You are talking here in the way she wants to be talked to. Honest, open, transparent. You are opening up here, looking for input and sharing how you think and feel. Have an affair with your wife.
Intimacy - Intomesee A analogy that helped me is that a man has many rooms in his life - work, family, hobbies, spirituality, goals, fears etc. A woman wants to be invited into all of those rooms before she lets you in the bedroom. She is craving to be let into your rooms.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Explain to her that site is anonymous, and there's no way your friends or relatives could identify you with the amount of personal or city info. given. Explain that is a marriage counseling support group. Also perhaps offer to spend less time on it and ask her what fun thing she would like to do with you (or the kids) instead.
Weird question perhaps, but my W knows I'm communicating with a forum to try to get help for our M. She feels angry about this and demanded that I share what I write.
I think that you should validate her feelings. I know that I feel very threatened by the sources of advice that H is seeking out because I am assuming (pretty sure I'm right) that he is getting a lot of encouragement to "find himself" and reassurances that the "kids are resilient", etc. . She may feel that you are seeking out support to justify divorcing, and she is not totally wrong -- given what you've posted here. She probably knows you well and knows your wavelength.
Originally Posted By: Onthemountaintop
Option three was she would 'find some man who she can talk to and maybe would love her for who she is'.
I would not share what I write.
I find option 2 & 3 very controlling / spiteful or strange
She is scared and she is trying to control what influences she perceives you are under. She has no way of knowing that you are getting a lot of encouragement to take ownership of your own issues here. I suggest that you support option 3, but ask that it be a marriage-supporting counselor who can give your W the safe support that she needs and deserves (do not suggest that she go into C to "fix" herself).
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
My IC asked me a question similar to what June asked - if she changed AND I changed to be exactly what I expected, would I be happy with her?
I answered that I don't know, but I was hoping that if we were BOTH working on improving, dealing with issues from the way we were raised, etc, that it might open my eyes to the beauty inside her.
I went into the IC knowing I recognized my own past was part of the wall I have between my W and I. I also went having recognized that some major issues I'm facing are: 1. I have problems giving praise & gifts 2. I have problems controlling my anger/irritation with behaviours I feel are hypocritical, wrong or illogical 3. That I am starting to realize that I am much less secure and happy with myself than I thought I had been (fragile?) 4. That I am embarrassed to be married to an “unskilled” immigrant who makes me feel I oppress her
I'm going to be trying to deal with some of these in the hopes of seeing more good in my W.
Still, Flowmom hit it on the dot - many of my issues are because my M is intercultural. I thought common religion would surpass cultural issues, but it did not.
My IC put it as there are communication and R issues that can be solved, but then there is personality. She added that you can change any aspect of the R, except personality. That to ask for personality change is impractical without extensive counselling, and even then, it is always possible. So to change the 'who' isn't the way to go.
I looked at my list, some are personality issues.
BTW - loved the idea of having an affair with your spouse...sounds very 'risky'~ I hope I can get my heart to the place I need to be to try this one out
A new day, a new worry and hope. Understanding that I feel uncomfortable around my W helps me recognize that I have issues to work on, beyond typical communication.
I wonder if anyone else on the boards have had problems accepting their spouse for 'who' they are, but found a way. I'd love to hear of anyone's stories...
I wonder if anyone else on the boards have had problems accepting their spouse for 'who' they are
Is there another way?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
OTM, i don't think "who" my H is has ever been hard for me to accept. some of the behaviors that stem from that have been difficult for me. for example, my H is WAY more social and outgoing than i am. i'm fine with that. i'm not fine with being left at a bar on my own while he works the room or him inviting his buddy to come along with us on date night. my H is much more highly motivated to have a successful career than i am. that's fine with me and i'm proud that he's so ambitious. what gets me is him working 8 hours a day in an office, being home for an hour, leaving for his second office (he owns a consulting firm on top of his 9-5 job) and being gone for 3 hours, then coming home at 10pm and being on his iphone until 11:30 or so, checking emails and texting people.
although i wasn't really "getting" that i was asking him to change, i always told my H it wasn't HIM i wanted to change, it was his BEHAVIOR.
are your problems with who your W really "is" or do they lie more in how she "acts?"
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Came home after being a bit distant the last two days (meetings, needing some time alone). W wanted to go walk to get eggs (she can't drive still...), was going to take one daughter, I suggested we all go for a walk together since she's always wanted to do that. She said no.
I got upset over that. I guess I have no right to. If she wanted time alone, I'd get it. I think I'm really upset because I can never understand how she figures things out - we seem so different.
. She may feel that you are seeking out support to justify divorcing, and she is not totally wrong -- given what you've posted here. She probably knows you well and knows your wavelength.