#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[flowmom]

I know what you mean about the phase where they start to talk to you like it's some big concession or favor. Quite irritating. Later I found out from H that some of that was extreme pain behavior (anger, sadness, guilt).

I think you're right in my H's case. It really hurts on the receiving end.

[flowmom]

GAL today:
I went for a 30 minute run for the first time in a loooooong time, even though I have a cold and got very little sleep last night (sick child). Trouble with running: the hampster runs on the little wheel in my head at the same time . I tried not to give into that by saying affirmations out loud to myself during the entire run...that felt pretty stupid, but I guess less stupid than mentally shooting myself in the foot as I was running. Now I feel like I should feel good, or proud of myself, or something, but I don't. I feel pathetic.

H was supposedly filming for his business this morning so we changed the childcare schedule, but it turns out he didn't. Now he wants to the skip bedtime routine on Sunday to film on Sunday night. Now I'm wondering if he has dating plans because surely some of the guys he's working with must have wives/girlfriends? Who knows. Anyway, I should focus on the fact that it's a relief if I don't have to see him on V-day. I don't need reminders of lost love that day. Come to think of it, maybe he wants to avoid it too. Hmmm, that actually does make sense. He knows that I will be celebrating it with the children.

I feel bored of being in this sitch, if that makes any sense. I am trying to figure out how to break out of the passivity of being in this position.

The day has been so grey and gloomy. Even the sight of blooming snowdrops, crocuses, and cherry blossoms barely cheered me up. I'm feeling depressed and I'm hoping that it's just sleep deprivation at work.

[luvless]

((((flow)))))

sorry you are feeling down...I'm feeling you on wanting to break out of the passivity of the situation.

luv

[Onthemountaintop]

I feel pathetic.

Aren't we allowed to feel like cra* at times? Do your best not to let it take over. I've read that it is easier for men to do that, so considering how cra*ppy I feel, you must feel like a more profane word!

But you WILL get past it. Reading your posts, I've felt stronger and more committed. Use your energy for yourself, Flowmom, and you'll just keep improving day by day. If not now, God Willing it will be soon.

I wonder if V-Day (sounds a lot like D-Day, doesn't it?) is hard on him, too. Maybe it isn't a date, maybe just inability to cope. See - pass on your bad feelings on to his life and presto - feeling better already, right!?

Now sleeeeeeeeeeeep.

[flowmom]

Doing The Work ON:
H should give our marriage a chance.

1. Is it true?
I think so.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
No.

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
I feel indignant, desperate, helpless.

4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would feel more peaceful.

Turn it around and find three genuine, specific examples of how the turnaround is true in your life.

H shouldn’t give our marriage a chance.
1. he is in a lot of pain
2. he has asked me to change and I haven’t
3. he already gave our marriage a chance by going to marriage counselling

I should give our marriage a chance.
1. I need to accept our marriage as it is right now.
2. I need to find peace in where we are at.
3. I can tend my deep connectedness to H in my heart.

[flowmom]

Here's something that Holly06 posted from a book called Midlife Crisis by Peter Oconnor:

