A cheated cheater 2

[P17]

So, P, now that I've read your sitch, which lie exactly was it that equaled your breaking moment? Just curious because your WAW seems to have done as much as any.

The final straw for me was announcing on her Facebook page that she was 'in the process of a divorce' which was just the final lie in all of this. Only I can divorce her at the moment, so she is actually in the process of nothing but an adulterous A.

When I lost it with that lie (and ranted and moaned) I just thought ENOUGH. Head kicked in and said 'no more of this. Heart, get a grip. We are in control now. You've tried, you did your best but it hasn't worked. Time for Plan B which is move onwards and upwards. We can't take any more of this. We need to protect ourself.'

That was it. I don't know if everybody has that but from what I've read a lot of people just have that final straw that just tips the balance.

Thanks for the input; I am staying detached to the very best of my abilities. As you say, I don't want to care what's going on with my idiot H or his A. And at least some days, I don't. it's a start anyway.

You WILL get there. It's really really tough. On my first thread there is a link to a page about detachment - I have lost the link now but it should be there. It's really helpful. It's a mind switch more than anything else.

I'm not going to pretend to you that I can proudly say I'm all the way there as I've yet to be finally tested but I would say I'm 99% there. Only when I pass that final test will I know for sure.

For each test that you are given, whether you pass or fail, you will get stronger and better at it. Until, finally, that last straw tips the balance.

[undefeated]

So last night when my H called me we sat and chatted about everything and nothing for about 45 minutes. And afterward I at first felt a little dumb. I'm supposed to be "too busy" to linger on the phone for nonessential chitchat. But then I got to thinking more. And the thing is, we both enjoyed the conversation; nothing wrong there. And I'm hoping now it will be even less satisfying to him when I do cut the conversations short. It will make him want that extra time. And maybe when he gets home he'll start seeking out time to engage me.

Also, I have been super busy unpacking and putting things away. I did decide to hang all the pictures, even the ones of my H and me together. Ugh...I do not feel satisfied with how heavy I am in them. But I am changing that as we speak. 5 pound down, and five to go before the 22nd! But I think that the absence of those pictures would have been more obvious than having them up. It would have said, "I am too hurt by what you are doing to bear seeing our happier times." I am stronger than that. He may want to rewrite our marriage history, but that doesn't mean I have forgotten the truth. And if doesn't like seeing them, too bad. It's my house too and I will decorate however I want.

Yesterday it occurred to me that I spend a lot of time alone with three very small children. If I got seriously hurt it might be days before anyone noticed. I don't know very many people here, and none of them are close personal friends. And my family and important friends wouldn't really think anything of me not answering the phone for a day or two. So yesterday I taught S4 how to call 911 and what to say. He was really fantastic. I have heard of very small children saving their parents' lives. I hope he never has to use that knowledge, but I feel better knowing he has it. And he really liked the idea that if I get hurt he can be my super hero.

I am trying to get an online writing gig - you'd be amazed what people are willing to pay for resumes, press releases, copywriters, and proofreaders. That way I could stay home with the boys and still make a good income. Plus, I am finally going to get a party for my other business! I feel like I've been out of the game for way too long! Apathy starts to set in and you begin to consider leaving the biz altogether. I love my work.

I have been feeling ill for the last several days, so if any of you out there who are men/women of faith I never turn down prayers. That probably sounds weird from a non-believer, but hey, you believe in Him and maybe that's what really counts.

I felt a great sense of accomplishment too, last night. I packed up a huge box and two or three trash bags full of clothes and general "stuff" to go to a mission or secondhand store. it feels good not only to help others, but to get rid of some clutter! Bleh, seems like it accumulates so fast!

OK, sorry for the ramble. But I think we need to share our good days as well as our bad ones. We so often come on here to be lifted up, and that's fine. But let's also tell our supporters when we're up, when we're doing well! And maybe I just really need adults to talk to! I love my kids, but the conversation is somewhat limited.

[undefeated]

So, many things to discuss today.

