WAW and 4 kids

[MrBond]

Oh yeah and my W told me the same thing about telling her family. I just told her that they are my family too and walked away. Consequences.

[pigskin]

"my alternative is to say "I don't want to talk about it" I guess. Should I do her that favor?"

I wouldn't. I would tell them your side of the story and then suggest to them that they talk to your W directly. Tell them you have nothing to hide and are willing to talk to confirm/refute what they hear from her.

You should also tell them that your W doesn't like you talking to her relatives so you are concerned about the blowback you'll get from her. They should understand that.

[pigskin]

Oh yeah and my W told me the same thing about telling her family. I just told her that they are my family too and walked away. Consequences.

Good point stuck. They are just as much your family now via marriage.

[tryingtilDorR]

I agree. The thing she has been more angry about than anything else is the times when people found out about what she has done (EA, etc). Nothing gets her angrier.

Now, she wants to go to a mediator to find out how much money I will pay her if we split, but doesn't want anyone to know??

What about when she moves out? Is that going to be a secret? Maybe she thinks it is because she has been pushing for the 'nesting' approach so kids can stay in the house? Will that be easy to cover up?

No it wont and I won't go for that approach anyway. I am not interested in anything besides steps towards R or D. I have told her once she decides to leave I will file for D.

It is kind of strange, but ever since we both sat down in front of a Mediator it created a new situation. It created distance I haven't felt before. She scheduled another appointment in a couple of weeks to see real support figures (first meeting was just an information gathering session). If she then pushes for doing a legal S then I will flip it to D. S is just another form of limbo in my situation - it has been over a year since she became a WAW and started an EA so a S is more of the same (but easier for her to be with OM while she has her own place).

[tryingtilDorR]

I have been real busy lately traveling from work and consumed with other activities. I have been gone every night of the week either out of town or busy with other activites. I find that I don't like being home around W. I have felt this way in the past but it is now kind of a permanent thing.

Early on in this journey I couldn't stand to be away from her. I always wanted to know what she was doing and was making the typical mistakes.

Distance relieves a lot of pressure.

In her mind it is over and she has had that opinion for a long time. I thought that she was going through a temporary phase where she was drugged up on her OM chemicals and it would all pass if I played my cards right.

I didn't always play the cards right - I tried to the the 'better option' but I think I just came off looking weak. I gave her boundaries and did my best to enforce them but it pushed her further away as she didn't comply. Most of the friction between us has been related to OM - I wouldn't let it go, but at the same time letting go feels like letting her walk all over me. It is a real tough line to walk for me it seems.

This woman flat-out doesn't respect me. I think she values me as a provider but she has been giving me the finger, so to speak, for the past year since OM entered her life. She can barely have a conversation with me these days. It seems like things went to a new level after the holidays and she started pushing for separation.

My path seems like it is clearly headed towards D, even though W would probably want a legal S indefinitely instead of a D. I see a lot of people on these boards who are separated. I just feel like I already have tried that but living in the same house.

At the end of the day, I know OM has a lot to do with this situation. She says she wants to leave because she 'lost her connection with me'. That is BS - it is true but it is something you can get back if both parties are willing. I read a recent post from Gucci that said that OM is always fueling this situation because if OM wasn't a factor teh WAW wouldn't have anything to lose by trying, especially in our case where we have a nice home and 4 kids and not too many problems.

I have this strange feeling that if W finally does move out, OM will be gone. It would be too much pressure for him. He is a complete loser and my W's family would reject him outright (they have all told me this without prompting). He lives with the mother of his kid and I think he would be 'afraid' of having a committed R with my W. He is probably comfortable where he is and is just playing a game for sex and to see if he can pry my W away from the marriage (already has basically, except we still live together).

[pigskin]

I think it comes down to what you want in your heart.

If you want to save the marriage, then separation should be the next step, in my opinion. Since she is openly disrespecting you with regard to the OM, she needs to go, period. Let her see how life alone treats her. Then you can have your space as well.

Since she seems to be pushing the legal separation angle you have to ask yourself if you are done. I think if I were done, I'd say to heck with the legal separation, get it over with by getting divorced.

Only you can answer that question. But I sense you are not yet done. All we can do is offer support, and I hope it helps.

[tryingtilDorR]

One other thing I wanted to 'journal' here is that my new job is going really well. It is weird, but I lost a job a little over a year ago when the bomb dropped. I think the issues in the M leading up to that point were contributing to a bad situation for me at work and then the job was gone.

I took an 'easy' job and was able to work at home while I tried to recover mentally/emotionally from the bomb. That created new pressures on the M - I was always around and had plenty of spare time to agonize over WAW and the whole R, almost to the point of obsession - definitely unhealthy!

however, I spent the year in individual counseling, getting involved in some new activities, and recharging my professional batteries. The person I am now compared to when I received the bomb are completely different - there have been many positive changes in attitude and my emotional makeup.

Then, a job fell into my lap that seemed to be a good fit for me, at a time when I was starting to feel like I was ready for more. It requires me to travel, but everyone is very grateful that I am there and I am contributing a lot. The sea parted as well when I joined and they gave me an opportunity to really stake a claim as a key contributor in the company going forward. It almost seems like somebody upstairs designed the whole situation for me.

