Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Journaling
I just hit me that its Friday, 4-day weekend for us with 2.5 days at a ski resort and I have ZERO anxiety. I didn't even notice that it was absent. That is so cool!!!

Also it just hit that W hasn't started to cold/distant pullback yet. I am shocked by this. Expected it to start early in the week, but it hasn't at all...in fact, kind of the opposite. last night she looks for shirts for me and sends me all kinds of TMs while out shopping, today she offers to bring me lunch (which I accepted) and then she actually did and was actually walking it over to me vice making me come get it from her office. I am still expecting/anticipating the pull back to ensure W doesn't send the "wrong message/signal" (she has used these words before) to me (in her mind), but maybe that won't happen till we actually arrive.

And with all these positive signs, I think they mean zilch as to how things are going to be in the future, whereas in the past, I'd be getting my hopes up that things were turning. I do sense the fog isn't as prevelant, but the wall is still up, so I really don't have any more hope today than I did a week ago.

Maybe because I'm still not convinved the EA is busted is the reason I am getting no satisfaction/hope from these things, and maybe because I am working so hard on getting back to not allowing her actions/moods impact my happiness.

I just have to keep this personal momentum going...