Thank you. Yeah, going through the settlement stuff I guess just brought up a lot of anger, that this isn't necessary. It's so easy to say that, though - obviously W thinks it is. I'm coming to thing that letting loose in therapy was somewhat self-indulgent, but be that as it may.
So, yes, struggling with detachment this week.
Here's what's resonating with me right now:
Originally Posted By: Bworl
The relationship that was developing between the two of you PRIOR to actually verbalizing getting serious about each other again was a good one. I may be in the minority here, but even with your wife involved with another, the two of cooperating and doing things that make life more normal for the kids is a good thing, regardless of the eventual outcome. ...
My suggestion would be to finalize the separation between the two of you. Make it legal, draw up the papers, settle the financials, sell the house, whatever. Continue moving in the direction of establishing your own lives. But don't resist the cooperation and kindness.
And this:
Originally Posted By: robx
Women Do Not Want A Man Who: 1. Wants to be mothered 2. Is needy and dependent 3. Has no back bone and can be walked all over 4. Is not positive 5. Cannot handle tension 6. Is aggressive and abrasive 7. Doesn’t know how to listen 8. Can’t understand women 9. Is not proactive 10. Has no life outside of the women he is with
Originally Posted By: robx
Women Want A Man Who Is: 1. Self Assured 2. Calm 3. Collected 4. Comfortable 5. Direct
A man may come in different packages and versions BUT the foundation is always the same. You need to understand why each of these traits is important to women.
So - if I may use a 2x4 on myself... it's time to grow up. I did talk to W last night, and told her that I'm sorry that I was harsh. Short conversation, that was about it.
We had lunch today actually, and I said to her, I think we do better when we have positive interactions. I talked to her about what I did last weekend, not about how things suck. We hugged when we left, I said Happy Valentine's Day, and she held on to me longer and said "I miss you."
Yes, Puppy is right. The OM business, whatever is going on there, isn't acceptable. My reaction to all this has not been level though. There's been an element of self-righteousness to it. Maybe even of punishing her.
So: 1) I do think that things are good, when we have good interactions. Bill's right - she started coming closer to me when we were doing things together and there was no "meaning" to it. 2) I still need to detach more. I've been doing this, but then again I have times where I and still greatly affected. Yeah, it's been rough and confusing since I've started posting again - W being inconsistent, settlement stuff, etc. The truth is - I've let her back-and-forth affect me much too much. 3) I want to be the man that I have in my mind's eye. The things on Rob's list fit. Don't want to give in to hurt, resentment, anger, etc. anymore. I'm a grown-up. 4) I really need to be clear to myself about what I want. Yeah, it's easy when things get tough to say "I didn't want this anyway," and when things might be just a little hopeful to say, "Oh my God, she's so hurtful."
So here's what I want: I want to feel good about myself, who I am, what I'm doing. The focus for this isn't on her. I'm not a victim of circumstance unless I allow myself to be.
OM is not important to WHO I AM.
It's time to be true to myself, not ruled by circumstances.
So where does that lead me in terms of what I want for the actual M/D? I don't think I'm saving this marriage. At least not now. If that opportunity actually came up, yeah - I don't want this to happen.
W will do what she will. I need to stop thinking about it.
Need to refine my thinking about this a bit, but I'm tired of W making me miserable. Ahhhh - that's a misleading phrase. I'm tired of making myself miserable about W.
