I have seen it where it's been posted we do things that prolong our spouses MLC.
Other than the R talk which got most of nowhere and staying out of the line of fire...
Whatelse?
You are asking WHAT we do that can prolong their MLC?
You tell us what you think.
I'm not being obtuse on purpose, just trying something new with you. Giving you advice seems like sink to me. Now if you figure it out on your own...maybe it might stick.
No the advice is sticking had to get past the shock and devastation first. I'm still not quite right mentally (foggy) and I accept but don't accept this divorce either, but it's happening.
Right now how I feel, I'd rather be consistent and keep my word, I don't know how I will do it, but I want her to keep the house.
Do not be obtuse on this Jack.
If given the opportunity, no I talk means, ask about her, but DO NOT offer anything about myself or how I feel, right?
I was moved to a new position in the dealership today.
I wanted to stay in sales to prove myself, but those people have been so good to me, ok I'll move, think it could be helpful, keeping me busy.Besides to go from the level I was at and be mentally, emotionally crushed, I am stronger inside and definately a lot more empathetic, but I am not acting or looking as strong as use to. I am a lot more quiet or soft spoken person and yes I've sold a couple cars, but I'm a shell of the salesperson I was.
BUT I AM BETTER OR BETTER INTENTIONED IN OTHER AREAS,so part of me says you know what 'em.
Guess what I'm trying to say is I am more sane and know what's right more than ever, just have so much bs to overcome, this is not going to be an easy climb and my temples just pound, I have had this crazy feeling in my head since the night she asked me to leave.
I know I'm nailing it in son's life and parents of bb team like me a lot. Parent told me tonight she has just as much fun watching me as watching the game, she said a lot of parents enjoy watching, no I'm not cocky or rude OK SO I'VE HAD A COUPLE TECHNICALS and warnings.Not Bob Knight stuff, just I use what made me successful professionally and turned it towards the game and kids a stunt i pulled during last wks game, my wife laughed. I SAW HER! I did enjoy flipping her off in that you know scratch your head while on the sidelines that only one knew was me.I do crack myself up sometimes.Kids call it embarrassing. For example yesterday D was berating me, so I acted like I got stabbed in the chest and laid down in public, people walked around me, are you ok, yeah i'm fine, my daughter over there stabbed me in the heart.She walked over and I yelled help she's going to kick me while I'm down.:)
I'm going to be in the detail dept. Allows me the flexibility I need, my mind like I just posted still isn't right, I'm forgetful as hell. Came to duplex last nite, I had left the door open the whole day.
I bought a memo pad, i right stuff down now.Still haven't put the laundry away:)But I have a crap load of goals.Ha
Kid cnslr left me a message, has me concerned I quote"AYK you made the right decision not to come last night.Talked to D for an hr ur ex, loved that term, for a 1/2 hr.Curious to get your side of the story, want to see you by yourself, before I decide who will bring D to her next session."
Now let me get this right, I am not divorced yet, I have maxed a cc to file motions so I can get my kids into counseling and she's curious about my side of story?!
Yeah I know what happened, like what's been happening, wife has twisted something and D has followed suit.
Months ago, I told everyone not keeping or passing on emails or texts. That went out the window in December, forwarded emails to atty and the shrink. The texts though I deleted 'em, I'm saving the good ones now. Jan I started documenting not a novel, but quotes that the kids have said, etc.
My wife bar none has talked smack on me to everyone, she and I knew mutually. What really bothers me though is what all she has told the kids and how she has handled herself with me in front of the kids.
That is why I was struggling when you all said breathe, etc. It really was and is, what happened to her, bring her back, it wasn't that bad, it was actually pretty good.
But even then she and D's relationship and her being lax with D and hanging with that neighbor bothered me.
So I'm not angry at her for this MLC, but I am for how she is D's best friend vs parent and breaks every boundary I try to make and then really if I had pulled the same s**t with a female anything, she would've filed the moment she saw the first text.
D and I had a WIN/WIN tonight, but she is so mean, asked her on a date tomorrow nite, berated me, it's something everybody but my wife all go "OH D" as they're mouths drop at how mean she is.Loved how D said well at least we got this figured out, could've stayed with mom tonite, said btw, did you tell your mom where you were until you decided to tell me, she said yes, said tell you what next time on my nights or days, I don't know where your at and your mom does or if I call and text and you don't respond back, I pay for your phone, i can choose not to.I also don't make plans for you or ok stuff you want to do when you should be with mom right, exactly give me the same courtesy. I used my soft voice and I used the U of mngt,just afraid how long this post is going to be the moment i hit submit.
Ok anyway seriously, we know what the mlc'er is doing.
what are otherways not to prolong this for them. Because I have 6 mo's worth of pushing to undo.
I love her, she is so selfish and she and her mom are not right.
