Marriage Downgraded to Good Friends on 2/5/10

[Bworl]

There is a lot of distance between saying "Change or leave the house" and begging, pleading, whining.


You say your advice is not "become a prick." Ok, I'll say that it is certainly up to ones interpretation.


By the same token, I am not, nor have I ever, advocated begging, pleading, whining.


And for the record? I'm not sure why your response to my posts always have to include some accusation about my current or past marriage. If you'd like to make an ad hominem attack on me, let's restrict it to just me, instead of attempting to interpret anything about my past or present, especially since you know nothing of me.


The fact is that there is a prevailing, veritable WAVE of posting going on, particularly in newcomers it seems, where just about every person I've read is being advised to become this "strong, confident, self-sufficient" person - which is a wonderful thing, don't get me wrong - by laying down the law with their spouse.


While I agree that there are certainly times and circumstances that warrant such an aggressive approach, this advice seems to ignore the fact that, regardless of the state of the marriage, there is nothing that a spouse can do to compel another spouse to vacate the premises.


Furthermore, going about this approach in the wrong way, which is WAY more than easy to do in the fragile state that most newcomers find themselves in, can do lasting damage by sending the message that the LBS wants nothing to do with the good for nothing WAS.


And while some may applaud that idea, and I'm sure others will twist this around and point out the great need in standing up for yourself, I generally proceed from the assumption that most people are here because they would like to hope they might be able to SAVE a marriage, not blow one up in a matter of weeks.



Because, whether you'd like to believe it or not, while very few of our actions can do anything positive when the WAS is in the throes of the fantasy, there are plenty of things we can do that will convince them that there is absolutely no turning back. Most I am convinced do NOT want to send that message. Especially not so early.



In the end, I agree with much of your advice, but don't agree with the black and white way it is presented. And I don't think it's a positive approach to badger a new person with said advice, and then speak poorly of someone who doesn't immediately heed said advice.


There's room for both.


I don't profess to have all the answers. But I think there's a need for a measured and yet strong approach. It's not necessary to be all or nothing.