First of all, I am sympathetic toward anyone who anticipates a rough day Sunday. A holiday that revolves around love (and all the god-awful commercials related to it!) is very hard on those people whose love has suffered such a blow. I am fortunate. My H has never cared for any holiday, and especially not this one. He hasn't acknowledged Valentine's Day in about seventeen years; he did sneak them to me when we were in grade school together. But he feels that the holiday is an invented excuse to encourage rabid consumerism. "People should love their significant others every day of the year. Why should I pick one specific day to show it?" is always his argument. And I do sort of see his point. But for someone raised with the tradition it does still sting a bit. I guess I do prefer the random acts of romance on total normal days, though.

He is still calling me every day, which is thoroughly confusing me. Why? He told me he wants a D. After that horrid phone call when he spewed all the typical crap - haven't loved you for a long time, keeping you around for convenience, couldn't ever love you again, want a D - he told me 24 hours later he had just had a bad day and was venting. I was tempted to slap him and tell him there is a difference between venting and transferring your anger and misery to another person. He has always done that and it drives me crazy. When he has a really crappy day he provokes me until I am the one angry and upset, at which point he is perfectly calm and content again. Irritating habit. But does that mean he doesn't want a D? He hasn't brought it up once since then, and I'm afraid to ask. I know I'm just letting him cake-eat by not taking a firmer stand against his A. I deserve a 2x4 for it. And I have to quit whining if I'm not going to take the steps to stop it. But I don't feel bad asking for answers to my confusion. What do you think is going on?

Hehe, it's childish but I am enjoying the fact that his OW is in VA and therefore buried in tons of snow and enduring awful weather. For anyone here who is east coast - I don't think it's funny for you. Ick!

Also, on the GAL front I'm doing so much better! I found an affordable babysitter, I'm going to a MOMS club meeting in the park Tuesday (thanks again, WhatNow!), I've met some people, I am hopefully going to have some parties soon (cross your fingers for me!), I am taking up archery and tennis, and I have planned several outings with the kids. I told H all this last night and very carefully didn't include him in the plans. The only thing I did say is that now that I've found a babysitter I can have some evenings off to pursue other interests. I hope he feels left out. I'm going to have a great life, preferably with him, but with or without him regardless.

I tried out MWD's idea about predicting your day the night before last. And I was really specific. I was going to have a good day and get lots of things done, my kids would behave and I would not yell at them, my H would call and we would have a nice but brief conversation, I would get enough sleep, and I would keep my diet on track. And do you know, pretty much all of it went as planned. I did go over my planned calorie count a bit (midnight munchies, darn it all!), and I did raise my voice several times with the kids. But every time I did, I remembered my good day prediction and immediately changed my approach. I kept telling them I had decided we were going to have a good day, so they had to behave. Silly as it sounds it pretty much worked! And I'm surprised at how often I don't have to pretend to be busy to get off the phone with my H. Like last night I had promised the kids I would play candy land with them. I couldn't linger on the phone with him. Today's prediction, eh, not as on track. Planned to have a good day, but slept/dozed all morning and had issues with the kids this afternoon. My own fault - they only do well if they get out of the house for awhile.

LOL, funny stuff today with the kids, though. I had (note the word had) an entire box of moisturizing bath crystals for them to help with their eczema...yeah. Not anymore! They dumped it all over the bathroom. What a disaster! But I suppose the bathroom needed cleaning anyway. And the bath crystals did smell good.

Hope your day was a good one - let me know if you need a boost on Sunday...I'll be around.

[newmama]

good job implimenting the visualization technique, undefeated!

Some questions for you-did you send the letter to OW's parents?
And what did you say to your H about the affair the last time you talked to him about it?
Have you heard anything else from OW since her last email response to you?

What are you willing to say or do when you talk to your H about ending the A? I think you said you were going to confront him when he comes home...when?

[undefeated]

did you send the letter to OW's parents?

No, I didn't. PDT pointed out in another thread that there wasn't really a good reason. As far as I can tell she still lives at home, and that is where my H went to see her. I could tell them I am concerned for their daughter should he leave his family for her. If he can cheat once, he's capable of doing it again when she doesn't live up to his expectations. But it would be a lie. I really don't give a damn about her, and she deserves whatever karma serves up. So I would be attacking just for the sake of attacking.

