Question

[awest1217]

So I decided instead to call and ask directly, and he said "I am not going" with the high pitched innotation at the end of the statement. Obviously lying. I said I just wanted you to tell me, and he said "I told you I would". He said ok and I said ok i will see you tomorrow and we hung up.

Just now he text me, and said that the one text i read was his coworker telling him that the time was 9:40 because she is taking her son. I still am wondering why she needs to tell H if he is not going. If just she and her son are going why does she need to clarify the time?

I will never know the answer unless I go out to the movies and search for his car, which I can't do to S. I can't stand all the secrecy and everything in our relationship and now I feel like I just messed up the whole weekend. He will say something or just not come over until around 11 tomorrow. It will all be awkward and he will just be more secretive, which in return drives me away more.

I don't know what is wrong with me. Am I sabatoging everything on purpose or am I doing what is normal? Now I am feeling completely horrible and guilty and that makes me feel worse because why should I feel guilty for needing to know the truth. He makes me feel so bad about myself all the time because he acts like I am always at fault and like why should he come home when I don't respect him or give him his privacy. Why should he trust me when I won't trust him. Why should he even bother when i don't. I can't stand this feeling I get and this is why I don't want to be with him anymore. This is why I want out because he does this to me every time. Just by saying a few key words he kills and destroys everything I try so hard to build.

Deep down I know he is going to the movie and probably with OW, but he also knows I can't check on him so I will never know. There is no transparency and never will be because he wants privacy. I did text him back. I apologized and said this week has been just as hard on me. I said with him coming home in less than a month I need to know that I can really trust him. I said I wouldn't be mad if he went, I am just upset that he doesn't trust me enough to tell me. I said have a good night and sleep well.

I don't know but this always happens. We get really close and I do something to stop everything. Always...I just feel like if I would stop looking at absolutely everything and just let him live his life, we would be fine. I mean everything is always about him. The lingerie is not so we can have sex, but so we can "mess around" and pretty much so he can get off while I get nothing. It is all about him, what he wants, who he wants to see, when he wants to come home, if he wants to come home. What about me? When do I get my turn?