What does this have to do with DB some newcomers may ask? It is a huge form of GAL for me. I am not sitting around with unoccupied mental cycles any more thinking about WAW and M. I am consumed and challenged by my work. I feel a lot of confidence - it is interesting that after you get confidence only then do you realize that you didn't have it prior.

Financially this job represents a fantastic opportunity, possibly the best I have ever received. It all would not have happened if it weren't for my M situation, which contributed to losing my job in 2008, contributed to my job selection that left me in a position to take on something new last month.

The downside is that if W and I actually split up the demands from my work will make it tough to be a single parent.

So, I feel like things are looking up for me in many areas, but my M doesn't look like it will come along for the ride.

[tryingtilDorR]

So, a few weeks back I realized I really needed WAW to not leave for a few months so I could get finances in order and get going on my new job without having to worry about being a single parent. She seemed in a hurry to go so I told her that I wouldn't care what she did with her private life, etc. if she would just stick around a little longer.

This was a mistake. I realized Monday that I wasn't capable of handling this. Here is what happened:

She was acting strange Monday, like she was stressed out or nervous and had something on her mind. She was really grouchy in the morning for whatever reason. I didn't think much of it. I had talked to her about the things I was doing that day - needed to run errand to X or Y place to get something fixed, etc. When she said she was leaving to run errands I asked " where do you need to go?" I didn't ask in an inquisitive way - it was basically just small talk. She said "Errands" and clearly made the point that she didn't want me to know.

Well I confirmed that she either went to see OM or went somewhere to spend time on the phone with him.

I didn't say anything about it, but for whatever reason my reaction was I am done with this. I want her to dump OM and prove it or divorce me, and if she picks neither I am ready to file myself.

I told her this. We have a mediation appt Monday and I think after that appointment (where she will get child support and alimony numbers) decisions need to be made. I told her I won't accept this any longer. She said decision to separate was already made and that is why we are going to the mediator. I corrected her and told her I won't sign a separation agreement so she can go and be single while we stay married, and that the only option is D if she won't break it off after all this time (it has been 15 months - long enough).

She said "what about what you said about an open relationship?" and I replied I changed my mind and that I was doing that to keep her around while kids finished school and I got financial affairs in order, but it is wrong and won't work. She still denies that she is having an affair, blah blah blah.

I have been out of town. Things are brewing. I need to take control - this is no way to live.

[pigskin]

Any chance your wife is getting pressure from the OM? How do you know she went to see the OM or went to talk on the phone with him? You seem a little vague there, which may mean you don't have hard proof of anything. I can understand, as my mind sometimes wanders to worse case scenarios when I am trying to piece together my wife's stated whereabouts, but I'm always wrong so I try not to do it.

The "open relationship" comment from your W tips her hand on what seems like an aversion to getting divorced. Just an example of the crazy stuff that can come out of the mouths of those in affairs. But it seems like she is not completely done with you, or why wouldn't she jump at the chance to get divorced? What is she waiting for?

All I can say is my attitude was much like yours in that I said "dump the OM or divorce me" but my W always waffled at that point, and has not filed or even seen a lawyer. I agree it is no way to live, and I had her leave rather than sit on the fence. But I'm not willing to file as I still hold out hope of saving my marriage and realize the road may be a really long one in my situation. But I have detached, don't respond to any emails or texts that don't require a response, and don't call her for any reason other than family business. The weird thing is that my W reaches out to me, and this is from a woman who has said point blank she has no hope for us as a couple.

The question is do you have hope? If so, maybe go ahead and separate and then detach. Don't concern yourself with what she is doing and go dark on her. Since you say you are willing to file, you always have that option if separation and detaching does no good.

[tryingtilDorR]

Missed your post earlier pigskin.

Yes I have proof she was talking to OM that day. She later basically confirmed it - her way of answering is to not answer in order to avoid lying since she never knows what kind of proof I have since I caught her more than once in the past. Therefore I am very careful about how I pose questions, but in this case I have hard proof. It was unclear whether or not it was just a phone conversation or whether or not it was followed by meeting each other.


Yes I think she is getting some pressure from OM. That is what prompted her to schedule mediation appointments a month ago I am sure.

She doesn't jump at the chance of divorce because of guilt and the impact to the kids. Otherwise, she would be gone. I think she is waiting for me to make the decision.

Do I have hope? I guess I do but only because people say there is always hope.

The thing that has the biggest impact on me now is that it has been 15 months of hell since the bomb. That's a long time. I just don't see how it can turn around after this long especially since she has never given up OM. I feel like I have tried everything except D her or physically throw her out which I can't do legally.

Maybe OM will dump her and run away if she actually leaves, who knows. I feel like giving the guy a peice of my mind, but the last time I did he went whining to my W. I really have nothing to lose now, however.

We have a mediation appointment in the morning so it will be interesting to see how things go. The L is going to give us information on support/alimony, and the next step will be to finalize an agreement and file it.