other parent, the days that parent lost would have to be made up. Now the mediator and I thought this was an incredibly difficult way of dealing with the scenereo logistically, but in the end the respondents idea was adopted. Now what I think is happening is the repodent once again wants to change all the ideas she came up with. As welll as abolish an agreed upon holiday. I just don't get it, as well as the fact that she wants me to pay money I don't have so that these issues can be worked out with a co-parenting counselor.

It's important to understand that I have had to borrow nearly 15 thousand dollers from my father and still owe my lawyer another 5 thousand dollers to deal with my divorce and portect my rights as a father. I make less than a thousand dollers a month, she doesn't and hasn't payed me the court ordered family support and now refuses to communicate with me except through a co-parenting counselor. I am truly at a loss!!!!!!!

My father told me last week that he would no longer lend me anymore money.

I just don't know what the hell to do anymore. I feel like I just can't get my head above water and she just wants to drag me down deeper.

[working on me]

So here is the latest:

I decided to email the repondent about the holiday schedule. I proposed that we just change the schedule to say that exchanges should occur on the tuesday after a monday holiday so the little men wouldn't have to do an exchange on the holiday. In addition, I sent her a paper stating such and asked her to print it and sign it prior to today.

Then the texting began...... I hate it when the texting occurs! She is like a sixteen year old when it comes to texting.

Anyhow, she said that she agreed to my proposal, but would not give me the signed paper until wed. So, I told her, " I am concerned that I will not get the paper from her agreeing. You have told me you would give me the one for thanksgiving, yet haven't. So if we are to make any changes it needs to be in writing and signed today and I can pick it up somewhere outside your house. Otherwise we can just continue with tomorrows normal exchange." - My concern was that she would tell me she would agree, keep the little men for an extra day and then never keep her end of the deal.

She responed with," I said I will have the paper signed for you on wed, and I will. It's up to you wether or not you want to believe me. This really should come down to whats best for the boys and not wether I can make it to a printer or not. Let me know what you decide."

Nice how she fails to recognize that she made an agreement with me months ago, told me several times she would give it to me, yet still hasn't.

So I responded," I agre, this is about what's best for our sons. I choose to make choices based on your actions. Please let me know if you are willing to give me the agreement today. I feel that all agreements should be handled prior to the event. I apologize for not sending you the proposal earlier."

You see it was just a few days ago that she emailed me saying that she wanted to drop off the boys at school on tuesday instead of exchanging them on monday. So I thought it through and felt it would be best to change it so that all monday holidays should occur without an exchange of the little men.

She responded," I can't get to a printer today. You chose to respond till this morning and now you expect me to rearrange my schedule to accomidate your need to have the paper signed ahead of time. It is your call on how you want to handle this. It;s not the boys fault that you chose to handle this until the last minute, nor is it their fault that I don't have access to a printer. Please make your decision based on what I have already said. I cannot do it any differently as far as the paper goes."

I respond," Why don't you just write down what I had written, no more- no less, sign it and have that ready for me. problem solved."

She responds," I do not want to take the time to write it up. You can trust that I will give you the paper on wed. or not. You need to let me know if you are comfortable with this."

I gave it a lot of thought, because I have been burned before. Part of me felt that if I set a boundary with her I need to stick with it. Otherwise she will continue on with this behavior. On the other hand, I felt that she did say she would do it in writing, and it would look bad for her if she failed to follow through yet again. So in the end I decided to reluctantly trust her.

Any thoughts on this exchange. How could I have done it better or what did I do alright. I realize I did wait until the last minute, but she didn't bring it up to me until tuesday of this week when I had the little men with me and worked. I needed to take a good look at the holiday schedule and see how it would all work out. I feel its important to not rush into an agreement with her that will be in writing.

[25yearsmlc]

WOM,

tell you the truth, this whole drop off/holiday stuff is too complicated & detailed for me to follow. But it sounds like it's a lot of her being in control and not having money YET costing more...and NOT paying what SHE owes you. Are you saying that a court ordered her to pay you more, but she failed to comply? Why wasn't she found in contempt of court?
Think of that CS money as the boy's that she is wasting, and not "yours" and get your ego out of the way. I'd say the same thing if you were a woman.

IF she refused to pay and then rehashes yet another matter, why not suggest that you are NOT the one " in contempt of court" and that you wish she'd comply with written agreements AND OR oral agreements and naturally you are skeptical as it appears she can do neither. It appears to me (and correct me if I'm wrong) that SHE is the one proposing 90% of the changes to agreements after the fact so YES you are not too keen on another change, paying for it, only to have her change her mind again and again as you and the boys need stability and be able to plan things LIKE A LIFE and she can make all the adjustments from now on, etc NOT to punish, but to provide predictability in a world of instability around them...??

Let her pay for that. I mean financially speaking.

BTW I would not pay another cent for anything SHE asks for, (as opposed to things the boys need AND that she should not bear more responsibility for) until she is in compliance with court orders...enough said. But regardless, stay on message, keep it short and above ALL else, remain calm in front of her and the boys. Don't quibble so much.

Say nothing desparaging about her to them, ever. You will WIN so much more in the short and long run-- and besides, in states like California, "parental alienation" (=bad mouthing the other parent, in front of the kids) can cost a parent custody...no joke. It is VERY frowned upon....(you might want to let your w know that too....) As for her cussing, don't judge. You don't know what the heck the boys are thinking. IF you act critical or teach them that "she's wrong" then they may fear your reaction or let her comments about your temper, get to them. IN other words it could fuel their fears when she plants negative seeds in their minds. You can always say "Don't disrespect your mother" ....and if they say 'why can't we live together", etc you say "your mother and I decided we cannot do that, but we both love you very much" and leave it at that.

YES I know there are some who want the WAS to be the one to "Admit" that they are the one who is leaving (ie admit they are "wrong") But what the kids want is NOT assignment of blame, but assurances that you both are still in their lives and love them...plus there is NO WAY they won't figure out the truth down the road anyhow....someday when they are much older, you can say you didn't want this...but for now, stop with the "I"m sorry you had to hear that" etc.

Maybe smoking in their faces isn't healthy and you have the right to object to that but no more needless commentary about how you "empathize"....I mean, come on. IF you tell them you don't like a word being used, say no more...

Does your L think it'd hurt you to earn more now pending resolution of financial matters?? How do you feel about your L?
J-