Each one of us has 2 separate but eqqually important parts of us. The feminine side, and the masculine side. The feminine side is the caretaker of feelings and emotions, caretaking and all that touchy feely stuff that guys are so uncomfortable with. The masculine side is the outwardly successful side. The career man, the provider, the parts of your personality that has to do with material wealth and successful careers. IF the MLC has pent too much time nurtureing and growing the masculine side, he does so at the expense of the feminine side. A greata busines deal must acrifice compassion and feelings right?
Successful or not the masculine, outside persona is highly developed. Any that is where he/she gets his strokes. Not from being feeling. So the difference in the level of development becomes greater. The person who developes the masculine side of himself to the exclusion, or stunted growth of his feeminine side, begins to have an uneasy, uncomfortable feeling that he is not happy any more. The feminine side is ready to rebel. "Her" growth has been neglected, and she is looking for answers, for attention. If the beginning MLC does not resolve these issues by paying attention to the nagging little pain, then "she " begins to grow the pain until "she" has the attention of the other half. No one is happy if she ain't happy. And so the crisis begins.
This Man's Man knows how to deal with problems. "Yes indeed. I will figure them out logicly and with determination. Gosh, I am just not happy. Why am I not happy? I am a great guy. Everyone knows this. I can not be the problem. Where is the problem? I will get a new car. Or build a new house. Or buy some new clothes.Or listen to that ego flattering OP. Boy this feels good to be adored. Well it feels good some of the time.
Hey..... I am still not happy." (The feminine side is gaining some ground!)
Yah know it must be my wife. I just feel differently about her. What are those feelings that I am having? Yeah, those feelings of being old, and boring, and not good enough. They must be feelings about Her, the wife. Yeah, they are about her. And this life. And maybe my job. My boss. If only they would fall into line, and do what I want them to be like and do then I will be happy."
So begins Projections. Projections are feelings and perceptions (not facts that would still be developing the masculine qualities) that can not be my fault, they must be her. This is when you take on the role of Parent.l You know how you felt about your parent about 17 or 18? They tried to get in the way of your having fun, so we became sneaky and deceptive so we could go to those HS partiaes and drink and do bad things. So this is where our MLC mate goes. Back to the past, and we have taken on the projections of the parental figure, with the twist of all the bad things that the MLC is feeling about themselves, projected onto you. You can't help but lose. You have been set up, and you don't even know it.
The second projection is about the OP if there is one. In most cases there is. When there is not, then I think that the whole MLC thing could be skewed a bit. I for one, believe there is for my Sitch, and I almost think that this MLC takes on a whole new set of problems without OP. Anyone else feel like that?
The OP becomes every the recipient of all the envyable feminine characteristics there are. This is not the truch, but a fantasy, all fiction. It takes a very insecure person to attempt a relationship with a married man, don't you think? I do not want to be that weak.
This skanky OP has it easy for awhile, but sooner or later, has to live up to the fantasy that MLC created, and that is why they usually fail.
Projections do not last forever. Especially if new and consistant evidence through behaviors are noticed, recorded in the MLC memory bank for the return of some sanity. The projections are uncovered in layers, like a nicely made up bed. ( EW! I am making up this comparison,I think it works! MLC Beware! Make your bed, and you have to lie in your creative filth!)
Peal back the comforter. Hm. Then later the blanket, what is happening to the bed I thought I made? The sheets are peeled back and then the naked truth will be revealed.

This makes sense to me.

[newmama]

Throughout that whole time, I had this deep gut feeling that H and I were meant to be together and that it was worth the heartache that I was going through. I guess to some it would appear that I was lacking in self-respect during that time. But I didn't see it that way. I knew what I wanted and I gave him to space to do what he had to do so that he could come to me of his own free will. I didn't follow all of the DB rules, but I followed some of them.


That all seems like a million years ago, yet my feelings now seem to parallel how I felt then. I was torn between wanting to share my life with him sooo much, but also having to accept his process and accept that the only possibility of being together required me to be very patient. I had to accept that I had no control over his choices. The grass was definitely greener with the OW, but the drama got old and I think he saw the mother of his children in me.

WHOA....I have been thinking these exact thoughts but hoping the grass gets caught on fire, LOL!

It scares me a bit, thinking of how long I was willing to wait for him before we were even married or had children or any kind of shared life. OTOH, it's not like I spent all my time pining. My life was rich with studies, friends, flirtations, etc.

But interesting how you GALed and distracted yourself and he came back!But no other boyfriends during that time?

No guarantees that he'd pick me again though, given all the baggage that we are now saddled with.

you mean in addition to problems, a shared history, deep attachment and children? The WAHs have got to realize that baggage comes with any relationship...

[avermont]

This is great, Flowmom.

I have been trying to figure out how to do The Work in my sitch, and you pretty much did it for me.

With this to inspire me, I will try to turn around the sentence:
X shouldn't have left me.

I will look at this post more closely tomorrow.

Thanks for the inspiration.

[flowmom]

But interesting how you GALed and distracted yourself and he came back!But no other boyfriends during that time?

I had 4 or 5 (not sure about chronology, LOL) "interludes" in 2 years (those were the days!) ...friendly, sexual "flings" that didn't last too long. They were great guys, but they weren't men who rocked me to my core like H did. H knew about them and it bothered him, even though his R was much more intense on every level. But he was the one who wanted an open R with me and I figured that what's good for the gander is good for the goose. I don't think I could have done it if I hadn't had my own flings... They gave me a boost and were a good reminder of my attractiveness to men. H was really preoccupied with himself during that time (probably due to grief), and I think that my flings shocked him out of taking me for granted or seeing me as a doormat. At the time I was aware that other men found me attractive, and I had fun times with them (even when we weren't having sex). Yep, flings really helped me to GAL...I won't lie.

[flowmom]

Avermont, it's been a really tough day for me. I seriously think that The Work is the best thing that I did today to help with the head stuff. Good for you for giving it a go. Watch the videos on the site for inspiration if you haven't already.