Anyway, D's been riding me about freedom and said the cnslr that i filed the motion for and paying for said her and I's relationship isn't healthy.
Police dropped D off of course it was my wkend, she and girlfriend flat played me, went to wifes house with wife out of town, had party, fight ensued whatever.
Doesn't matter vs my better judgement,but trying to get her and I going, I got hosed, just like when she smoked here.
3 am cops left I flat f'ing came unglued. 10pm I have a pastor over, we pray for all of us, I text her be good, not going to ask please, she said I know Dad, love you.
That's how she repays me.
I SPANKED THE EVER LIVING HELL OUT OF HER, I grabbed her not to hurt, but she wasn't going to run. AND I BENT HER OVER MY LAP AND I WENT OFF ON THAT RIGHT BUTT CHEEK OF HERS UNTIL MY HAND HURT.
Today she's admitting a spanking but last night it was hit me, I am about at the end of my rope with her and wife.
I laid down with D wrapped around her we woke at about 10.
I'm back to love/logic with her, she said that's how she'd rather learn said great let this divorce get final, but have to quit burying me.
Speaking of bury, she and wife are so against me, she said Dad, you made a decision for me, I didn't want to go to cnslg,YEAH RIGHT AND YOUR MOM'S NOT HAVING A MLC,"That I made sure it would backfire on you Dad, Mom said I didn't need to go, you didn't ask me, I made sure I was going to pay you back."
I told her the truth, D love you, love ur mom, don't like any of this, but here it is another day, that u or she has flat F'd me. Call ur mom, she gets back in town, pick you up, you clean up what u did at the house and honey love you, but our relationship is not healthy to me, I'm not even selling cars.
Told D, really I'm at wits end, did nothing but put the 3 of u ahead of myself and 2 most important girls in my life determined to ruin me and my good name.
I had her right down what she wants I wrote down what I want, I wrote down her input, I'll show it to the cnslr that really wants my side of the story, D doesn't know it.
Told D all she's doing is making the fact going to fight for her harder.Not hurting her now,it will when ur 25 yrs old and wake up n go maybe i shouldn't have been that way, but right now I love you, but I don't like you, read her list, read my list made notes and gotta love a teen "we're good."
My butt, we're good. Who knows what tomorrow will bring...
New job, I'm talking to that cnslr, just documenting the stuff D and wife pull.
I'm a tough s o b. But man this is nuts, it was bad enough when we were married.
Oh cops had to drop her off, because I didn't hear the phone, Dang it!!Anyway there was a text from wife, I let her know, did spank her, did take her phone, DO NOT TALK TO ME, be her friend, I am going to parent.
This am another text is she ok?does she have her phone?and something else, replied with all yeses and texted what cops told me to her, think only thing about me was I laid with D all night, and D acted the same to me as did to her on Tgiving when wife brought her to me at 2 am.
Reread chap 9 of teenage love languages.
I am totally in a Win/Lose relationship in all of this.
I'll be allright, it's got to get better, I mean this stuff has got to be happening for a reason.
What really mad at is just like work, the drama has got me where didn't get anything done, it's almost 3 pm and not one thing on my to do list is done.
I really was hurt,scared,worried,embarrassed,paniced,angry,SCARED OF HELL OF OUR FAMILIES FUTURE,all in like a milisecond all these thoughts.
D was right about one thing, I went flipping crazy last nite for about 2 minutes, I put a whole in the wall right as cops left, she made a comment about something else and asked for her phone to call her friends,her mom and tried to walk out the front door, I did, I grabbed her and told listen good, you got this coming and you've had it coming for a long f'ing time, I didn't hold back on the swears.
I blistered her butt, how I missed the studded belt she had on, precision A MOMENT OF CLARITY.
My D she missed the point, it's not her fault, she has always been selfish and demanding, it's a mental thing with her, so unlike with most kids, it really does fall on deaf ears.She didn't see that she did anything wrong, forget the spanking she was more upset I had her phone and mom would understand and mom would rescue her and let her do what she wants.
I had nothing but nightmares about the Divorce, seeing my kids, all of this, even a real good one bad dream of wife and her family enjoying the vindictiveness, process and really just knocking the heck out of me.
It also hit, wtf, I'm taking BP medicine for someone else, I didn't care about my BP, wife did, I'm out what's that matter, looked at a bunch of stuff I've done for all of them.
OH I DID NOT GET THE WIFE A VALENTINES DAY CARD,I DID NOT HAVE THE KIDS GET HER A VALENTINES DAY CARD.
Kids didn't get me one, I got the kids cards and of course made a credit card purchase for them to have something.
Something else on this vent, truth hurts and to me it was just another jab, but my dad talks to wife at bball game she has him over before she goes out of town.
he calls me about it, i said what?why you telling me, you can go there, i can't, you can see the kids when you want i can't,why would you tell me she's going out of town, did i ask, why couldn't you drop the gifts you got the kids for vd day with me.