And what did you say to your H about the affair the last time you talked to him about it?

The last time it came up is when he mentioned standing in front of the capitol building. And I asked why the hell my S4 knows her name. I said I knew enough and could prove enough, and then the subject was dropped. And now I don't bring it up at all.

Have you heard anything else from OW since her last email response to you?

Nope. I don't really want to. I decided to establish that she knew she is a home-wrecker. I did and now I have no interest in a dialogue with her. We have nothing to say to each other, and I won't give her any standing by engaging her.

What are you willing to say or do when you talk to your H about ending the A?

That is an excellent question. I really want to tell him "I will not share you with another woman. I will not have an open marriage." But what exactly would I mean by it? I've proven I don't really want to stop ML with him. We really connect during that time. I won't kick him out. He's about to be promoted and when his superiors heard about marital troubles they would deny him his Sgt. stripe. I won't damage the future for the satisfaction now. He talks about his military career and I'm always in it. So what good is a line in the sand?

I am going to tell him politely that I'd like to talk. I will sit down with him and explain that since we've been apart so much I am no longer sure how to include him or ask him to be involved in household tasks. I will say that I appreciate when he helps out and I would like to share more of the chores and child care with him. I also want to ask him to go to MC with me. If he refuses I will tell him that I am still going and he is welcome to go too if he changes his mind. I have to stay calm with that.

I think you said you were going to confront him when he comes home...when?

He comes home around the 22nd or 23rd. I leave for Las Vegas on the 28th. And actually I was going to take the coward's way out and write him a letter. It would explain that I do not accept another woman in his life and she needs to go or we cannot work on our M (not that he wants to right now, but it sets a clear demand for the future). I want him to know that I will be happy with or without him even though I prefer with him. I was going to ask all of you if you think it would be wise to include a line about sex. I want to tell him I am uncomfortable having sex with him as long as she is in the picture, and want him to avoid initiating as long as the affair continues. I would state that I am still attracted to him, but that I won't be his roommate with benefits. I am his wife and that is an all-or-nothing position. But as I say, we're close during that time.

Oh, and I turned off the ringer on my phone tonight. It was so hard because I enjoy talking to him every night. But I want to appear unavailable just once in awhile, let him know I don't sit by the phone waiting for him to call. OK, I still do, but he shouldn't know that.

Thanks for coming by, newmama.

[newmama]

Undefeated, I wish I knew what to advise about telling your H because the first time I confronted mine, I didn't know what else to do but give an ultimatum...and did it again the 2nd confontation but he chose her obviously!?

So I think requesting MC is a good start...and maybe have a consequence of ___ in mind if he refuses?? Come on experienced ones out there--and where are the former WAHs when we need one? I always hear about the WAWs darn it!!

[undefeated]

Ok, meltdown in progress. I could use a boost.

SO, my day went from an incredible fun-filled morning with my sons to an absolute meltdown tonight.

I took the kids to a historic site where they got to see a train robbery re-enactment, go on a hike to a tiny graveyard (a mile round trip I thought would wear them out), tons of pictures, music, snacks. We all had a lot of fun.

But the moment we got home everything went downhill. I fed them lunch and then to bed (it's always nap time after lunch). They wouldn't go to sleep, kept running back and forth between rooms. I was tired from a morning of wrangling children. And the situation kept escalating. Within an hour and a half I had two throwing screaming temper tantrums. All I wanted to do was smack them. I didn't but I wanted to.

And, of course, this is when my H decides to call. I shouldn't have answered the damn phone. But for some stupid reason I thought maybe talking to him would give me a boost. Yeah, whatever. His tone and the things he said all implied that he coldn't understand my frustration and why I simply couldn't control the children.

Then he proceeded to tell me to let him talk to S4 who was screaming near the phone. This ticked me off because it makes daddy look like the one with authority and that I am just someone to ignore. And the first thing out of my H's mouth is, "Talk to me S4, I am not mad at you." Well he damn well would have been had he put up with this crap day in and day out! So he calms down the kids, which I did appreciate. And so I said to him, "Thanks, I'm glad you could de-escalate the situation; it just seems silly that you had to." To which he responded, "Yes it is," in a tone that clearly said I shouldn't have to whine to him when the kids misbehave.

