OK so I sent H an email earlier this week I think Pearl would approve of re: the tax stuff & that we need to close the cr card asap, I want to see the return before he files it, & depositing half my check in the joint checking after this pay.
Today I got an email: "Okay. I can also stop by the house and get your W-2 or 1099. I'll send the 2008 return and let you see the 2009 one before I file it.
Thanks for letting me know. Can we get together and talk soon? I would like to do as much of this as we can without the lawyers involved. I want to make it as easy as possible for you so maybe we can get together and see where we are. Thanks."
So, he wants to talk about the S agrmt. Here's what I wrote:
"I think it's best to have the separation agreement handled by the attorneys. I have a meeting this week to go over everything. Thanks."
I thought about using Pearl's line about talking about R while he's in an A, but seems like he wants to talk about the S. Anyone think I should still add it?
I feel dumb asking everyone if my emails to H are OK. But I think earlier in our S I didn't handle things well. C is where I always seem to choke. And our C is so minimal, I'd like it to have an impact. Guess I still care. I care, but I dont' feel any hope. Thanks friends.
I wouldn't say anything about the R unless he brings it up first. It's pointless to say you're not talking about it when he doesn't want to talk about it anyway.
Don't feel bad about running things by us. I did the same when I was first communicating with BF. Better safe than sorry, right? The only downside is that sometimes you get antsy when no one is responding.
And on that note, I'll be gone until Tuesday. Have a great weekend!
(Oh, forgot to mention, I don't really like chocolate either. I like dark chocolate, but even then I like stuff with it like caramel. And in general I just prefer cake, brownies, cookies, pie, etc.)
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Hi Pearl! Just about to log out & thought, I'll just check & see if anyone stopped by! Sure enough, you're right on time again! Thanks again for all your advice. I appreciate your support so much.
You know, I never ask how you're doing. I feel like you really have it together, so don't mean to be uncaring. I need to read your whole thread. Anyway, I hope things are going well for you. You sound like you're doing great!
Have a great weekend! Want to hear all about it when you get back.
When I did eat chocolate, I only liked the dark stuff too, like that Hershey's Special. Not so sweet. Well, great minds think alike! Bakery, pies, danish - THAT's my weakness too!
Thanks again! Talk to you next week. ((((Pearl))))
And it is great to run emails by the BB before sending them. We want to respond, not react, so it can be really helpful to get others' input.
Let the L handle it, indeed. What is there to discuss? You need your L opinion to protect yourself.
And yeah, I'm a baked goods girl myself--bagels, bread, muffins--not into the candy/chocolate scene.
Maybe one day I will have a new partner who will present me with a basket of bagels on V-Day! That and some cream cheese--better than chocolate any day!
You're handling the request for a meeting just great, LFA. And I concur--why bring up R stuff? this is a S meeting, not an R meeting.
Keep it up.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Aver, I'm with you - a basket of bagels says I care more than chocolates!! Yum. I'm a carb-o-holic!
Met w L yesterday. Had a meltdown afterward. Calmed myself down and had a realization: I have a choice in how I act/react. Maybe you all are finally knocking some sense into my head.
I have to think about why I got so upset by the mtg. Even now I'm not sure what exactly got me so upset. I felt badly as the meeting wound down, by the time I got to my car I was crying. I could barely drive I was bawling so hard the whole way home.
At the mtg. we went over the S draft agreement. I learned I may get only $4K in the buyout for the house. I'll be the first to admit I am no financial wizard but this was a total shock. I was totally freaked out. But the market, esp. in my neighborhood is very weak, housing prices are low, & we just re-fied in 2004 so that's why.
Then she looked at my cr card acct. analysis & said "we're really getting to nickels & dimes here" meaning why am I haggling over dividing the debt. So I told her I am not paying 1 cent for expenses for his A, new life. And she was like, OK enough said.
She just seemed in a rush, kind of brusque. But maybe I just projected that, since I felt so stressed after running around all day, being late to the meeting after missing 2 turns. I have to remind myself she's a L, not a C. What do I expect?
Then I forgot to mention that I think H should pay for my L expenses. I dont' think he's paying his L anything considering she's the OW's sister. Plus OW is loaded having received an inheritance several yrs. back.
I felt decimated, financially and emotionally. I've paid my 1/2 the mortgage for 11 yrs. and I won't even get enough from house to pay off the @$@*@# credit card acct.
$4,500 in credit card debt but at least I know it's all mine. And in my above mentioned recent emails I reminded H to freeze the joint cr card - again! It's almost maxed out at this point.
Last night, before I totally calmed down I left my L a vm that I needed to talk about some things I didn't understand. She did call me back today, & I told her I'd put all my questions in an email. Like, when can I change my name back (to my own last name). And, explain to me again how the 401K split works?
This is what I hate - all this business/legal stuff. It makes my stomach turn, having to defend my wanting to keep all the $$ in our joint savings b/c that was all the money my Mom left me when she died 3 yrs. ago. I know I should have moved it to a fund or something but was never sure what I wanted to do w it. So H & I have been taking $ out, but putting $ in ea. mo. She questioned my asking for it. Then when I explained H told me that was mine when we met in Nov.
I just didnt' feel like she was advocating for me, but it could be I was being too sensitive. It left me feeling ill.
I don't want to be the bitter W, wronged by the philandering H who's shrewing about line items on the cr card bill. But I am not paying for his A. I'm sure if I went back to before last Mar. when he left, I'd find charges that show I already have.
It's just all too much sometimes. I know I need to take some time off. I need to GAL much much better, I don't have enough (any) fun to balance all the work + D stress happening.
I had a reality check today, when my co-worker, whose H is gravely ill & in the hospital gave me some perspective. Her 1st H divorced her w 2 small kids, filed for bankruptcy of $20K while holding up their D. He was awful to her. They had a very ugly D. I need to remind myself that when I feel things are so awful, others have gone through much worse.
So, I need to make GAL a priority. I need to work through this S stuff. Even though I hate it. I'm having a kid's tantrum, and I have to get over it. Grrrrrrr.
Your feelings sound completely justified to me. You are vulnerable and alone right now, and we are supposed to count on the legal system and L's to help protect us in sitches like this. That doesn't always happen. You want someone to say, "relax LFA, I will handle this for you. I will make sure your needs are taken care of and you will be ok." Kinda like what we W often like our H's to do for us... so when abandoned by H, we hope for that somewhere else.
But... part of your journey has been to discover how STRONG and AMAZING you are... YOU, LFA, all.by.yourself!
You ROCK! Look at all you have come through and how you have taken care of yourself. You are going to be ok with or without a good L. (but having said that, if this one truly does not advocate for you, fire her a*$ and get a new one!)
And, yes... get the GAL going again! You need to have some fun, girl!