His reply Look Son her Beef is with you, not me.
like i said truth hurts.
other than telling d i love her mom and she probably needs to go over there and clean up, i haven't mentioned wife.
broke my streak of one wk of nc with wife on my part, again she's called or texted and i haven't responded, had it made if 2 things, I didn't let D go out or if she hadn't done what she did. Chicken/Egg kinda thing or I'm just having one heck of a streak of bad luck.
I will get this figured out. Knew texts to wife about what happened with D was too much of a story, but I was not calling her and if it was important enough to her, IT IS HER HOUSE, she says, she would've called.
I KNOW the only people I trust are the ones on this board and that's really it.
Breathe....First understand, and then be understood.
I understand your parenting frustration....but did your reaction gain you anything? Do you think it made the situation with your daughter better?
Would it have been better to have asked the police to just take her to the jail for the night? Think about what might have been the better course of action.
I realized the othernight, it's not D's fault. She just is not all the way there, mentally.But she had that spanking coming, without a doubt, she had it coming. Second time she's hosed me, first the dope, then the cops bringing her over here.She plays this I don't let her do anything, I do and she gets me. She has a selfishness and meaness like her mother right now.
She did not do anything someother teen may try, but big difference when she does it on night I'm suppose to have her and I am fighting for time with her as it is.
She has some type of built in resentment vs me and I can relate, feel the same way bout my dad. Love him, but he drives me nuts and he sets me off like no ones business when he tries to tell me what to do. I am conscience of that, so I have tiptoed with D, but nothing has worked. Later Sunday she said we're "good." And nothing may not work, when I was a teen I had nothing to do with my parents, I got that, but I didn't do drugs or have sex, now she hasn't had sex, but ok well the only difference btween she and I, is I didn't get caught and like her wanted my own consequences vs someone telling me the consequences, so i know where she is coming from, what is frustrating is she can not see that I know where she is coming from.But the disrespect, that is mom related.Those two are best friends, there is not a thing wife did not or has not confided in D.
Started the new job at store today, amazing right back where I was 19 yrs ago, broke, single and detailing cars. Funny thing is dealership wants me to work 55 hrs a wk. I do want out of the car business.
I regret how much time I missed, oportunities I missed, it does not seem right if it comes to date someone else, I didn't date my wife enough.
I went and played another poker tournament tonite, I won. Now get this, I can't win a neighborhood game and these wins have not been skill by any means. All gut shots.
I'm not sure if this ADD med is right, I miss my old self, this one is a lot smarter and softer, but I miss the feeling of no meds, no broken heart.
I can tell you this, I have not enjoyed one minute of this experience.
I spent time with a man that had a MLC,he stayed married, never left, testy, no libido, got a mcycle, very depressed he said it was not unusual for him to be in bed for a wk, didn't know why he felt the way he did, but no one could tell him what was wrong, "because they had the problem." His turned out to be that andro something or other, within wks of hormones he was back and better than ever.Took three years and a checklist in a Dr's office because he had all kinds of health issues hitting.
Then met a LBS, whose spouse got all the toys, divorced, they've been divorced 2.5 yrs, he just called her out of the blue and asked her out, she told me she already has moved on, new boyfriend, she said it was easier because they had no kids and she said most woman can move on faster, don't know about that. she knew he was having a mlc, they were married 12 yrs, she grieved for 6 months and well rest is history.
Reading the Amy thread has helped, especially the post where she wrote she really did not like her husband.
I'm hurting like most of you, this really sux, and not so much that i can't be an individual, i'm doing good at that, even if it is just sitting at the duplex, i'm not looking for company from the opposite sex if that makes sense.
I know the only chance she and I have and kids is if I let her go, I'm struggling inside myself with the letting go part or at least of the old marriage, but I sure am not pushing anything with wife.
I haven't done it yet, but I was moved to put my wedding ring back on, I took it off the night she popped me one, I took it off because if she saw me at the bball games, I didn't want her to see it as pressure, I want to wear it, I love her, but I also believe in our family and marriage.
Not asking you to make a decision for me only if you agree it would be considered pressure.
I have referred to our house as just the st address with her the past couple months, it's not a home anymore or our house, she uses the term My as in it's hers, it's my way of saying it's not a home and I'm sure as heck not going to be like her and the kids, atty's when they refer to it as being her house, Not to sound like a jerk, but it was a home, I paid for it and my stuff is still there.Just an odd thought.But I really haven't talked much last couple wks.
Back to other questions, The as if, no I talk, minimum contact, right now i prefer none, not because don't love her, just want her to get thru this thing.She's a smart one, so validating with I understand or I know your frustrated has only had my butt handed to me for "validating and playing mind games."So have some ideas on different way to validate if get opportunity.