At which point I told him I had tried everything I could think of and I was "open to suggestions." For all you men out there, don't take that phrase literally! "Open to suggestions generally means, "shut up until I'm done venting!" It is not actually an invitation to start talking. But he did, and some of the suggestions he was offering were actually ok. But I didn't want to hear them! I wanted to hear "I'm sorry you're having a rough day."

He was so baffled by the fact that I was upset while he was sitting there calm, cool and collected. Well isn't it nice to know exactly how I'm doing this all wrong. I wanted to get nasty and ask him how the hell he knows anything about parenting...it's not like he's ever done it. I didn't. I actually kept my tone fairly neutral and steered the conversation so I could calm down.

Meanwhile, the kids are continuing to think up new ways to make me mad. I am furious with my H and tell him I need to get the brats ready for bed early. I get them all settled and call my mom.

And that is when I lost it. I told her everything. I told her about the OW in VA, about thinking he plans to file for a D, about the fact that I wonder why I stay. He pays the bills and his sons adore him when he is around, which is so infrequently that whenever he leaves they have anxiety problems. I told her I sometimes don't know why I am still here. If I got in my car and drove away after my H gets back it isn't abandonment or endangering a child. As long as I keep in contact with the boys and don't take off for more than 6 months without establishing a residence where they can find me, in AZ it cannot be abandonment. And as long as I leave them with a competent adult (their father usually is) I can't be charged with neglect. His problems finding childcare and balancing them with work are not my problem.

A stupid conversation with my H and some badly behaving kids and my wonderful day was totally shot to hell. I am emotionally drained, and not just from tonight. I have nothing left to give. I have no idea how the permanent single moms do it. Though at least they don't have the false expectation of help from a partner. Even when he's here, he's not really here. I need my vacation.

I am fighting for my marriage, but today I feel like I'm losing. What is the point? I don't want to devastate my kids with tearing our family apart, but I still can't figure out why I should bother. His school is going great, he's a shoo in for this promotion, he's got great goals and plans. But when does he get around to taking care of us? And not just paying the bills for god's sake! When does he actually take care of his family, of me? I don't want to live like this..

[Onthemountaintop]

I'm sorry that you're having a rough, rough time. You have a lot of life left to give to your 3 kids. I have 5, and there are days they test one's patience, but then I'm not at home all day with them...I can see why you want a break!

I hope you can find some peace and direction in your life so you can deal with your hard situation.

Don't forget, the tests of life make us stronger if we want them to.

[undefeated]

Thanks, OTMT. I so rarely have days that out of control anymore. I forgot how nasty it can get. But the fact is, overly emotional or not I was at least admitting to the thoughts lurking in the back of my mind.

What if this doesn't work?
What if I don't really care if my H comes back to me as long as he keeps paying the bills?
What if I am only willing to put up with this and keep trying until I have the means to leave him?

Once upon a younger life (I feel much older than I am) I had a life, dreams, an identity. I am so sick of being (H's name)'s wife, and S's mommy, and (parents' names) daughter, and a bipolar person, etc. I want to be me again. And now I'm finally well enough to claim that for myself.

Things will work out. I've just been stressed and very lonely. And so it builds up and then I can't cope.

[WhatNow]

What if this doesn't work?
What if I don't really care if my H comes back to me as long as he keeps paying the bills?
What if I am only willing to put up with this and keep trying until I have the means to leave him?

My FIL used to say, "IF we had fish in our butts, we wouldn't need rivers." I think the point is, don't "what if" b/c it is pointless. Worry will attract more worry. For the thoughts, find distractions. The kids can be distracting! Try to get them to pick up toys! Ha ha. I try to do the one day at a time thing. I am struggling this week with the thoughts. I get so agitated and irritable. The me thing has me the opposite way. With his leaving, I have another hat: Dad. Another slice of me dedicated to others. Arggh.

How's moms club? Does it seem like a good one?