You keep applying the wrong reasons to the right question! The space is for YOU and the side consequence is she gets what she wants. The more you separate yourself from her emotional instability the better YOU will feel. It does sound counter-intuitive, but it works. It is a Win/Win situation.
My parents didn't raise me with a strict set of rules...there was only one real rule. If I got in serious trouble...I would end up paying the price. Of course they weren't going to be the ones dealing the price...it would be the natural consequences. I can tell you...if I had shown up with cops at the door...I would have been going to jail for the night. Just the natural consequence of my actions. They didn't force their life on me...they let me live my life and pay the prices when they needed to be paid.
There are different opinions on wearing rings. My stance is that by wearing my band represented MY commitment to the vows I took at marriage. Nothing to do with my wife or our marriage...just the vows I committed to. So it was a personal thing...not a "I am married" thing. Can it place pressure on the WAS...yes....but that is not why I wore it and I could care less what she thought about it....it was purely for ME.
Amy is a good read...so is Sandi2. Both give a very good look into the world of a WAW. I hate that they both get attacked a lot on the board because their insight is massive.
Another thing, man somedays, i can't get happy thoughts of the past out of my head, oh man that hurts.
I went out the other night played poker for alittle bit, I enjoyed it, what i've been doing for myself, listening to self help on ipod, reading the resources, posting to you and detailing these cars.
There are somethings I don't like about myself, i know what they are, it really is just a matter of doing it.
I still feel miserable, cried a couple times today, been a couple wks since that happened.
Saw her briefly, she dropped S off and waved and smiled, I waved with a halfsmile, it was the best I could do.She is adjusting so well or has since this summer. NO DARN D TONITE EITHER, just before I got on here, I texted her love you.
BTW i text or call the kids everynite I don't have them and have done that since all this started.
I know wife does not care what she is doing to me, especially.
It really is not fair to son, he's having to be like the messenger or something, wife not talking or texting now. She wanted to be kept in loop on kids, she does not reciprocate. D missed school again yesterday!
He said something like that's MY MOM and I said hey and that's the love of my life, too!!!It was all about a pile of stuff she left on the counter, no note, no D, asked son what was up?
I really am getting frustrated with this no contact,but right now, don't think she's capable of co-parenting and shielding D from me, isn't enabling me to show that I can be a rock, all though my attitude in other areas is lacking.I know I need money, I've got bills, I'm just consumed by this.
I'm not angry, I know this isn't really anyone's fault.
But i hear something and I get hurt and really want to get angry.Guess it's her fault, son and I went out to eat and the daycare lady yrs ago, walked over, sorry to hear about your divorce, asked how she knew, in front of son, well i saw her with her boyfriend at the store. I just replied yes she's divorcing me, it is not her fault, not my fault, just something that's happening.She offered prayers said great we need 'em.What she is doing right now is NOMB and I don't want to know about it either.
I did put my ring back on.
This is my reason, and it's my reason only that I put the ring back on.
I believe in my wife, what she was, what she wanted and she did love me.
Before our vows, we gave eachother our word, I haven't busted mine, she has, but she wouldn't have, I know she at one time had said that's why this is so hard because you didn't break your word, then she pulled her hair cause i add to her stress, that was in august.
All of us, including herself were the most important things to her.
I've read the resources, I understand the rational mind has to place blame as to why she feels the way she does and it has to be me.
I'm not letting her go in the instance that i don't love her or have deep feelings for her.
I am letting her go in that, I have not contacted her.I am definately not going to give an opinion and I'm documenting D stuff and her not dropping D off, but I'm not starting a fight about it, either. It bothers me, but I don't have any control on what those two are doing. It hurts me, but I got no control.You know seperated the person from the behavior and just trying to stay out of the way.
I'm not talking about her and my son knows I'm detailing cars now, but I'm not talking about myself either.
trying to be mysterious, I know kids pass on info, fortunately they have done what I asked and they're not passing on much too me and if they do, it's oops, hope they're doing the same when they're with wife for me.
I'm hurting,I always put her first and still am.
WHY NO EXPECTIONS,just a possibility?
80% do come back at some point I would hope she'd catch her balance.
If we were a rational couple, I don't think we would even be in marriage cnslg let alone this sitch.
Too the rational mind, this is all communication and needs.
Right now she "does not want to be married," EA ok having that no doubt, but it's more the stress of family, debt, work, and she's wanting to find herself or that was the reason last summer.
Well all that doesn't matter, my question is why NO Expectations?
I always accepted and loved her just the way she was and I do forgive her, now I know some posts sound angry, it's really more the hurt, because I know she didn't really do all this rationally, it's to get away from stress (ME).
I do, I do forgive her and I do care what she thinks and feels, I don't like how she feels about me at all. But I know what's going on, that's got to be a plus?
